Living on the Brink of God Knows What
photo courtesy of Fred's wife Saundra
My friend Fred died last Friday evening. We had gone to high school together and gotten reacquainted through Facebook. I always enjoyed reading Fred’s updates; he was funny, had wide-ranging interests, and was a family man in the best sense of the phrase. He was a cyclist, runner, competitive triathlete, a husband and the father of two children. On the last night of his life he went out for a run and died of cardiac arrest, at 43 years of age.
In the face of death I feel like a child. I cannot understand it. It is huge, and confusing and awful. Over the course of the last week my mind has returned again and again to the suddenness of Fred’s death. I imagine he thought that night would be like any night. His wife thought he would come home from his run, like always. And then, without warning, he was gone.
When I am confronted in this way with the frailty and uncertainty of life, I feel utter helplessness. The issue is not spiritual doubt, really, because I believe that in the end all will be well. Fred trusted God in his life, and his family and friends are choosing to trust God after his death. We know that death doesn’t have the last word. “We grieve,” Paul wrote, “but not as those who have no hope.” Instead, what nags at me is what I should do with the knowledge that tomorrow - today, for that matter - may hold the unexpected disaster, the awful loss, the “nothing will ever be the same” moment for me. I don’t want to live in fear, but is there a way to live, and live better, in the awareness of this uncertainty? This is not a new question, nothing that humans haven’t wrestled with for thousands of years. But it comes again each time we hear painful news, receive the dreaded phone call, or turn on the news and are confronted with a tragedy.
This morning I read a post from Michael Spencer, of Internet Monk. He speaks directly to what’s been weighing on my mind this past week. We are always living on the brink of change. On the brink of….only God knows. Perhaps we are not capable of carrying the awareness of life’s uncertainty every moment. The intensity of it might be too much to bear. But we can recognize that, as Michael writes, “My life is an accumulation of days lived out of what I believe is true every day.” It’s easy for me to weave stories for myself about the person I’ll be five or ten or twenty years from now, but I only have the guarantee of this moment to show who am truly am. Let me share a longer passage from Michael’s post:
Live each day as the day that all of the Gospel is true. Live this day and be glad in it. Live this day as the day of laying down sin and taking up the glad and good forgiveness of Jesus. Live this day determined to be useful and joyful in Jesus. Live this day in a way that, should all things change tomorrow, you will know that the Lord is your God and this is the day to be satisfied in him.
From all that I know of Fred’s life, he accomplished this. He lived usefully, joyfully, and with a generous heart. Was this because he lived with an awareness of the fragility of life? Or did the life he lived simply express the man that he was and what he truly believed? I think there’s value in remembering that our circumstances, our fortunes, our very lives are transitory - memento mori. But perhaps as we live into the people we were created to be, we won’t need the reminders as often. We will live prepared for what’s beyond the brink of the moment.
You write beautifully! Your writing reminds me of really wonderful writers like Henry Nouwen. My heart wants to rest and wonder at all of His marvelous works. I want to enter into the contemplative life. The spirit is willing but the flesh is weak.
I enjoy the writing, also. What occurrs for me as I hear it is, I would have it no other way, a life made precious in its moments.
Thank you.
My thoughts and prayers go out to all of Fred’s family and friends- I was his instructor in Anniston, Alabama in August and enjoyed working with Fred. He was full of life and an awesome leader for the team he led in our functional exercise. I am very saddened by the loss of a new found friend.
The article was very well written, thank you for the notice….
Rest in peace, Fred.
Kimberly
ps3 spiele - It would be hard to give me a higher compliment than than that! Thank you!
You and Michael Spencer have expressed wonderful words of wisdom. Thank you! I, too, knew Fred. His life is gone, but he will live on in our hearts - a true spirit of love.
thank you for your wonderful article. It carries a comforting message to all who have lost.
My sympathy and heartfelt condolences to you, Sharon, and to Fred’s family. Such a tragedy. You’ve made a beautiful memorial to his life, and demonstrated the powerful influence of faith in shaping one’s way of being in the world.
I am sorry for the loss of your friend.
Per your article I have two things; One, you don’t KNOW that death does not have the last word. You PRESUME TO BELIEVE it does not, but you do not nor could not KNOW. I take issue when people express their personal subjective opinion as if it were true. Secondly, your quoted phrase suggests that you take all of the Gospel as true, but there are plenty of examples that all of it is NOT true. Much of it is subject to debate and many don’t even agree on which books qualify as part of the Gospel. In fact it was determined by VOTE. To suggest this is all true is absurd.
I think your opinions need to be expressed as opinions and not as Truth. If it is expressed as opinion or subjective belief, that is one thing. But to express something that is clearly questionable as “Truth” is a slap in the face.
Michael,
Thanks for the reply. A slap in the face to whom? Are you seriously going to tell me that you are offended by this post? If so, I have to think that’s a choice on your part. Have you read some of the things posted about believers on this site? Would you consider any of that slaps in the face - or is that only a one-way street? If I got upset every time someone expressed confident belief in something I don’t believe - good lord, there would be no end to it! My only response to you, is relax. It’s a big world and we all have to live in it together. The way to make that work is NOT to require constant caveats and disclaimers from those you disagree with.
Also - Gospel is not a synonym for the Bible. If you treat it as such you’ll definitely miss the point of what Michael Spencer was saying.
Sharon said: “Michael,
Thanks for the reply. A slap in the face to whom? Are you seriously going to tell me that you are offended by this post? If so, I have to think that’s a choice on your part.”
I think it is a slap in the face to all people who don’t believe as you do. What you have is a personal belief but you present your personal belief as if it were a factual thing. I think you should learn to present your assertions as a belief instead of a fact. “We know death doesn’t have the last word.” No, you don’t. “We believe that death doesn’t have the last word.”
You could argue that any time you are offended it can be classified as a “choice”. There are also different levels of being offended. I certainly am not experiencing an increased heart rate or a sense of outrage, but I do view your assertions as presumptuous and unfair. If you hold the Truth it means I do not, and neither does anyone else who disagrees with you. But you cannot hold the know that you hold the Truth you can only believe that you do. Knowing that you hold a belief of what is true but also are aware that you cannot KNOW, you should remain respectful of other viewpoints. Saying you KNOW the truth is to say you KNOW the others are misguided. That is unfair. Accept your belief but accept it as a belief.
I am considered an atheist, but I cannot say that I am 100% sure that there is no such thing as God. Nor do I ever tell people that I know there isn’t a God. I correctly express my belief as a personal opinion and interpration of facts. I wish more religious folk would offer the same courtesy.
Sharon said: “Have you read some of the things posted about believers on this site? Would you consider any of that slaps in the face - or is that only a one-way street?”
I feel that I have more support for my side of the debate (atheist vs theist) drawing upon evidence for support, yet still present my point of view without claiming to KNOW anything. I’d say it isn’t a one-way street as I hold myself to the same standards I hold you to.
Sharon said: “If I got upset every time someone expressed confident belief in something I don’t believe - good lord, there would be no end to it! My only response to you, is relax. It’s a big world and we all have to live in it together. The way to make that work is NOT to require constant caveats and disclaimers from those you disagree with.”
“Upset” is a gross misrepresentation of my feelings. I feel my original response didn’t express any grief over your comments. I just feel you unfairly represent your point of view.
Sharon said: “Also - Gospel is not a synonym for the Bible. If you treat it as such you’ll definitely miss the point of what Michael Spencer was saying.”
I don’t think my point here is off base at all. His quote states you must treat ALL of the Gospel as truth, but we do know that at least some of it isn’t. Besides, I am extremely suspicious of ANYTHING that tells me I must accept the complete Truth of something that cannot be shown to be true. Last time I heard this line of reasoning I was buying my Jeep from a used car dealer.