Why I will no longer sign marriage licenses
[I posted the following essay on my blog at the Ethical Society web site two days ago for the information of our members and others who come to us for humanistic weddings. I thought it might interest the readers of this blog as well. I would be especially interested in knowing of other local clergy who have made a similar decision, and the response of their communities.]
As other clergy around the country have done over the past several years, I have decided to cease signing marriage licenses until the state of Missouri extends full marriage rights to same-sex couples. The Ethical Movement has long affirmed the worth and dignity of all people and supported full civil and human rights for people of all sexual orientations. We also support the rights of same-sex couples to marry, and we have signed petitions, passed resolutions, and lobbied for this right.
While I don’t begrudge straight couples their legal right to marry, I am no longer comfortable being an agent of a state that denies such a basic, fundamental, ethical right to some of its citizens. And I believe that the struggle for marriage equality is being exacerbated by the entanglement of church and state of our present marriage system. I believe that if marriage were seen as the civil issue it is, and if wedding ceremonies were seen as the religious/cultural expressions they are, it would be clearer and easier for Americans to do the right thing and allow same-sex couples the same partnership rights as straight couples.
In some other countries, all marriages are performed by judges because they are legal contracts, and any additional ceremonies are up to the couples and the religious organizations. I don’t know if and when America might move to such a system, but I can do my small part by moving to such a system now. So I will joyfully perform weddings for all couples, but I will not sign marriage licenses.
For straight couples who wish to be legally married and who would like me to perform their ceremony, this will mean an extra step of going to the courthouse on a particular day of the week, possibly waiting on line, and going before a judge for approximately 3-5 minutes. Some no doubt think that adding this step is an unfair burden to couples already juggling so many wedding preparations.
While it is not my intention to hurt anyone’s feelings, I have to be honest. Going to a judge to get married is not a burden; it is a civil right that is being denied to same-sex Missouri couples. And I believe that we Americans are far too comfortable and far too unwilling to inconvenience ourselves, and that that is one of the reasons we are falling behind other countries in civil rights and human rights. It’s been suggested to me that by possibly inconveniencing couples that come to the Ethical Society for weddings, I am alienating the (probably) liberal folks who support gay marriage, and that instead I should be lobbying the legislature. Of course the legislature should be lobbied, and I will continue to do that, but legislators understand “Deed before Creed” perhaps better than we do. That is, they know the difference between people who say they want something, and people who are willing to change their lives in order to achieve something.
We see so many examples of this. We may say that we don’t like the war, but we go to work and shop and live our lives as normal. We may claim we want fair trade, but we support the stores that sell things the cheapest. We support gay marriage, but we’re comfortable taking advantage of our straight privileges and we’re understanding of our politicians who play the “I’m for civil unions but not gay marriage” game. We want universal health care and family leave and better work/home balance, but union membership is down and we’re furious when strikes inconvenience us.
The Ethical Society is proud to have members who participated in the first lunch-counter sit-ins in America, to protest segregation. I’m sure they were told they were inconveniencing good people, and they probably were. Picket lines and strikes and boycotts and marches and chaining yourself to warheads and riding a bicycle in traffic and a million other things all inconvenience well-meaning people and possibly alienate some of them from your cause. Yet over the years it has been such actions that awakened society’s conscience and showed that indeed We are mad as hell and we’re not going to take it anymore.
Important change is almost always uncomfortable, inconvenient, and difficult. And giving up privilege is one of the hardest changes to make. Living our ethical values is certainly inconvenient and often challenging to others or even misunderstood by them. But I keep seeing that T-shirt from one of the recent post-Prop-8 rallies: “No More Mr. Nice Gay”—and I think, Damn Straight.
Kate Lovelady, 38, of Dogtown is the Leader of the Ethical Society of St. Louis, which was founded in 1886 and is currently the largest Ethical Society in the nation. Kate's life partner, Billy Dechand, is a local musician. Kate's hobbies include vegan baking and riding her 49cc scooter. 
Just goes to show when people do not believe in God they see no priority ethic in protecting a persons right to be what he or she is designed to be. Instead of wanting the state to facilitate individual initiative to pursue happiness, the Godless look to the state to regulate their lives according to what they think is ethical. This is a wrong priority for a free society.
Who are we falling behind in civil rights and human rights?
“The Place Where People Meet to Seek the Highest is Holy Ground” =
Picket lines and strikes and boycotts and marches and chaining yourself to warheads and riding a bicycle in traffic and a million other things all inconvenience well-meaning people and possibly alienate some of them from your cause.
We are mad as hell and we’re not going to take it anymore.
“No More Mr. Nice Gay”—and I think, Damn Straight.??????????
Does the end justify the means in ethics?
There is a difference between what is legal and moral. For example,even without a social contract, human beings have dignity and rights. Contracts do not give us our value (this is like saying, “Let’s pretend we have rights and dignity”) although they may reflect that value. p.copan
Maybe you should encourage gays to seek the right to have all the legal rights of a married people between a man and a woman as in something toi be called a “CIVIL UNION”. To me the arguments of gays and yourself are just plain foolish, divisive and non-sense. You ones should be just as concerned about slapping others religious beliefs in their faces. It is and has always been a very serious thing in societies and you ones are being very self only centered, but then, that is what happens by all evidence when ones do not believe in God. It’s all about SELF and your own WILL and what you see as right and wrong based on your own thoughts.
Just can’t come to accept or believe that the spirit world is as real as the physical world and the spirit of God inspired man to record scripture. But, that’s each of our God given right to accept or reject. And I see no reason personally or scriptually to attempt to force my beliefs down your throats and neither should gays and yourself attempt to force your beliefs down our throats in this society. Even though because of my religious beliefs I would never participate or be part of a homosexual relationship or many of the other things that I once did myself, I see no issues with gays having the same rights under law, in fact I think is the only right thing to do in our society.
Who are we falling behind in civil rights and human rights?
“The Place Where People Meet to Seek the Highest is Holy Ground” =
Picket lines and strikes and boycotts and marches and chaining yourself to warheads and riding a bicycle in traffic and a million other things all inconvenience well-meaning people and possibly alienate some of them from your cause.
We are mad as hell and we’re not going to take it anymore.
“No More Mr. Nice Gay”—and I think, Damn Straight.??????????
Does the end justify the means in ethics?
There is a difference between what is legal and moral. For example,even without a social contract, human beings have dignity and rights. Contracts do not give us our value (this is like saying, “Let’s pretend we have rights and dignity”) although they may reflect that value. p.copan
So we are clear, I accept same sex marriage and polygamy. I choose not to discriminate with gender or tradition.
Are you using “agent of the state” to mean that your signature on the document condones the state’s (peoples) view of marriage? This applies to the participants as well.
Is a ceremony required for a marriage license? I thought it was symbolic, and a trip to the license bureau was what the state required to issue its license.
Your protest may be more powerful if you were to boycott the state’s view of marriage all together by marrying only those who accept your view of marriage. This would be in keeping with the demonstrations of the civil rights movement that boycotted those institutions that practised discrimination.
Continuing to marry those who accept that state’s view of marriage would be acting as “an agent of the state” in deed.
I’m sorry but you never demonstrated why gays have a “civil right” to marry. Do you people just pull such rights out of thin air?
What a wonderful gesture and as a gay man myself I thank you. Quite frankly, as a gay man, I’m fed up. I sit by and watch the economy and everything around me go to shambles. Yet the religious drum keeps beating on gay marriage. In fact, let’s be honest here — it’s not about marriage. It’s about getting the same rights (hospitalization visitation; tax benefits; death benefits) as others.
My entire family (including mom and dad) was very religious up until they finally saw what the so-called “moral leaders” were doing. They were using the pulpit to practice hate and discrimination. Now mind you there are some very forward-thinking open churches out there. Unity comes to mind as one of the best. They welcome all and discriminate against nobody.
My partner and I are just fed up with it to the point we have decided that we will no longer vote for any tax increase period. Schools falling down? Tough — tell the church. Need new roads? Tough — tell the church. Until religion is THROWN OUT of government and our rights are fully extended we will deny others what they want.
You are right, we are tired of being Mr. Nice Gay. We’re fed up and we aren’t taking it anymore. And millions others like us are feeling the same way.
Here in Kalifornia we are working to establish these rights for all citizens. This is not a Gay issue, it is an issue of equal protection under the law. Everyone should support fair and equal treatment for all citizens regardless of race, or orientation. NO on H8!
davel–What are you talking about??? Please translate.
Well said Katy. I think the comments below just go to show that everyone needs to take a U.S. constitution 101 class. This has nothing to do with God or whether you believe in him/her or not. Fact of the matter is, by living in this country, by participating as a citizen, you are consenting to the laws and philosophy of the U.S. constitution by way of social contract. And in case you haven’t heard, the constitution calls for a clear wall of separation between the church and the state; we have freedom of religion in this “great” nation. This also includes freedom from religion. And just as some have, and should have, freedom of marriage, others should have freedom from marriage. No humans living in this country, consenting to the social contract, should have to enter into any type of marriage OR union to receive the same rights as their fellow citizens. The state shouldn’t have anything to do with marriage, unions, or God. It should be left to the religious/cultural ceremonies they are; period. No rights shall be attached to them. And if you have a problem with this, if you have a problem with the freedom of religion/from religion, if you have a problem with the freedom to marry/freedom of marriage, you have a problem with this country, and you should probably just pack up and move to one with a state recognized religion. Don’t let the Flag hit ya on the way out.