Still no cure for cancer, but don’t dare say that billions spent each year on scientific research are a waste of money. Doctors reported last week that they’ve found a drug that provides the benefits of exercise without the sweaty, grueling reality of exercise.

This, at last, is what we’ve been saving ourselves for lo these many years. “It’s a little bit like a free lunch without the calories,” Dr. Ronald M. Evans, who led the research team, told a reporter. Free dinner, too.

In fact, researchers found two drugs that help build muscle endurance. One, however, prosaically named GW1516, requires actual exercise to work its magic.

The other is called Aicar. It has the advantage of actually having been tested on humans for various medical uses since 1994, although its effectiveness for muscle-building has been tested only on mice. It’s also available from an offshore supplier, via the Internet, with the disclaimer that the product is “not intended for human or veterinary use.”

No one knows what kind of side effects Aicar might cause. Consider that anabolic steroids — which also help pack on muscle — can cause hair to fall out, acne to bloom, certain reproductive organs to shrink and tempers to fray.

The research on the two drugs took place at the Salk Institute, adjacent to the Pacific Ocean in lovely La Jolla, Calif. From its windows, a 97-pound weakling can gaze at nearby beaches packed with truly beautiful people and dream the impossible dream.
We’ll have what he’s having.