Black Friday will be full of chaos and bad behavior.

I’d be cranky too, if I was nutty enough to leave a nice warm bed at 3 a.m. to stand in line for a $3 food processor. To be sure, you can expect to find the best shopping deals of the year, but there’s a price to pay.

You may see fights, stampedes, verbal abuse, disorderly conduct and grumpy behavior in general.

According to reports, Black Friday will continue to reflect the recession, product prices will be slashed by up to 80 percent on some items and even the most conscientious consumers may “become possessed by bargain-seeking demons.”

Author and former handbag manager at Nordstrom, Freeman Hall, knows the retail hell of which he speaks.

He speaks out for the abused, underpaid sales associates who serve the insatiable spenders on this most dreaded and celebrated shopping day of the year.

Hall’s new book is “Retail Hell - How I Sold My Soul to the Store, Confessions of a Tortured Sales Associate” (Adams Media; $22.95).

He explains that “Acting out while shopping doesn’t get you anywhere. Polite behavior can still get the deal while keeping self-respect, sanity and all body parts intact.”

Here are some of his Black Friday survival tips:

1. Know what you want ahead of time - Not everything is on sale on Black Friday (it just seems that way). The best deals are advertised because the stores buy them in bulk.

Bring the sale ads with you for clarification and extra in-store coupons which also make great leverage for price-matching. If Target and Walmart are offering the same exact printer, but Target is selling it for $10 cheaper and you’re at Walmart. Unless you have a copy of the ad to prove it, Walmart will not price match.

2. Don’t mock the people that get up in the middle of the night - they’ll be there to get the $10 computer and you won’t.

3. While flirting, crying, begging, bribing, and bullying won’t work with sales associates, it may work on other shoppers. If you need that special toy for Katie and you see it in someone else’s cart, make sure your tears are flowing, you have some cash on you, and little Katie only has six months to live.

4. You are going into sale war. Leave uninterested spouses and children at home and bring teenagers who can run fast.

5. Do the Black Friday Google. There are hundreds of websites with Black Friday sale information, like www.black-friday.net where you can peruse the latest sale ads and updates at all the stores. You should also go to your favorite store’s website for info like www.target.com/blackfriday.

6. Have a Black Friday All-nighter Party - Afraid you won’t wake up at 3 a.m. to get in line? Then don’t go to bed! Stay up with friends. Make Black Friday-tinis with vodka, blackberry brandy, black raspberry liqueur and lemon twist! And remember that some outlet stores actually open at midnight on Turkey Day. Shop all night - sleep all day!

7. Have snacks with you or hit the drive-thru before you get in line. It’s going to be a long morning and you don’t want to spend it in the bathroom with coffee stomach.

8. Don’t waste time circling the lot eight times in hopes of getting a coveted location. It will only waste time you could be using to get those great deals.

9. Be calm in the Black Friday herd. Enter just-opened stores cautiously for your safety and for others, not like a stampede of angry elephants. The term “door busters” isn’t meant to be literal. Let’s have a stampede-free Black Friday. A $25 dollar stereo isn’t worth an $800 dollar ER visit.

Stampede tip: If you find yourself in an unruly crowd, try to make your way to its edge, where the flow is lighter. Stand straight with feet firmly positioned. Stay calm and conserve oxygen and energy by not yelling or screaming. Brace your arms out in front of you, creating an air pocket for protection. If you see someone down, try and help them up. Or try blocking other people from walking over them.

10. Make friends with people in line. Compare notes. You might discover some information you didn’t know about. Maybe you can help each other out. You never know when you might need friendly backup.

11. Stay Black Friday focused. Shop the advertised sale items. Things that aren’t on sale or the hot items of the year will still be there tomorrow so hold off on buying the groceries and underwear until later.

12. Leave your Black Friday Diva at the door. Kindness and a smile go along way. Sales associates will be more willing to help you if you treat them nicely. They might give you a coupon you don’t have or inside info on shipments. Sales associates have heard all the sob stories and they have no magical wand to make your sold out item suddenly appear.

13. “No” means “no.” If the sales associate says they’re out of an item, then they’re out! Asking the cashier to check, and then asking for a manager to do the same thing is going to waste everybody’s time, including yours. No, they do not hold certain amounts of items in the back for the cashiers/associates/managers. It’s the biggest shopping day of the year and retailers aren’t going to be holding out on the shoppers by hiding stock in storage.

14. Be patient at the checkout. There are 56 people in line ahead of you and you should take this moment to relax, collect your thoughts and people watch.

15. Lastly, Practice random acts of retail kindness. Do something nice for a Sales Associate on Black Friday. Their Thanksgivings were ruined and they are working long hours. Buy them a drink or candy bar. Pick something up off the floor. Or just be friendly. It will make their day - and yours! You may gain (or regain) some Shopping Karma points.

Now you’re ready to shop. Check out our List of Black Friday sales.