HORRIGAN COLUMN: The first 83 days
Every new president tries to emulate Franklin D. Roosevelt’s famous “100 Days” strategy of 1933 with a blitz of new initiatives, but Barack Obama is so special he’ll need only 83.
Based on in-depth research — via right-wing websites — here’s Obama’s agenda between Inauguration Day and Easter Sunday.
Jan. 20: Deliver Inaugural Address (in Farsi) on YouTube.
Jan. 21: Redecorate Oval Office as cave.
Jan. 22: Get fitted for turban (Barack).
Jan. 23: Get fitted for burkha (Michelle & girls).
Jan. 24: Name new puppy: Roe-ver Siswade.
Jan. 25: Veggie Monday.
Jan. 26: Bill Ayers Medal of Freedom ceremony.
Jan. 27: Enroll girls in madrassa.
Jan. 28: Poison water supplies (red states).
Jan. 29: Ahmadinejad state dinner.
Jan. 30: Redistribute wealth.
Jan. 31: Nuke Wasilla.
Feb. 1: Hugo Chavez @ Camp David.
Feb. 2: Outlaw fur.
Feb. 3: Repeal Second Amendment.
Feb. 4: Talk-Like-A-Kenyan Day.
Feb. 5: Dick Cheney? Two words: extraordinary rendition.
Feb. 6: Rumsfeld trial begins at The Hague.
Feb. 7: Soak rich.
Feb. 8: Soak middle class.
Feb. 9: Declare basketball national pastime.
Feb. 10: Arugula: It’s what’s for dinner.
Feb. 11: Tim Robbins Film Festival.
Feb. 12: Washington Monument renamed for Harold Washington.
Feb. 13: Replace Gideon Bibles with Korans.
Feb. 14: Jeremiah Wright Crusade at Yankee Stadium.
Feb. 15: Outlaw snow machines.
Feb. 16: Redeploy troops from Iraq to Texas.
Feb. 17: National Flag-burning Day.
Feb. 18: Date w/Barney Frank.
Feb. 19: Mandatory sex education in utero.
Feb. 20: Declare Karl Marx Holiday.
Feb. 21: Have IRS audit Joe the Plumber.
Feb. 22: Name Rashid Khalidi America’s ambassador to the U.N.
Feb. 23: Tell FBI to make sure Sarah Palin returned clothes.
Feb. 24: Hunt down bin Laden for Medal of Freedom.
Feb. 25: Ash Wednesday; Spring Ramadan begins.
Feb. 26: Chicago White Sox: America’s Team.
Feb. 27: Pardon Tony Rezko.
Feb. 28: Pardon Rod Blagojevich.
March 1: Pardon Al Capone.
March 2: Run-Down-America Day.
March 3: Donate fake birth certificate to National Archives.
March 4: Raise taxes.
March 5: Destroy incentives.
March 6: Get Alito to resign, replace w/ Hillary Clinton.
March 7: Get Scalia to resign, replace w/ Bill Clinton.
March 8: Get Roberts to resign, replace w/ Chelsea Clinton.
March 9: Replace Pledge of Allegiance with Fist Bump of Allegiance.
March 10: Annex Mexico. Presto! No more illegal immigrants.
March 11: Redistribute Mexico’s wealth.
March 12: Mother’s Day, out. Baby Mama’s Day, in.
March 13: Deport Toby Keith.
March 14: National Prayer (Rug) Breakfast.
March 15: Declare self as Anti-Christ.
March 16: Give Sarah Palin a much closer view of Russia.
March 17: Mock St. Patrick.
March 18: Put McCain on ice floe.
March 19: Nationalize oil companies.
March 20: Nationalize Google.
March 21: Outlaw NASCAR.
March 22: Work on jump shot.
March 23: Declare caribou an endangered species.
March 24: Redistribute more wealth.
March 25: Legalize gay marriage.
March 26: Legalize transgender marriage.
March 27: Replace “E pluribus unum” with just plain “unum.”
March 28: Ban bowling.
March 29: Create National Leftist Militia.
March 30: Betray Israel.
March 31: Global warming initiative: dress in Arab robes.
April 1: Rename Canada “Yeswecanada.”
April 2: Create joint U.S.-Europe currency: “baracko.”
April 3: Fellow celebrity Paris Hilton to head CIA.
April 4: Jon Voight, Hank Williams Jr. join McCain on ice floe.
April 5: Close Guantanamo.
April 6: Except for Rush Limbaugh.
April 6: Raise taxes again.
April 7: Redistribute remaining wealth.
April 8: National Pal-Around-With-Terrorists Day.
April 9: Socialize medicine.
April 10: Socialize everything else.
April 11: Cancel White House Easter Egg Roll.
April 12: Cancel Easter.
Kevin Horrigan is deputy editor of the editorial page. He writes editorials on local, state and national politics and public policy and also contributes a signed column to the Sunday Commentary Page. "The Old Sport" is a former sports columnist for the Post-Dispatch and for 10 years hosted radio talk shows on KMOX and KTRS in St. Louis. He lives in South St. Louis with his wife, Kate, and a dream of one day starting a professional catfish noodling tour. 
Kevin -
Did they also post the Republican’s plans for the first hundred days?
Day 1: Lick Wounds
Day 2: Carp and malign
Repeat each 49 more times…
This really made me laugh. This was really good!
Kevin-
I know this is supposed to be tounge in cheek but it seems a little over the top. DOn’t you columnists have anything better to do than crack tasteless jokes about the President-elect.
I can assure you, JL, that he has nothing better to do.
Did I miss “Outlaw guns for citizens except for criminals”?
You left off sending first Adm pick and attack dog Rahm Emanuel to the House & Senate to attack and get his own inline……Chief of Staff attack dog bites own party if you will………………………..
The linked article by Fund of the WSJ hits it spot on I’d say:
http://online.wsj.com/article/SB122609968752809797.html
Mr. Emanuel has a reputation as a tough partisan, but he has also exhibited impatience with left-wing members of his party who have overly ambitious ideological agendas. A likely first assignment for Mr. Emanuel will be reminding House Speaker Nancy Pelosi and Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid that, after only two years of Democratic control, Congress already has a lower approval rating than even President Bush’s.
One could certainly argue successfully that the country moved from a “moderately right” standing collectively to a “moderately left” standing on Nov fourth, but the key – critical adjective is “moderate”. With the current absolute control in Washington that the Dem party enjoys hinging on a coalition made possible from Dem wins in state that voted McCain & Bush in the past two Presidential elections, the extreme items of change that Kevin has tongue-and-cheek outline that are also real political issues and not complete satire, are pretty much impossible even if Obama wanted to spend his recently gained capital on them.
Celebrate America, we remain a moderate country even with absolute control in Washington enjoyed by one party……………………………If you can’t celebrate that realization, then you’re not part of the vast majority of moderates, and probably will remain miserable regardless of which party holds control…………
Kevin-this is awful! Obviously the country has spoken… and we have elected him into the white house. We are ready for change. Maybe you should write columns how President Bush screwed up our economy and instead of wasting time making jokes about OUR new president. How in any way are we supposed to unite as a country if you and other columnist keep posting tasteless jokes about our future leader?! Kevin, you really outdid yourself on this column. This column is in poor taste and just plain ignorance. If you had any intelligence at all you would know that Obama is not for legalizing gay marriage. Did you also know that Barack only met his father once (yes who was from Kenya). Muslim religion is prevelant in Kenya. His mother raised him Christian and his wife Michelle is christian and now they raise their daughters as christian. and i love how you think Obama is going to socialize everything….socialism is nothing new to this country….have you ever heard of welfare or what about the socialist polices we use in education? I do however like March 16th…i think we should give Sarah Palin a better view of Russia. Lets just send her there now…why wait?!
Wow you people are defensive. It is a satirical slam on right wingers.Simma donnow.Hello.Is this thing on?
Dear Sir, after reading your artice, I now know why we,The Unite States of America, have not moved ahead with relations of the Human Race. It is because of people like you who keep fueling all the negative thoughts of others. If you do not like President Elect Obama, move to Iraq where you would be highly accepted and take your friends with you.
This is just offensive. You should be ashamed of yourself for continuing these ridiculous lies about President-Elect Obama. It only undermines the lawful transition of our government and places another black spot on our international reputation (which the Bush administration has done enough to hurt already).
Plus, sour grapes just makes you look petty and small.