Still, Packers fans aren’t giving up on him. His replacement in Green Bay, perennial back-up Aaron Rodgers, offended the state of Wisconsin with some remarks to Sports Illustrated.

“I don’t feel I need to sell myself to the fans,” Rodgers told the magazine. “They need to get on board now or keep their mouths shut.”

Yeah, well, tell us when your bandwagon is full, OK? Rodgers is already scrambling away from those comments.

“I do care deeply about the fans and I think anybody who has been to training camp sees a lot of times I’m the last one out signing autographs. I care about the fans; I care about their opinions,” Rodgers told the Milwaukee Journal Sentinel. “Everybody wants the fans to care for them and to pull for them and I am no different.

“I think my record, as far as the time I spend with the fans, and more importantly the stuff I do in the community, kind of speaks for itself.”

Unfortunately, Aaron, your thin record as a NFL quarterback also speaks for itself.

MYSTERIES OF THE UNIVERSE

Questions to ponder while Seattle adjusts to life without a NBA franchise:

• And if Memphis, New Orleans and Oklahoma City can have pro basketball games, why can’t St. Louis?
• Do the Islanders believe Doug Weight can turn back his clock to 2002?
• Now that the Blackhawks have signed goaltender Cristobal Huet, what becomes of Nikolai Khabibulin?

MEET THE NEW BOSS, SAME AS THE OLD BOSS

It doesn’t take much to get Yankees co-chairman Hank Steinbrenner to rip his team.

“We’ve got to start hitting,” he said Wednesday, according to the Associated Press. “It’s getting ridiculous. They’ve got to start waking up. They’ve shown in flashes what they can still do.”

He agreed with the assessment he received from general manager Brian Cashman.

“Even when I was worried about the pitching earlier — starting pitching is the most important thing of all — but Brian would keep telling me, ‘Yes, but I worried about the hitting,’” Steinbrenner said. “That was Brian’s biggest concern even as we were reconstructing the pitching. We all know they’re better than that. I don’t know. Maybe a little less outside distractions and a little more concentrating and they’ll start hitting better. I thought they would go on a consistent tear, and it hasn’t happened yet.”

QUIPS ‘R US

Here is what some of America’s leading sports pundits have been writing:

Mark Kriegel, FoxSports.com, on Wimbledon: “So what if Ana Ivanovic and Maria Sharapova are gone? Again, let’s concentrate on the positives. It’s much more productive to celebrate upset victories by the likes of Tamarine Tanasugarn and Agnieszka Radwanska. Come to think of it, how did I ever forget to TiVo that?”

Greg Cote, Miami Herald: “Roger Federer’s herringbone sweater! Maria Sharapova’s ‘tux-inspired’ ensemble! Serena Williams’ belted trench coat! Man, am I tired of hearing and talking about tennis attire! The exception: Rafael Nadal’s Capri pants, which, of course, can never be mocked enough.”

Dan Daly, Washington Times: “Speaking of altercations, 49-year-old Azumah Nelson and 44-year-old Jeff Fenech met in the boxing ring again last Tuesday -16 years after they last fought for the super featherweight title. The bout, won by Fenech on a 10-round decision, was widely denounced by such groups as the Australian Medical Association, the Ghanaian Boxing Association and the Hair Club For Men.’”

AJ Daulerio, Deadspin: “The debate over Barry Bonds‘ Hall Of Fame induction is still a couple years away, but at least Major League Baseball can finally lay claim to the large-headed slugger’s historic, controversial home run ball for posterity. Designer Marc Ecko paid a whopping $752,467 for the ball at an auction last September, branded it with an asterisk in a show of artsy-fartsy protest, and then held it hostage from the Hall to continue his bratty little stand-off. Finally, he relented, and officially donated the ball to the Hall of Fame. However, Bonds has said he would ‘boycott’ the Hall of Fame if it displayed the marked ball. Maybe Hall officials see this as a best of both worlds-type situation. Besides, can Barry boycott anything if he’s in prison?”

Kriegel again: “Chris Evert and Greg Norman tied the knot in a private ceremony in the Bahamas. The groom now has as many marriages as majors. Still, the bride won more grand slams on grass.”

Cote again: “Golf’s U.S. Women’s Open ends Sunday in Edina, Minn., begging the question of which is worse: Watching a women’s golf tournament or being in Edina, Minn.? That reminds me: ‘Hello, officer? I’d like to report a theft. It seems South Korea has stolen the LPGA Tour.’”

Daly again, on the NBA Draft: “Bobcats boss Michael Jordan used the second of his first-rounders to take Alexis Ajinca, a 20-year-old 7-footer from France. And you’re not going to believe this, but ‘Alexis Ajinca,’ translated into English, is ‘Kwame Brown.’”

MEGAPHONE

“I think what I’ve done is just learn to manipulate the line (between right and wrong). I like to push it to the edge, no doubt about it. That’s how I play. That’s how I live. That’s what I’m all about. I’ve learned to do it without hurting the team.”

New Dallas Stars agitator Sean Avery.

“After months of divorce rumors swirling around Madonna and hubbie Guy Ritchie, Us magazine alleges that the 49-year-old pop star is cavorting with Yankees’ star swinger Alex Rodriguez, 32.

“The magazine reported that not only has A-Rod been making late-night visits to Madge’s Central Park West apartment, but he also was at her place soon after his wife, Cindy, gave birth to their second daughter.

“A source told the magazine that Rodriguez visited the singer possibly as early as the night after his wife gave birth. A source told the magazine that “all the doormen are talking” about the Yankee’s visits.

“There have been several other incidents recently highlighting the pair’s budding friendship.

“The Queen of Pop sat in A-Rod’s seats at Yankee Stadium during a June 22 game, and he went to her ‘thank you’ concert at the Roseland Ballroom on May 30, and then partied with her at The Box afterward.

“The two were spotted dining together in Santa Monica in February, and, earlier that same month, A-Rod attended a Madge-hosted fundraiser for Malawi and Unicef.

“A rep for Madonna told People magazine today Ritchie is in New York to spend time with his family, not to finalize a divorce. The rep also denied reports that Madonna and Ritchie are divorcing, and said Madonna and A-Rod only know each other because they share a manager, Guy Oseary.”

This is all very, very disturbing.

MYSTERIES OF THE UNIVERSE

Questions to ponder while wondering if the Cards need to shut down Todd Wellemeyer for a spell:

• Now that Tampa Bay has a real big league baseball team, can that market get a real big league stadium?
• Can all we agree that NFL commissioner Roger Goodell has a valid point about outrageous rookie contracts?
• Seriously, shouldn’t some of that money go to veterans who have actually done something in the NFL?

NBA HIRES NEW SHERIFF

Hoping to move past the Tim Donaghy scandal, NBA commissioner David Stern has brought Army Maj. Gen. Ronald L. Johnson aboard as senior vice president of referee operations.

Johnson served for 32 years as a combat engineer. From 2003-04, he oversaw $18 billion of reconstruction in Iraq. His new job could be just as challenging.

“I’m thrilled,” ref-baiting Dallas Mavericks owner Mark Cuban said. “I think it’s the perfect hire.”

THE CASE FOR THE DH

Cubs pitcher Ted Lilly threw a gem Monday night, working eight innings in Chicago’s 9-2 victory at San Francisco. But he was hitless in five at bats – striking out all five times.

“I felt like I tried every different swing and every different stance,” he told reporters. “I don’t think that I put much fear in any of those pitchers. I guess once the scouting report gets out, I’m done now.”

QUIPS ‘R US

Here is what some of America’s leading sports pundits have been writing:

Jerry Greene, Orlando Sentinel: “Looks like NFL WR Randy Moss has bought majority interest is a motorsports team that will become Randy Moss Motorsports. Yeah, it’s easy to see Randy blending in as one of the good ol’ boys.”

T.J. Simers, Los Angeles Times: “So the Clippers have come to an agreement with Baron Davis, Elton Brand is next and if this keeps up, someone is going to make the argument (team owner) Donald Sterling is trying to win. Or he must have been out of the country.”

Bill Simmons, ESPN.com: “There’s a ceiling for sports dreams. You can fall in love 20 times, but you’ll never care about anyone in quite the same demented way you cared about your first girlfriend or boyfriend—those three-hour phone calls, all the sappy letters and mortifying mix tapes, the nauseating PDAs. For sports fans, winning a title after a prolonged wait is like falling for that first girlfriend. Win it in an especially memorable way, and that girlfriend is also the best girl you’re ever going to meet.”

Dan Daly, Washington Times: “Still trying to make sense of this episode in Houston, the one in which Astros general manager Ed Wade told struggling pitcher Shawn Chacon to ‘look in the mirror,’ and Chacon proceeded to grab him by the neck and throw him to the ground. I dunno, maybe Wade was blocking Chacon’s view of the mirror.”

Greg Cote, Miami Herald: “American tennis pro Justin Gimelstob, 31, is under fire for sexist comments about women’s players. Dear Justin: Please be as quiet as your career accomplishments.”

Dwight Perry, Seattle Times: “Chris Eaton, the world’s 661st-ranked tennis player, drives a modest Vauxhall Astra — complete with a taped-up side mirror — and he says that won’t change even after he won more than $40,000 at Wimbledon. But, he admitted to BBC Sport, ‘Maybe I will buy some better duct tape.’”

MEGAPHONE

“Nothing’s been wrong with me. I’ve been in great shape all year. I just wasn’t getting the chance to play. I’ve always played every day, and last year when I didn’t that was one of the reasons I wanted to be on another team, to be able to get a chance to play every day.”

Cubs outfielder Jim Edmonds, on leaving San Diego for prosperity in Chicago.

The good news: They snapped an eight-game losing streak and won three consecutive series.

The bad news: The Astros waived Shawn Chacon in the aftermath of his altercation with general manager Ed Wade. Then staff ace Roy Oswalt bowed out of Monday’s 4-1 victory over the Dodgers with a strained hip abductor – just as he was looking more like his old self.

It’s always something with this team – which is why the Astros don’t carry the look of a contender this season.

“I’m not sure you can say anything you know for certain, other than we’re capable of winning a series from the World Series champions or we’re capable of being swept by the last-place team in the division,” slugger Lance Berkman told the Houston Chronicle. “I’m sitting here scratching my head what I would take from it. I’m having a hard time coming up with something I could say, `This is absolutely true.

“I don’t think at this point we’ve established ourselves as being either a good team or a bad team.”

Chronicle columnist Richard Justice summed him the situation: “Only an idiot would even mention the possibility of their getting back in the race. So no one should breathe a word about the Cardinals having a terrible bullpen and eight pitchers on the disabled list, or how Lou Piniella is burning out the back of his bullpen.

“For now, it’s enough that the Astros have not fallen completely apart. Let’s do a quick review of the last few weeks. Lousy hitting. Lousy pitching. General manager attacked. Players questioning everything from the overall direction of the franchise to the competence of the manager and the pitching coach.

“Onward through the fog.”

MYSTERIES OF THE UNIVERSE

Questions to ponder while wondering if Mark Mulder will become an asset as the pennant race heats up:

• Will Cards fans lay off Chris Duncan now that he has resumed driving in runs?
• On the other hand, how can Tony La Russa get Duncan a lot of at bats with the way Ryan Ludwick, Rick Ankiel and Skip Schumaker are playing this season?
• Is anybody horrified by recent Internet speculation of a Madonna-Alex Rodriguez romance?
• Who could have guessed that receiver David Boston would suffer a season-ending injury in the CFL?

OCCUPATIONAL HAZARD

Swimmers love these new state-of-the-art Speedo LZR suits, but actually putting them on is a chore.

“It’s humbling when you’re in a locker room and naked and having two people stuffing you into a tiny little suit,” Natalie Coughlin observed, according to the Chicago Sun-Times.

ALLURE OF THE BIG APPLE

During a USA Basketball media tour, LeBron James fired up Nets fans by discussing his affinity for their potential future home.

“My favorite borough? Brooklyn,” James told reporters. “Brooklyn is definitely a great place here in New York City, and some of my best friends are from Brooklyn, so I stick up for them.”

QUIPS ‘R US

Here is what some of America’s leading sports pundits have been writing:

Scott Ostler, San Francisco Chronicle, on the cutting-edge swimsuit technology: “If you wonder why mankind can’t cure cancer or solve the energy problem or climate crisis, it’s because all the world’s scientists have been diverted into R&D of the swimsuit.”

Dan Daly, Washington Times: “News item: Middle school teacher in Alabama sleeps with eight members of high school baseball team. Comment: That might be the strongest argument yet against the DH.”

Greg Cote, Miami Herald: “I looked up ‘jealous little man’ in the dictionary and saw a picture of IndyCar driver Scott Dixon accusing Danica Patrick of being a ‘menace.’”

Bill Simmons, ESPN.com: “True or false: Serge Ibaka is (A) a famous celebrity trainer, (B) an acclaimed indie director, (C) a famous celebrity photographer, (D) a third-world dictator, or (E) the 24th pick of the 2008 NBA draft?”

David Thomas, Fort Worth Star-Telegram: “I’m not buying into the notion that people won’t watch golf with Tiger out. I know I’ll keep watching the final round of the U.S. Open I recorded.”

MEGAPHONE

“I’m bored. I just eat and run and sleep.”

Cubs star Alfonso Soriano, on his life on the disabled list.

“It’s going to be a different Monday in Chicago,” Guillen told reporters. “I bet White Sox fans can’t wait to get up for work because I know that was tough for them last weekend. It’s nice to see the fans with a smile on their face.”

On the other hand, Cubs manager Lou Piniella was stressed out at the end of another North Side-South Side showdown. He blew up during Sunday’s loss, earning an ejection.

Chicago Tribune columnist Rick Morrissey fills us in: “When Piniella erupted Sunday, it looked like a week’s worth of frustration finally finding an outlet. He probably would say it was about two umpires who couldn’t see straight, and on the surface it was. But there had to be some pent-up feelings about his team’s recent struggles and the injuries that have been taking their toll on his club. Six supremely hyped games against the White Sox probably didn’t help.”

Piniella seems eager to get back to the National League Central race.

“You know, the fans like it,” he said of the rivalry. “And what it all boils down to is what the fans like and don’t like, That’s what you play for. They’re the ones who support this. If the fans like this — and they do, every game is sold out— just keep playing it. But six is enough.”

The Cubs ran their losing streak to four games. They have lost eight of their last 121 games. Their road record slipped to 16-23.

They will try to regroup in San Francisco before coming here for a huge weekend series. Perhaps the return of ace starter Carlos Zambrano (just in time for the Cards series) will boost the Small Bears.

MYSTERIES OF THE UNIVERSE

Questions to ponder while National League teams recover from their beatings in interleague play:

• Will Tony La Russa find a safe place to test Mark Mulder this week?
• And speaking of the depleted Cards bullpen, is Aaron Miles ready to pick up another inning or two?
• Are the Brewers happy – or sad – about Eric Gagne’s return from the disabled list?

COMMITMENT TO INCOMPETENCE

Retired defensive lineman Warren Sapp is glad to be out of Oakland. The once-proud Raiders became a NFL laughingstock with delusional owner Al Davis at the helm.

The St. Petersburg Times asked Sapp to describe the experience.

“As dark as a black hole,” Sapp said. “Stuff went on in that organization that shouldn’t go on in sports. I don’t think there’s one person who knows who or what is making the call. Let’s just say the Oakland experience is unique. The phone rings quite a bit on that sideline. Insubordination is grounds for termination in any company.”

QUIPS ‘R US

Here is what some of America’s leading sports pundits have been writing:

Norman Chad, syndicated columnist: “In track and field these days, how do we know who’s sprinting to the finish line and who’s racing to the chemistry lab? From Ben Johnson to Marion Jones, I just don’t trust ‘em anymore. Heck, if the Incredible Hulk were competing in the shot put, commentators would simply marvel at his remarkable training regimen.”

Dan Daly, Washington Times: “Did you see John Daly hit a tee shot off a beer can during the Buick Open pro-am last week? Boy, that’s a bad combination - drinking and driving. Actually, the can belonged to his playing partner, Kid Rock. Turns out they’re good friends. Kid has given Daly guidance in his singing career and Daly has given Kid help with his golf game . . . for all the good it’s done.”

Mike Lupica, New York Daily News: “Red Sox fans have probably forgotten all that ‘Nancy Drew’ stuff on J.D. from last season by now, I’m guessing.”

Greg Cote, Miami Herald: “A hiker from Colorado stranded in the Bavarian Alps was saved by her sports bra, using the garment as a signal to attract rescuers. It marked a dramatic resurgence for the underachieving sports bra, which had not saved anything since combining with Brandi Chastain to briefly rescue women’s soccer in 1999.”

Jerry Greene, Orlando Sentinel: “Fox Sports is putting Michael Strahan with all those egos on their NFL pregame show. To paraphrase Police Chief Martin Brody in Jaws: ‘You’re gonna need a bigger desk.’”

Bill Simmons, ESPN.com, on Michael Jordan’s Charlotte Bobcats: “Do you think Charlotte’s war room is located on the ninth hole at MJ’s golf course? Like, it’s basically him on his cell phone and two other guys on Treos trying to rush the pick in before they sneak in nine more holes? The Bobcats might be the worst-run franchise in the league. And that’s saying something. If MJ’s Bulls career was like Ted Danson’s run on ‘Cheers,’ then his Wizards comeback was ‘Becker,’ and this current Bobcats debacle is definitely ‘Help Me Help You.’”

MEGAPHONE

“I’m done with this series. I’m kind of glad it’s over. It’s so stressful playing these guys and everything that comes with it. I can’t wait for tomorrow to come in here . . . kind of relax and get back to normal.”

White Sox pitcher Mark Buehrle, on the cross-town rivalry with the Cubs.

What in the name of Bob Knight has happened to the storied Hoosiers program?

Indianapolis Star columnist Bob Kravitz summed it up nicely:

“It’s taken a while, and it’s required the added scrutiny of the NCAA’s watchdogs, but we are now getting a clear idea of how thoroughly and painfully mismanaged IU’s basketball program was.

“It was bad enough that IU scraped the bottom of the barrel and hired Kelvin Sampson, a guy known far and wide as a cheater. But then the Hoosiers brought him to Bloomington and failed to properly monitor his work, at least according to the NCAA. It was like hiring a burglar to watch your house, then failing to install security cameras.”

MYSTERIES OF THE UNIVERSE

Questions to ponder while waiting for the Cardinals bullpen to pull itself together:

• Has the time come to ease Jason Isringhausen into the closing role?
• Has surprise slugger Ryan Ludwick officially hit the wall?
• Who could have possibly guessed that Mark Mulder would be unable to make his scheduled start this weekend?
• Have we seen the last of the Maria Sharapova camera commercials for a while?

SPEAKING OF SHARAPOVA

Before she bowed out of Wimbledon, she endured some additional scrutiny for all the noise she makes playing tennis. Here is how the Telegraph saw it:

“The 21-year-old Russian let out a volley of shrieks and yelps as she played fellow Russian Alla Kudryatseva in the second round of Wimbledon.

“Using a digital sound level meter, The Telegraph recorded maximum decibels of 103.2, louder than a motorcycle or a lawnmower.

“She grunted loudly as she lost the first set, but her noisiest offering came as she served for the first time in the second set. Her opponent remained silent throughout, going on to win the match.”

You can see here post-match news conference right here.

QUIPS ‘R US

Here is what some of America’s leading sports pundits have been writing:

Bill Simmons, ESPN.com: “As much as I love that pick for New York, with the name ‘Danilo Gallinari,’ he sounds like a better bet to win a Formula One race than an NBA title. We’re going to have to jump some major ‘weird-sounding name for a successful NBA player’ hurdles here. I’m not saying it can’t happen, just saying it’s a red flag, that’s all.”

Mark Kriegel, FoxSports.com: “Not only did NBC renew its deal with Notre Dame, it gave the university a raise. That would be like the entertainment division ordering up a few more seasons of ‘Andy Barker P.I.’”

Scott Ostler, San Francisco Chronicle: “Stunt man Jim ‘Mouth’ Purol will attempt to sit in all 92,542 seats in the Rose Bowl over a five-day period. I hope Purol’s mouth isn’t writing checks his cheeks can’t cash. It would be quite an amazing feat for Purol. But at the risk of sounding like an old-timer, for my money, Evel Knievel’s stunts were more exciting.”

Dan Daly, Washington Times: “Strange, isn’t it, how many of these sports-themed movies have women owners? It’s amazing, really, that the warden in ‘The Longest Yard’ wasn’t Jennifer Aniston.”

Mike Bianchi, Orlando Sentinel: “With Tiger out the rest of the season, I’m really worried about how his high-strung caddie, Stevie Williams , is going to handle his down time. I’m hearing from my operatives he may attempt to stay in shape by going to convenience stores and breaking their surveillance cameras.”

Greg Cote, Miami Herald: “Texas Ranger Milton Bradley is among AL batting leaders, making this Milton Bradley’s most successful year since introducing Yahtzee in 1956.”

Kriegel again: “Germany beats Portugal on an egregious non-call, and it’s just nice to know that there’s a place for Tim Donaghy years from now when he gets out of the joint.”

MEGAPHONE

“Maybe now you could say I didn’t play a second, but in five years you guys are going to forget. In 10 years I’ll still be a champion. In 20 years I’ll tell my kids I probably started, and in 30 years I’ll probably tell them I got the MVP.”

Celtics forward Brian Scalabrine, on being an unused bench warmer for the world champions.

Their latest issue: Shawn Chacon’s implosion. General manager Ed Wade wanted to talk to him in his office, behind closed doors. Chacon refused, telling Wade to say what he had to say right there in the team dining room.

So Wade launched into a diatribe.

“He started yelling and cussing,” Chacon said, according to the Houston Chronicle. “I’m sitting there and I said to him very calmly, ‘Ed, you need to stop yelling at me.’ Then I stood up and said, ‘You better stop yelling at me.’ I stood up. He continued and was basically yelling.”

Wade told Chacon he needed to “look in the mirror.” Uh, oh.

“So at that point I lost my cool and I grabbed him by the neck and threw him to the ground,” Chacon said. “I jumped on top of him. Words were exchanged.”

Attacking your team’s general manager is no way to further your career. It will be interesting to see if Chacon ever pitches in the major league again.

“Maybe it shouldn’t have happened,” Chacon said. “But when you do those things and you’re yelling at somebody and you’re cussing you better know what type of person you’re dealing with. If there’s any regret, I just wish they had just let me alone. I wish they had left me alone.”

Noting Wade’s earlier work in Philadelphia, Fark.com had this response to the incident: “Astros pitcher Shawn Chacon does what Phillies fans had wanted to do for years . . . wrestle GM Ed Wade to the ground by the neck.”

MYSTERIES OF THE UNIVERSE

Questions to ponder while the Cardinals welcome Albert Pujols back to their batting order:

• Will the Cards hire a bellhop to protect Mark Mulder’s back from further injury?
• Now that Gary Sheffield is hitting again, are the Tigers ready to make a big second-half push?
• Did the Red Sox build an AARP promotion around Wednesday’s Tim Wakefield-Randy Johnson showdown?

WEIRD INJURY OF WEEK

So why is Tigers utility man Brandon Inge on the disabled list? It seems he strained an oblique muscle.

The Detroit Free-Press tells us that Inge “aggravated the injury moving a pillow for his three-year-old Monday night.” Seriously.

“That’s a first,” Detroit manager Jim Leyland told the Free-Press.

DUCKING OPPORTUNITY

Mitchell Report casualty Jay Gibbons is attempting to revive his career with the Long Island Ducks, an independent minor league team. But don’t expect Barry Bonds to take similar action to draw interest from big league general managers.

“He has nothing to prove there,” agent Jeff Borris told the Associated Press. “He doesn’t need to go to an independent team and hit two home runs a night hoping to get attention to prove that he still has the skills that would warrant him playing at the major league level. His performance in 2007 demonstrates that he’s capable of playing at the major league level for the 2008 season.”

QUIPS ‘R US

Here is what some of America’s leading sports pundits have been writing:

Mike Bianchi, Orlando Sentinel: “Adam “Pacman” Jones is trying to change his image and wants people to quit referring to him as ‘Pacman.’ OK, how about we start calling him Adam ‘Moron’ Jones?”

Scott Ostler, San Francisco Chronicle: “You want drama in your Olympic Games, and so far the Beijing Olympics is delivering. Tension is building nicely. The torch relay has experienced embarrassing incidents, including the Old Hidden Torch Trick in San Francisco. Which has contributed to a Chinese government clamp-down on freedom of the non-Chinese press. (The Chinese press wouldn’t recognize freedom if it fell into its soup.) The government is placing severe restrictions on TV coverage anywhere outside the competition venues. So if you’re a Chinese fellow who wants to protest government oppression by blocking the path of an army tank, you’ll have to lure the tank inside the velodrome.”

Dwight Perry, Seattle Times: “Beijing restaurants and their Olympic visitors will be on the same page when it comes to ordering culinary delights, CNN reported, thanks to a 170-page pamphlet produced by the government that ironed out some formerly awkward translations. So now, CNN reported, it’s ‘steamed pullet,’ not ‘chicken without sexual life.’ And it’s ‘beef and ox tripe in chili sauce,’ not ‘husband and wife’s lung slice.’ And it’s ‘Mapo tofu,’ not ‘bean curd made by a pock-marked woman.’ Can’t wait to see what they find in the fortune cookies.”

Greg Cote, Miami Herald: “Shouldn’t NASCAR dump that ”Car of Tomorrow” name? Sounds like something George Jetson should be driving.”

MEGAPHONE

“There was a report that came out this last week that certain guys are taking Viagra now to get an extra couple of levels of kick of whatever performance-enhancing drugs they’re on, which I think for them it’s great. And for us it’s great, because they should be easy to spot. We’re not going to see a lot of head-first slides anymore.”

Joe Buck, during his visit with David Letterman.

That appears to be over now.

In their latest loss, veteran hurler Bronson Arroyo got three outs Tuesday. That’s the good news. The bad news: He allowed 11 hits, one walk and 10 runs in Toronto. Ouch.

“I could have probably told them what was coming and done better,” Arroyo told the Cincinnati Enquirer. “They hit some hard. They hit some in the hole. They had good at-bats. I threw a lot of pitches.”

The Enquirer notes that Arroyo’s ERA is 10.07 over his last five starts. He’ has allowed 115 hits in 87 innings this season.

The Reds are willing to give him a fresh start elsewhere, but which team will want to take the remaining two years and $25 million on his contract?

HE’S DUNN WITH THE BLUE JAYS

On another front, Reds slugger Adam Dunn is still miffed at Toronto Blue Jays general manager J.P. Ricciardi. Dunn still hasn’t heard a personal apology from Ricciardi for insults J.P. spewed while fielding fan questions on his weekly radio show.

Ricciardi told Toronto reporters he spoke to Dunn over the phone, but apparently that was somebody pulling a prank.

“The caller said, ‘Hi, this is Adam Dunn,’” Ricciardi told the Toronto Globe and Mail. “The person said, ‘I’ll see you in Toronto.’ If it’s not him, then it’s some prank. But I don’t know how the person would get my cellular phone number. I mean, I don’t even give it out to you guys [the press].”

(Sounds like J.P. isn’t too discerning. Maybe prankster identifying himself as “John Mozeliak” should call Ricciardi and swing a deal to bring pitcher A.J. Burnett to St. Louis.)

Dunn, meanwhile, expressed further exasperation to the Enquirer.

“I’m so sick and tired of this first and foremost,” Dunn said. “But the real truth is, no, I have not talked to him. Again, I’m not going to go out of my way to get an apology from a guy I don’t know. No, it didn’t happen and I hope this is the last time I have to talk about it.”

MYSTERIES OF THE UNIVERSE

Questions to ponder while Albert Pujols gets that wounded calf muscle good to go:

• Who knew Adam Kennedy could play first base?
• And who knew that Tony La Russa would get so much offense out of committee of middle infielders?
• On the down side, who could have possibly guessed that Mark Mulder would suffer another physical setback?

QUIPS ‘R US

Here is what some of America’s leading sports pundits have been writing:

Steve Rosenbloom, ChicagoSports.com: “Celebrity Rehab has a new list of losers, including Tawny Kitaen, the music video temptress who was charged with spousal abuse of her major league husband. No lie. She was accused of kicking and twisting the ear of Cleveland Indians pitcher Chuck Finley. One way that Kitaen countered Finley’s charges was to fire off a couple of her own, most notably that Finley injected himself with steroids and ‘ragged; that he knew how to ‘get around drug testing within the baseball league.’ Celebrity Rehab nothing — I want Tawny Kitaen subpoenaed by Rep. Henry Waxman (D-Roger Clemens‘ Cellblock).”

Jerry Greene, Orlando Sentinel: “Want a clue as to why we’ve lost interest in pro tennis? Here are the home countries of the top five male seeds at Wimbledon: Switzerland, Spain, Serbia, Russia and Spain. Now the top five female seeds: Serbia, Serbia, Russia, Russia, Russia. Case closed.”

Greg Cote, Miami Herald: “Cubs and White Sox have been going at it in a possible World Series preview, and Chicagoans couldn’t be happier. Well, maybe if the Bears got rid of Rex Grossman.”

Dan Daly, Washington Times: “Elsewhere in the NFL, the Buffalo district attorney has reached a deal with the Bills’ Marshawn Lynch concerning the accident that involved Lynch’s sport utility vehicle. The running back has agreed to plead guilty to an unspecified charge, and the D.A. has agreed to classify the crime as a bump-and-run.”

Scott Ostler, San Francisco Chronicle: “Does the home run derby invitation committee have the equivalent of golf’s sponsor exemption? If so, dead seriously, let’s get Barry Bonds out of mothballs.”

MEGAPHONE

“We did steroids to get away the aches and the speed of healing. My use of steroids from a doctor was to speed up injury, and thought nothing of it . . . It was to speed up the healing process, that was it. It wasn’t to get bigger and stronger and faster.”

Former quarterback Terry Bradshaw, ratting out the old-time Steelers during a radio chat with Dan Patrick.

Our take? Imus was ripping the practice of racial profiling, not the oft-arrested Jones, with his comments. That was the context. But listeners could have missed the point, since Imus didn’t elaborate at the time.

“What people should be outraged about is that they arrest blacks for no reason,” Imus said Tuesday. “I mean, there’s no reason to arrest this kid six times. Maybe he did something once, but everyone does something once.”

Naturally, those who missed the point tied the remarks to Imus’ unfortunate comments about the Rutgers women’s basketball team – comments that cost him his earlier radio and TV deals.

Jones heard about the controversy but also missed the point.

“I’m truly upset about the comments,” Jones said. “Obviously Mr. Imus has problems with African-Americans. I’m upset, and I hope the station he works for handles it accordingly. I will pray for him.”

MYSTERIES OF THE UNIVERSE

Questions to ponder while waiting for T.J. Oshie and Patrik Berglund to generate some much-needed offense for the Blues:

• Will Nikolai Lemtyugov join the fun in St. Louis this season? Or will he go the way of Konstantin Zakharov and Timofei Shishkanov?
• With Clayton Mortensen throwing well in the Memphis rotation – and with Colby Rasmus pounding the ball – might the Cards soon have their 10th and 11th players make their big league debut this season?
• Did Yahoo! Sports really have to bring us details of Steven Jackson’s, um, cleansing? Did we really need to hear so much about his colon?

THE NO-LOVE SHAQ

Shaquille O’Neal asked reporters not to make a big deal over his impromptu rap performance Sunday, which including a Kobe Bryant-bashing refrain we can’t repeat here.

Of course, there was some build-up to his profane finishing line. Shaq started with “You know how I be, last week, Kobe couldn’t do it without me.” That needled Kobe for the egregious Lakers collapse in Boston.

O’Neal also referenced Bryant’s earlier assertion that Shaq covered up off-court issues with hush money. “I’m a horse, Kobe ratted me out, that’s why I’m getting divorced . . . He said Shaq gave a (woman) a mil. I don’t do that ’cause my name’s Shaquille. I love ‘em, I don’t leave ‘em. I got a vasectomy, now I can’t breed ‘em.”

We can only hope Shaq won’t be back in the recording studio any time soon.

THAT’S JUST MEAN

NBC funnyman Jay Leno had this take on golf: “Mathematicians at Stanford University have calculated the smallest number known to man. It’s the Nielsen ratings golf would get without Tiger Woods.”

QUIPS ‘R US

Here is what some of America’s leading sports pundits have been writing:

Steve Rosenbloom, ChicagoSports.com: “James Caan says the NFL killed his TV drama ‘Las Vegas’ by ordering business partner NBC to move the show from Mondays to Fridays, which is a death sentence for TV shows. Roger Goodell’s sanctimonious hucksters don’t like gambling references, even though gambling is exactly what made the NFL so popular. Either that, or Bill Belichick’s charisma.”

Norman Chad, syndicated columnist, on potential World Series match-up: “The Marlins and Rays are children of the 1990s. Before either one of them was in diapers, Roger Clemens had already won three Cy Young Awards, struck out 20 batters in a single game and taken Mindy McCready to Dairy Queen.”

Dwight Perry, Seattle Times: “Xavier point guard Drew Lavender was arrested for disorderly conduct after he refused repeated police orders to move out of a street intersection, the Cincinnati Enquirer reported, and cops say they also discovered marijuana on him. As for the criminal charges, let’s just say the possession arrow is pointing his way.”

Dan Daly, Washington Times: “The Bears, meanwhile, signed defensive tackle Tommie Harris to a four-year, $40 million extension. According to reports, Harris gets $10 million up front and $18 million guaranteed, including a $2 million bonus for Not Being Tank Johnson.”

Mike Bianchi, Orlando Sentinel: “One of the most baffling comments I’ve heard in a while came from Magic GM Otis Smith, who recently tried to defend the drafting of Fran Vazquez and J.J. Redick. Said Otis: ‘I don’t look at those picks as failures.’ In related news, Otis also is a big fan of the Edsel, New Coke and Eddie Murphy in The Adventures of Pluto Nash. Let’s just hope Otis comes back to reality before the draft this week and Magic fans don’t have to hear this all-too-familiar refrain: ‘And with the 22nd pick of the 2008 NBA draft, the Orlando Magic take — (pause) — the wrong guy!’”

Greg Cote, Miami Herald: “Boston pitcher Curt Schilling will undergo season- and likely career-ending shoulder surgery. When they honor him at Fenway Park, will it be called Bloody Sock Night?”

MEGAPHONE

“He’s tough. It doesn’t matter who he’s pitching against. There are a few pitchers in the big leagues today that I enjoy watching and pitching against . . . Haren’s obviously one of them.”

Red Sox hurler Josh Beckett, talking up former Cardinal Danny Haren.

So what if Alfonso Soriano and Carlos Zambrano are out? The Small Bears remain fierce. They moved 20 games over .500 by drubbing the White Sox.

If the White Sox had an inferiority complex before this series – and it appears they did, given all their sniping at the Cubs – then they must really be reeling today.

Here was how ever-reasonable Jay Mariotti of the Chicago Sun-Times saw it:

“The White Sox tried their damndest to provoke ill will all weekend, acting like mannerless rubes bent on insulting and tweaking Cubdom every way possible. But the silly onslaught of South Side verbal exhaust - A.J. Pierzynski referred to Cubs fans as ‘idiots,’ John Danks claimed Wrigley reeks of urine, Ozzie Guillen said the shrine is infested with rats and dissed Jim Edmonds - didn’t result in any on-field mayhem in the finale of the Crossdown Showdown, Act One. In fact, all it did was further shame the Sox, who managed more cheap shots than runs in a three-game no-show that exposed their vulnerabilities as serious contenders.”

Here are some of the insults Jay referred to:

Guillen: “The rats look bigger than a pig out there. You want to take a look? I think the rats out there are lifting weights.”

Pierzynski, on Cubs fans: “They’re idiots. It’s like what Lee Elia said: ‘Eighty-five percent of the people work, the other [bleeps] come out here.’”

Danks, on the Wrigley ambiance: “Try not to smell all the urine over there . . . That place is a [bleep] hole.”

Nice chatter, White Sox, but next time you might want to back it up by doing something on the field.

The Cubs not only countered by winning, they also threw back some quips of their own about the White Sox. “I imagine there’s rats in their bullpens out there, too,” reliever Scott Eyre told the Sun-Times. “But I just don’t see them. Maybe their fans eat the rats, who knows?”

By the way, Tipsheet does not believe this video further the rivalry at all:

MYSTERIES OF THE UNIVERSE

Questions to ponder while wondering when Joel Pineiro will actually get a “W” for one of these terrific outings:

• After getting in and out of trouble, again, did Jason Isringhausen regain his old form Sunday?
• When was the last time the Cards had nine rookies make their major league debut in one season – before the all-star break?
• Will Brendan Ryan take the shortstop job in Cesar Izturis’ absence and run with it?
• Where would Jason Varitek be today had he not ducked under Chris Duncan’s charge home?
• Will Matt Clement ever locate his missing fastball? And if he can’t, will he ever return to the big leagues without it?

QUIPS ‘R US

Here is what some of America’s leading sports pundits have been writing:

Greg Cote, Miami Herald: “I’m not saying I absolutely knew Dale Earnhardt Jr. was going to end his winless streak last week in Michigan, but I had a pretty good idea when I saw Dick Bavetta tinkering with his carburetor before the race.”

Dan Daly, Washington Times: “A total of 22 people were arrested in Boston on Tuesday night as the city celebrated the Celtics’ 17th NBA title. Among the 22, I would hope, was Any Laker Who Had Anything To Do With Boston’s 131-92 Blowout Win In Game 6.”

Mike Bianchi, Orlando Sentinel: “How humdrum will the next two Tigerless majors be? Let’s put it this way: the British Open might as well be the Yiddish Open, and the PGA Championship should just change its name to the MIA Championship.”

Mike Lupica, New York Daily News: “Phil Jackson did so much scribbling during timeouts in Game 6, I thought he was making diary entries. Or starting a to-do list about finding players who don’t think playing defense is some sort of parttime job.”

T.J. Simers, Los Angeles Times, on the Dodgers struggles: “ ‘In this division we can win five games in a row and rearrange the furniture,’ (Joe) Torre said, and I don’t know why it is, but the Titanic comes to mind. Every time Torre writes in the name of Angel Berroa at shortstop, I wonder how often he thinks about Derek Jeter. You want to be known as a really great manager, win with Berroa at short.”

Dwight Perry, Seattle Times: “The London Daily Telegraph reports that Cardiff University psychologist Cliff Arnall, armed with a mathematical formula, has declared June 20 to be the happiest day of the year. Oh, yeah? Try telling that to Curt Schilling’s shoulder.”

MEGAPHONE

“There really is no other way to describe the Lakers’ performance in Game 6 other than to say it was pathetic. It was a complete embarrassment to go into a game of that magnitude and not compete. There is absolutely no excuse for that, and it legitimately calls into question the character of some of their players.”

Former Lakers star Gail Goodrich, carving up the current team for the Los Angeles Daily News.

This drives the South Siders crazy, of course, and gives the White Sox organization an inferiority complex. Just listen to White Sox general manager Ken Williams complain about the Cubs’ mystique:

“It is so different. You might as well build a border, a Great Wall of China on Madison, because we are so different. We might as well be in two different cities. The unfortunate thing for me is it’s a shame that a certain segment of Chicago refused to enjoy a baseball championship being brought to their city. The only thing I can say is, ‘Happy anniversary.’”

Ouch! That salvo prompted Chicago Sun-Times columnist Jay Mariotti to fire back:

“I’d like to think he’s just a pro wrestler at heart, a carnival barker having some fun, a prankster with no malice intended. But when the subject is the Cubs, Ken Williams never has been a good-times guy. He is genuinely bitter about the realities of Chicago baseball classism — Cubs as the blueblooded phenomenon with the national identity and charming shrine, White Sox as the other team that no hotel concierge ever recommends.”

MYSTERIES OF THE UNIVERSE

Questions to ponder while wondering if the Blues will finally locate a power-play quarterback in this draft:

• Won’t it be weird to go to Scottrade Center this season and not see Jamal Mayers?
• Did the Mark Mulder comeback train derail in Memphis Thursday night? Will he have to go back to the drawing board and invent another arm slot?
• Will ditching the “Pacman” moniker really turn around Adam Jones’ life? Shouldn’t he be more concerned about his famously bad judgment?

PLAYING FOR KEEPS

The Feds really, really want to nail Barry Bonds on perjury charges. That will be no easy feat, which is why investigators want to get Bonds’ trainer, Greg Anderson, to roll on him.

To do that, the Internal Revenue Service is targeting Anderson’s wife Nicole Gestas. Perhaps a grand jury investigation of her, focused on tax-related issues, could convince Anderson to turn.

This is just starting to get interesting . . .

THE PERILS OF GAMBLING

Bromoblog (via Deadspin) tells us that Red Sock Kevin Millar lost a NBA bet with teammate Jason Varitek. This explains why he came to bat while Vanilla Ice’s “Ice Ice Baby” blared on the stadium sound system, to the horror of many.

QUIPS ‘R US

Here is what some of America’s leading sports pundits have been writing:

Gwen Knapp, San Francisco Chronicle: “Tiger Woods is an idiot. A mesmerizing, peerless, incandescent idiot. If he’d used his head at all, he would never have entered the U.S. Open last week with a double stress fracture and a torn ligament in his left leg. Woods marched 21 miles over the longest layout in Open history, playing five rounds and 24 hours of spellbinding golf, repeatedly wincing before he could plant a ritual smooch on the side of the coveted trophy Monday afternoon. Then, two days later, he had to kiss the rest of his season goodbye.”

Steve Rosenbloom, ChicagoSports.com: “A woman accused of fighting with strippers and hitting a security guard with a champagne bottle in the Pacman Jones melee in Las Vegas has turned up dead in New York. Her friends and family think she was thrown off an apartment building. So, now we’re talking naked women, an NFL star, shots fired, a dead body, and a lot of money. So, yeah, the NFL Network has programming.”

T.J. Simers, Los Angeles Times, on the Lakers: “Two teams go for the title, and one of them has to lose, but that doesn’t mean getting pulverized and exposed as big softies — the Lakers laying down like whipped dogs.”

Bill Simmons, ESPN.com, raving about Celtics star Paul Pierce: “Ever look at yourself in one of those circular makeup mirrors that women use, the ones that light up and magnify your face so you can see every crevice, whitehead, scratch and scar? That’s what the NBA playoffs do. It’s the circular makeup mirror for basketball players, a big enough stage that we can see every crevice, scratch and scar in their games. And for the most part, that’s what you see in the playoffs, especially in the Finals — you see everything that’s wrong with each player. Sometimes, this works in reverse and the player rises to the occasion and makes you think, ‘Wow, I didn’t realize he was that good,’ or ‘Wow, I’ve never seen him play like this!’ That has been Pierce in the 2008 Finals.”

Dave Barry, Miami Herald: “The Big Tuna is Bill Parcells, who got his nickname from the fact that he breathes through gills and can weigh up to 1,400 pounds. . . . He runs the team from a secret underground bunker furnished entirely with game-worn jockstraps. He is very hard-nosed. He makes Don Shula look like Barry Manilow.”

Jerry Greene, Orlando Sentinel, on Phil Mickelson’s U.S. Open flop: “Phil is Callaway’s top endorser but Callawaygolf.com uses its front page to tell us what’s in Rocco Mediate’s bag after his ‘gutsy, runner-up finish.’ Besides, we all know what wasn’t in Phil’s bag — neither a driver nor a clue.”

Dwight Perry, Seattle Times: “Bengals receiver Chad Johnson, after backing off his trade demands, underwent minor ankle surgery but is expected to be ready for training camp. Apparently he bit a ligament trying to get his foot out of his mouth.”

MEGAPHONE

“It’s going to be tough, but I’m just happy to know that we’re invited to the party. When you’re invited, you dance with a hot chick. You can pull a beautiful one or you can pull one that’s not as good looking. You can either go in the first round and get knocked out or you can go to the championship.”

Kobe Bryant, on the state of the Lakers.