Help Wanted–

Looking for an extremely qualified person for the position of Superintendent–
Qualifications: PhD. Education, 20+ years experience in academic setting, exemplifies excellent leadership skills, terrific multi-tasking skills, time-management skills, excellent track record of success in achievement of personal and professional goals, above-average people skills. Salary commensurate with experience and educational background.

Requirements to get job:

PhD in Education or related field, 5-20 years of experience in managing a large school district. Preferably will have a history of improving under performing schools.

Requirements to keep job:

Must be a political master, able to appease diametrically opposed groups and sooth angry parents. Must be able to shift blame and withstand withering criticism for things outside your control. Bonus: actually improve the school district’s performance.

Salary:

Not nearly enough to put up with the bickering board, unions, parents, and others who will all be trying to blame you for their failures. Hey, why do you think there have been 6 people to hold this job since 2003?

Diana Bourisaw Clone Wanted

WANTED: ANYONE THAT HAS WORKED IN THIS POSITION IN ONE OF OUR NEIGHBORING COUNTY SCHOOL DISTRICTS.

I hate to say it, but just one replacement will not fix the city schools that have been a mess since I attended in the 70’s. CLEAN HOUSE–START FROM SCRATCH–SEND THE HEADHUNTERS TO A COUNTY DISTRICT AND PICK PEOPLE THAT HAVE BEEN RUNNING SCHOOLS UNLIKE THE CITY OF ST LOUIS!

Or…WANTED: Another firm in another state that we can pay 6 million dollars to, to do absolutely nothing to improve the city schools!!!!!!! OOOOPS, I think they tried that already. Why have they not gotten their money back?????????

Mary Ann (#3) nailed it.

Requirements for New SLPS Superintendent

Supeior Communication Skills
Do whats best for the SLPS Students
Promote Quality Staff Training and Development:
Behavioral Modification
Classroom Management
Student Discipline
Creating Safer Schools
Stand up to Corruption
Patent Law and Intellectual Property Licensing
Legal Malpractice
The Supreme Court of the United States of America (4/06/2008)

Wanted: Faster than a speeding bullet! More powerful than a locomotive! Able to leap tall buildings at a single bound! (”Look! Up in the sky!” “It’s a bird!” “It’s a plane!” “It’s Superintendent!”)… Yes, it’s Superintendent… strange visitor from another planet who came to Earth with powers and abilities far beyond those of mortal men! Superintendent … who can change the course of mighty rivers, bend steel in his bare hands, and who, disguised as a being of many genders and races, fights a never-ending battle for truth, justice, and the American way!

Interview Questions:
(please fill the appropriate response oval with a #2 or softer pencil on the test sheet.)

What high school did you go to?
Do you like BBQ pork steak, toasted ravioli and square pizza?
If you had to choose between baseball and ice hockey, what would you pick?
Are you Catholic? If so, What is your position on Abp. Burke?
Have you ever been up in the Arch?
What is better, Ted Drewes or Fritz’s?
If you are selected as Superintendent, are you amenable to living in the city limits?
Have you ever fought city hall (in any town) and won?
Do you prefer an elected or appointed school board?
Would you rather spend money on buses, or books?
What is the minimum contract length we can give you, and where would you go next?

Thank you for applying as SLPS Superintendent! You have just won free fries for your response, redeemable at any SLPS school industrially sponsored cafeteria.

No ad copy…but why is Veronica O’Brien still employed after her fits of fury and throwing things around the offices. Miss Princess has emotional issues. That’s why Diana is being booted. It’s a real clusterf— over there.

Superintendent Wanted: Gangster; proven record of “making his bones”, must furnish his own automatic weapon; ammo & armored car furnished; body guards negotiable, prefer leg-breakers; cash salary commensurate with crooked board member & tenured wannabe teacher body count . Send cash & resume signed in blood of enemies to State Board of Education c/o Matt Blunt

The St. Louis Missouri board of education is seeking an individual to serve at their discretion as Superintendent of Schools. The successful candidate will be held responsible for every real or perceived failing of the school district and will be required to submit every decision involving personnel, finance, or curriculum to review by the following entities: The office of the Mayor, the office of the Governor, the full range of public opinion makers and pundits, and all affected employees of the district. Such decisions will only be implemented following agreement on all aspects by all involved parties (see above).

The Superintendent will have no personal authority of any kind related to personnel, finance, or curriculum, and will be required to improve educational outcomes for all students, balance the budget, and restore the City of St. Louis to a level of greatness to eclipse the period 1902-1904.

No experience required. Experience as a classroom teacher or administrator is considered detrimental.