Religion and relationships
I don’t get to go to the movies much. I have two small children, a husband who hates theaters, and a short attention span. But last night, after an eleven month hiatus from the cinema, I saw Sex and the City. It was worth the nine dollar ticket, the cost of a babysitter, and two and a half hours of sitting still.
So what does Sex in the City have to do with religion? Well, nothing. But seeing this much anticipated movie brought me back to my days as a single girl. It brought back memories (good, bad and ugly) of the dating scene. And by “dating scene” I’m referring to the process of conducting interviews for a potential spouse.
In this blog about religion, we’ve touched on same sex marriage and plural marriage but not interfaith marriage. I am the product of an interfaith marriage. My mom is Jewish and my dad is Catholic. When they married they agreed to raise their children (my sister and me) Jewish. And that was probably the only thing they agreed on. They divorced when I was four. That being said, I have a great relationship with both of my parents and they have always gotten along pretty well with each other.
I have many Jewish friends who were strictly prohibited from dating, let alone marrying a non Jew. Some to the point that their parents threatened to disown them. I know that people in other religions, cultures or races for that matter feel the same way. I was always very curious about this. My parents never seemed too opinionated about it. I grew up in a heavily Jewish community so I dated mostly Jewish guys but did go out with some who were not. Surprisingly, it was my dad who eventually spoke up on the topic.
He urged me to ultimately marry a Jewish guy. Why? He said there are enough conflicts that arise in a marriage. Money, parenting styles, different personalities, etc. – why add one more to the mix? I thought, and still do, that he makes a good point. And I like that I wasn’t being forbidden to date outside my religion. That would’ve been funny – coming from either of my parents. I was merely offered some well meaning advice. In turn, I did not feel the need to rebel and date non Jews (as many of my friends did, much to their parents dismay), and I also didn’t feel that I was limited to dating within my religion.
As a single girl in Chicago (and a few months in New York too), my friends and I used to joke about relationship “deal breakers”. I think this term possibly came from an episode of Seinfeld or Friends. Go ahead, you can laugh. But my twenties were greatly influenced by the pop culture of the nineties. Although I’m not sure that I should have admitted that. Anyway, everyone has their own set of deal breakers. For example, maybe smoking cigarettes is a deal breaker. Or eating meat. Or having bad teeth. Or, being a different religion.
So for me, a difference of faith wouldn’t necessarily have been a deal breaker. Although I did happen to find my nice Jewish boy. So what do you think? How heavily does religion weigh on your relationships?
Kim Wallis, 33, currently facilitates Rosh Chodesh groups for Jewish teenage girls in the St. Louis area. A graduate of the University of Miami, she worked in asset management for several years and now teaches Pilates part-time. Originally from Chicago, Kim is starting to feel at home in St. Louis with her husband, toddler daughter and infant son. 
Very high.
If you seriously believe what your religion says, then it should rank very highly. We all want to teach our children the truth. If you have differing opinions on what that is, you are doomed.
To me, and I am catholic, this subject is akin to marrying outside your race. If racism is an issue in that instance then maybe we need to make up a new term like “religionism” or something. I was not catholic when I married my wife, who was catholic, but I considered myself non-religious. I had not been raised in any church and in fact my parents had never had me baptized so as to leave the decision to me when I was old enough to understand the ramifications, etc. of chosing a religion. Simple enough in my case. My niece who was raised more or less in the presbyterian church married an jewish fellow and immediately became jewish with no repercussions on her side of the family owing to the accepting nature of my family towards her spouse. That was a situation which was commented on favorably by her husband’s very jewish mother. To put a point to it, it didn’t make much difference in my experience.
Comparing this to interacial marriage would really depend on your view of religion. Is your faith what you really believe, or is it how you were born. If it’s just how you were born, then you probably don’t seriously believe in it, and then it’s more like an interacial or intercultural marraige.
We need to realize what tolerance is and isn’t. It is equality towards people and race. It however cannot be equality of ideas. I believe that nobody is truly tolerant of all ideas equally. There would be no repulicans and democrats, catholics and muslims. Everybody believes in a hierachy of ideas. Science is based on truth - some ideas must be better than others. Religion or faith in any pure sense is also a search for truth - and not all things can be true. Now if you hold a faith that drives everything in your life, every decision you make, and then imagine you’re married to somebody with a different faith that drives what they do but much differently, or oppositely of your faith. It’s not a recipe for a long happy marriage.
Mike - I definitely see your point. But on the other hand, although different faiths teach different ideas, there is an overlap of common basic values. So, for instance, my Jewish mother and my Catholic father regardless of their religous beliefs, shared many of the same values such as education, family, honesty, helping others and leading a productive life. And in spite of the fact they are no longer married, it had absolutely nothing to do with religion.
My faith weighs HEAVILY on my relationships.
I had a ‘born-again’ Christian experience my freshman year in college (1979) and, consequently, the overwhelming majority of my friends are fellow believers. However, although most of my co-workers are not of like mind and worldview, I try to not be ‘exclusionary’
but project warmth and friendship to all.
Christians who are ‘born-again’ are people who made a conscious choice at some point in their lives to believe in the divinity of Jesus Christ - so there is no ethnicity involved. Yet, it seems to me that Jews are Jewish - regardless of what they believe. In other words, you could be an agnostic and still remain a Jew by birth - what people might call a ’secular Jew.’ Almost all ‘born-again’ Christians would never dream of marrying outside their faith, as I would also think the majority of conservative or orthodox Jews. I don’t know about liberal Jews.
Interestingly, my favorite talk-show host is Dennis Prager, a conservative Jew, who, I feel, is one of the most articulate minds in the media today and can be heard via the internet on KRLA, Los Angeles.
I agree with Mike. If one truly commits to their faith and they truly believes in the precepts of their religion, they could not possibly marry one who does not have your same beliefs. You really wouldn’t desire to because you and a non-believing partner would have way too many conflicts about too many things. You would totally get on one another nerves, it would become unbearable.
Kim,
All those things are well and good, but when you start bringing up the tough points, it all falls apart. It’s true that Chritianity and Judaism both share a basic set of morals, but when you start thinking about eternal salvation, eternal damnation and the like, you’re gonna have serious differences. What do you teach the kids?
See, if you really believe the niceties of religion are certainly good, but the points of doctrine will make you “unequally yolked” to a non-believer.
For me it depends on what is valued in marriage. As a christian and follower of Jesus the endeavor of love is paramount, not a set of beliefs esposed by any organized religion. Of course, your prospective spouse must put love first as well - regardless of religiion. If that happens, your differences become positives and become a stimulus for looking at why you believe what you believe. An honest look at what you believe is consistent with the other endeavor Christ valued, namely, truth.
What this means is, if you cannot tolerate your children being raised in you spouse’s religion, you probably should not get married.
For me, marrying someone who smokes would be a deal breaker.