As an ethical humanist, I believe that whether a loving, intimate, lifelong relationship is ethical depends not on the sex of the couple, but on how they treat each other and their children. Therefore I believe that gay men and lesbian couples should be able to marry. If other religions don’t wish to bless such unions, that is their right, but civil marriage is a civil right, as the bumper sticker says. It’s also a human right. So I was pleased that the California Supreme Court recognized that right today.

However, I have been personally conflicted about marriage equality and my own life decisions. I have been with my (male) partner for over 12 years, and we have chosen not to marry because it just doesn’t feel right when so many of our friends are denied the opportunity for the same joy. At the same time, I recognize that our ethical choice to remain unmarried is easy for us right now, as we don’t have children, health insurance issues, family pressures, or other things that might overcome our ethical scruples in the future.

I was also conflicted for a while about whether I should continue to perform marriages, since I was participating in an unfair system. I decided to continue performing marriages when the American Ethical Union started Just Matrimony, a simple but powerful consciousness-raising project. Basically, Ethical Culture Leaders and officiants take a couple minutes out of every pre-wedding interview with a straight couple to ask them how they would feel if the state denied them the right to marry, and to give them a pamphlet with information about marriage equality, such as the many rights and benefits that marriage confers on a couple (many of which are not conferred by civil unions). I don’t ask whether or not the couple support same-sex marriage–I just give them the information and ask them to think about it. And frankly, given the religiously liberal views of couples that come to the Ethical Society looking for an officiant, they all probably already support marriage equality. But it soothes my conscience enough that I’ve continued performing marriages, though I’m still not entirely comfortable doing so.

I hope that eventually America adopts the same system as many other countries, in which all marriages are civil marriages, and couples may in addition choose a religious ceremony or blessing as they (and the religious organizations) see fit.