The Roger Clemens public relations campaign continues at full speed.

His agents produced an 18,000-word statistical study –complete with 38 charts — to refute claims that the Rocket’s numbers took off at the time he allegedly started juicing.

“Clemens’ longevity was due to his ability to adjust his style of pitching as he got older, incorporating his very effective split-finger fastball to offset the decrease in the speed of his regular fastball caused by aging,” claimed the report, created by Randy Hendricks’ firm.

As for that supposedly dramatic turn in his career . . .

“Clemens was far from being in the ‘twilight of his career’ or ‘washed up’ in 1996, as some have speculated,” the report said. “During the 1996 season Clemens ranked first in strikeouts in the American League and tied his own record by striking out 20 batters in Detroit on Sept. 18, 1996. In addition, he ranked sixth in the AL in ERA, second in the AL in hits per nine innings, and fifth in innings pitched. This performance cannot be reasonably categorized as a ‘twilight.’’’

So there. To read report (and appreciate what good agents do), check it out online so you can feel better about humanity in general.

MYSTERIES OF THE UNIVERSE

Questions to ponder while Super Bowl ticket prices soar on the open market:

• Now that Tom Brady is walking around without a limp or an ankle boot, can we all sleep at night?
• Was the NHL All-Star Game really the best venue for Manny Legace to get back in a groove?
• Now that Tiger Woods has staked his territory for the year, what should the rest of the golfers do?

INVESTMENT OPPORTUNITY OF WEEK

Have you ever wanted to own a piece of a minor league pitcher without marrying him? Well, now you have your chance.

Randy Newsom, a pitcher in the Indians organization, has offering 4 percent of his future earnings for the low price of just $50,000. Individual shares of that 4 percent are selling for just $20.

Talk about the perfect gift for a sports fan with everything . . .

ANIMAL RIGHTS PROTEST OF WEEK

Back in the day, Donkey Basketball was a fine fundraising option for schools and civic groups. What is more hilarious than grown-ups trying try to play hoops while riding donkeys on a basketball court?

The folks at Buckeye Donkey Ball Co. advertises these eight-donkey contests as “the No. 1 wholesome, side-splitting, family-fun show.”

Alas, animal rights activists in suburban Chicago convinced Bremen High School to cancel such an event.

Joy Blanco, an Orland Park resident who opposed the game, said there’s nothing amusing about it. “These little donkeys can only take so much weight,” she told the Chicago Sun-Times. “It’s absolutely cruel.”

QUIPS ‘R US

Here is what some of America’s leading sports pundits have been writing:

Greg Cote, Miami Herald: “Roger Federer had reached 10 consecutive Grand Slam finals before Friday’s shocking semifinal ouster against Novak Djokovic. Cannot confirm that — fearing they won’t have the chance next week — the 1972 Dolphins clinked champagne glasses to celebrate him finally losing.”

Mike Bianchi, Orlando Sentinel: “If ever there was a question about the demographic of the Super Bowl, all you need to do is look at who has headlined the last four halftime shows. This year it’s aging rockers Tom Petty and the Heartbreakers. In the previous three years, it’s been Prince, the Rolling Stones and Paul McCartney. Who’s it going to be next year — Herman’s Hermits?”

Dan Daly, Washington Times: “One of the reasons Jim Zorn, the Redskins’ new offensive coordinator, relates so well to players is that he knows how hard the game can be. Zorn, after all, was the Seahawks’ quarterback in 1979 when they totaled minus-seven yards in a 24-0 loss to the Rams — the worst offensive performance in NFL history. In between sacks (six for 55 yards), he completed two of 17 passes. Seattle got one first down and ran 29 plays to L.A.’s 93.”

Scott Ostler, San Francisco Chronicle: “Kentucky Fried Chicken will donate $260,000 to charity in the name of any Super Bowl player who celebrates a touchdown by doing the chicken dance, because the company wants to publicize its hot wings. And now Janet Jackson is threatening to sue KFC because she didn’t get a dime for exposing her breast.”

MEGAPHONE

“No, no, please record this, I think by that time, I hope that I will have a nice husband and a few kids.”

Tennis star Maria Sharapova, when asked if she would still play tennis in 10 years.