Win a copy of the grossest children’s book EVER

I’m not really interested in the flim-flam book so you can award that to someone else. But just for fun I’ll share a gross moment…

A few months ago I was letting my son (then about 11 months old) bounce contentedly in his jumper while I sat near him on the couch. I happened to glance over and noticed that the shade of carpet under the jumper suddenly seemed about 100 times darker than usual. Upon further investigation I realized (to my horror) that DS was actually jumping IN something on the floor and smearing it around with his feet. Of course you know what it was. But if you really must know the details, yes, indeed he was dancing in the contents of his near-world-record-setting blowout dirty diaper running down his legs. (GROAN).

This is unfortunate because the grossest thing my son has done is eat a piece of hot dog that had more cat hair on it than in it. He’s pretty quick on the 5 second rule. We would probably enjoy the book. I guess I could just go out and purchase it, weirder things have happened.

(Our apologies in advance to Applebee’s…)

Our son Eli was about 18 months old when we visited an area Applebee’s restaurant for a ‘kid-friendly’ meal. Eli was in a toddler growth spurt — eating a full order of chicken nuggets, french fries, baked beans, applesauce, mandarin oranges, etc. He even ate seconds.

After running the poor waitress ragged with our high maintenance food orders, troubling the busy hostess for a balloon (a blue one, no - red one, no - yellow one) and leaving the table a complete mess, we took Eli by the hand and walked him out of the restaurant and to the car. After walking a few feet in the parking lot, I noticed a small, chunky orange, stew-like ‘blob of something stinky’ on the cement. It had dripped from his blown-out diaper. Then I looked back and saw the trail of larger ‘blobs’ leading back from the restaurant. As we hustled out of there, I’m fairly certain we left a nasty trail from the highchair out the door, that some poor minimum wage-earning teen had to clean up. Our deepest apologies for not cleaning up or leaving a bigger tip.

When my son was 3, he loved to make tea parties for me. He’d take out his little hand-me-down tea-set and put a place setting for each of us on his little table. One time he set it in a particularly beautiful, careful manner. He put crackers on the little plates, and set out the tea pot, full of water. He poured me a cup of water, which I drank. I complimented him on the tea.

The teapot was empty so he asked if I’d like more. I said I did. So he went and refilled the teapot…from the toilet.

That’s what I had been drinking.

My son was dared to eat donkey crap and did.

My 4 year old son and I went grocery shopping, while in the meat dept. I noticed the butchers pointing and staring and laughing at my direction. I proceeded to ask them if something was sooo funny. They replied; “Maam your kid just picked his nose and wiped it on the back of that mans jacket.”

We have left a ton of yard waste on the curb every Wednesday this summer, and every Wednesday night I have to go out and, using a garden hose, “reconstitute” the garbage truck’s skanky garbage juice that has dried on the 120-degree pavement in an attempt to dilute the concentration of stench and stain by our mailbox.

Because we’ve had so much yard waste, the truck sits in one place for 5 mn. and drips, drips, drips this brown skanky stew of decomposing leaves, grass and who-knows-what-else from every household in South County while the haulers load our waste.

One night I reconstituted while my kids were playing outside and – to our horror – one of our two-year-old twins slipped our surveillance, got behind me, and was on his hands and knees eagerly lapping the garbage juice water off the street before we could stop him. (OK, I’ll rat him out – it was Will.) Anyway…all I can say is he obviously preferred garbage juice to the clean drinking water we already had out for him. Skank-tastic!

I’m not really interested in the book and this isn’t about my kid so pass it along to someone else, but here’s the grossest (and funniest) thing I ever saw a kid do…

I was in Lowes in Ballwin having a key made. One of these West County Fluffies - you know the moms who are perfectly put together even though it’s 9 a.m. on a Saturday and she’s in a hardware store - was standing impatiently behind me with a very boisterous 4 year old. He was squirming all over the place and begging to go potty. Mom obviously didn’t want to give up her place in line and I even offered to let her go ahead of me to hurry it along. So, Mom puts Junior down next to her, digs out her keys and waits for the cutting to finish. Almost immediately, she realizes Junior isn’t next to her anymore and rushes off in a panic to find him. Next thing you know, she’s dragging him back to the key cutter, and he’s all smiles and announces he doesn’t have to ‘potty’ anymore. Not one minute later, the paging system goes off looking for a clean up in the bathroom fixtures area. It turned out that Junior didn’t realize all of those nice toilets were for display purposes only. Mom and Junior left the store … Mom - mortified and Junior - ‘relieved’

Gross! Children are disgusting! That is one of many reasons I will never have children.

When my son was an infant, his Father was taking a turn changing his diaper.

We were over at PawPaw’s house, and Dad laid out the changing mat on the floor. I cautioned that he should have the new diaper down and ready in case the little fella pees when the breeze hits him.

He scoffs and says he’s quick.

Sure enough, as soon as the old diaper comes off, he relieves himself.

So, Dad scoops him up off the wet mat and asks for someone to clean it.
Two of his Sisters and I all start to get up at the same time and reach for the wipes…

but…

then we see it…

past the hand holding his soft little head…

on down to the hand holding his little bare bum.

We see… a little something sliding out of baby’s bum… right into Daddy’s big old cupped hand.

We all started laughing so hard we thought we’d pee ourselves, too. By the time, Dad is freaking out… CLEAN THE MAT, CLEAN THE MAT, CLEAN THE MAT!!!

Finally one of his sisters gets some paper towels and wet wipes and tidies up the mat, so Dad can lay baby back down… then he sprinted for the bathroom to wash up.

I know it wasn’t on purpose (well, probably not ;p), but, MAN, of all the times I’ve wished I’d had a video camera. That one would have won us America’s Funniest Home Video prizes for sure.