Writing In Truth AND Love (part II)

Last time I wrote about the difficulty in writing both in truth and in love.  This week we are going to discuss the implications of doing such and how to handle various negative responses when the person you are communicating to obviously does not appreciate your candidness.  First and foremost, one must exercise much discernment when deciding whether or not to speak up in the first place.  My recommendation is to make sure the person you share your thoughts or feelings with is not only a close enough friend or family member, but also humble enough to accept a healthy amount of honest feedback.  Assuming you are genuine in your concern and reasoning for bringing up an apparent flaw or manageable gap in the other person’s character, I would start by expressing how important the relationship is to you and that if that other person ever felt compelled to share something of this nature with you that you would want them to feel comfortable to do so.  Another tactic that I use is actually asking permission to share my thoughts, observations and possible associated implications.  In this context it should be expected that the person receiving the constructive criticism would be open and grateful.  Unfortunately, as some of us already know, this is not always the case. 

I have found that the three most common negative responses to authentic and loving criticism are defense mechanisms of self-preservation.  The first and most typical being the quick acknowledgement of the issue followed by a change of subject.  The second usually involves surface laughter and ignoring of the engagement.  And finally, the third method of avoidance is downright denial.  Obviously as well, each one of these can be paired together or mix and matched with one another so it is important to approach them for what they are: defense mechanisms intended to preserve the self.  I would also say that in the majority of cases these are all reactionary in nature and executed on a subconscious level.  Do not take offense to their responses – you should expect them.    

Since none of these responses are very easy to deal with, let’s start by taking a more holistic approach and consider applications that can be applied to all three scenarios.  In these circumstances, one would do well to emphasize that they too have areas for improvement and if possible, give an example or two.  One could also go so far as to share a story of a previous correctional truth spoken in love from a friend or loved one which worked to change the direction of, or outlook on, one’s own life.  It may also be helpful to point out that simply because we are human and not always right, our honest and heartfelt opinion may, or may not, actually be Truth, but simply an authentic attempt to share our perspective.    This followed by the aforementioned explanation of one’s own desire to have openness in a relationship for the betterment of one another is usually received quite warmly when done in private context and humble disposition.

If the person you are confronting does take the route of either denial, defense or deflection try to calmly provide supporting details.  Prepare in advance and have at your disposal two or three examples of the behavior you are addressing and the negative consequences if gone unchecked.  Remember also to counter any excuses of theirs by asking for specific examples of what they are attempting to communicate.  If the receiving party responds by making light of your assessment it may help to make sure that your “going out on a limb” was acknowledged and that the seriousness is understood.  Remember: you’re doing this for their own good and it’s reached the point that something must be done.  A response of this nature can also occur for simple reminders.  Say for instance you are concerned that the person you are approaching will forget to follow through on important task that had been previously agreed upon.  The person being approached should understand that this specific inquiry is not to be taken personally, but simply a matter of significant importance and worth taking extra measures of assurance for completion. 

Whether in business, marriage, child-raising or close relationships with friends I hope you will realize the value of true authentic communication.  Seasoning our words with both light and loving encouragement and heavy and hard to swallow truths is the only way to cultivate a happy, healthy and long lasting relationship.  I guess that’s also why it says in Proverbs chapter 27, verse 17, “as iron sharpens iron, so one man sharpens another.”

[Check back next week as I take a closer look into the heat and sparks that shape and sharpen our relationships]