Shaquille O’Neal turned on the charm at his introductory news conference in Phoenix, assuring fans that he wasn’t finished.

Here is how Mark Heisler of the Los Angeles Times described the session: “Shaquille O’Neal could be as old as Methuselah and he could be joining a troupe of midgets in the circus, but nobody does the first day in town like he does.”

Here are some highlights:

On all the naysayers: “I’ve got cable. I watch ESPN . . . I’m very upset and you just don’t want to get me upset. When I’m upset, I’m known to do certain things . . . like win championships.”

On his dedication to fitness: “I’ve given a full commitment to this medical staff and I will be here every day, before and after practice, doing whatever it takes to keep me going for the next 10 years. And I look forward to getting my next $200 million-for-two-years extension.”

On his chronic injury woes: “Nothing really hurts. If you want to, you can take me in a room and examine me yourself.”

On going to an up-tempo team: “The crazy thing about this society, people assume that just because they haven’t seen you do something, then you can’t do it. The last couple of years, I was in a system in Miami where we didn’t run so you guys automatically think I can’t run. I love to run, especially playing with a great guard like Steve Nash. I look forward to making people eat their words, I really do.”

The widespread skepticism that greeted this trade: “Yesterday, I was talking to my mother and I said, ‘Mom, what do you think? Everybody’s talking about me.’ She quickly said, ‘You know, it’s not about you. The greatest potential in me is we.’ “

On marketing this new era in Phoenix: “Get the T-shirts ready. You marketing people, this is for free: ‘The Sun will rise again.’ Suns gift shop, $9.99.”

MYSTERIES OF THE UNIVERSE

Questions to ponder while the Redskins’ global search for a new head coach grinds on:

• Will Kevin Lisch’s scoring outburst Thursday night carry over to the rest of conference play?
• How happy will Bruce Weber be when Eric Gordon turns pro?
• If Bengals receiver Chad Johnson really wants out from the Bengals to deal him, should the Rams look into that?

THAT’S JUST MEAN

CBS funnyman Craig Ferguson had this take on the physical toll paid during the Super Bowl: “Guys hobbling around, straining their muscles, taking tons of painkillers — and that was just Tom Petty & the Heartbreakers.”

NBC jokester Jay Leno fired this salvo: “With 97 million viewers, this was the most-watched Super Bowl in history. In fact, it was the second-most-watched event of all time, right after the Paris Hilton video. And how about Eli Manning making that miracle pass to David Tyree? They’re calling that the greatest escape since Wesley Snipes and the IRS.”

QUIPS ‘ R US

Here is what some of America’s leading sports pundits have been writing:

Mark Kriegel, FoxSports.com: “The way Mercury Morris was going on and on about the ‘72 Dolphins makes me think there should be mandatory drug-testing for retired players.”

Elliott Harris, Chicago Sun-Times: “Now that Rutgers has handed Connecticut’s women’s basketball team its first loss of the season, the Scarlet Knights must be eagerly anticipating that congratulatory phone call from Don Imus.”

Phil Sheridan, Philadelphia Inquirer: “One day you’re watching the millionth replay of David Tyree’s one-handed, one-headed catch against the Patriots; the next you’re watching doofuses (doofi?) in jackets and ties analyze the college choices of high school kids who happen to play football. Yes, it was national signing day, soon to be a national holiday with its own elaborate gatherings and food rituals. For someone who enjoys sports for, you know, the games, this is the latest pinnacle of televised boredom. Worse, it signifies the onset of Wonk Season: the buildup to the NFL draft, NCAA tournament bracket speculation, and, finally, the NFL draft itself.”

Jerry Greene, Orlando Sentinel: “Apparently the Phoenix Suns wanted Shaquille O’Neal because they fear the door is closing on their championship bid. The question is if Shaq will fit through the door.”

Steve Rosenbloom, ChicagoSports.com, on the Blackhawks: “If you can find a sap to take Martin Havlat’s big contract and miniscule contributions, you do it, Dale Tallon. You do it right now. Trade him before he gets hurt again. I mean, the soft and brittle winger couldn’t possibly score any less for the Hawks if he played for another team. His job is to score. That’s all he can do. But he can’t do that anymore. He certainly can’t play tough. Martin LaPointe, though, he comes back after missing seven games and gets in a fight in the first 15 seconds to help the Hawks win the only period they were going to win in the province where snow is one of the four major food groups. LaPointe gets it. Havlat can’t get even one shot on nine power plays. He can’t score, he doesn’t play tough and he couldn’t lead a one-man parade.”

Will Leitch, Deadspin.com, on Dick Vitale’s return: “Those who say Vitale is owed a considerable amount of credit for college basketball’s explosion over the last 15 years sound correct to us: When our Illini team of 1989, with Nick Anderson, Kenny Battle and Kendall Gill, busted out, it was Vitale whose voice we would all imitate while playing basketball in the back yard. ‘The Flying Illini, Baby!’ Of course, we were 13 years old, and 13-year-olds are stupid. Vitale is a guy that’s vital to the game, and we’re happy he’s back, doing what he loves. It’s not quite right without him. We’re still not taking the TV off mute.”

Kriegel again: “Finally, it’s basketball season. Now can someone catch me up to speed: how did the Miami Heat self-destruct faster than Amy Winehouse?”

MEGAPHONE

“I think honestly they’re playing to you guys, not talking to the drivers. Their [intentions] have not been relayed to the driver as to what’s been changed. Just a press release went out to the press, ‘Hey, we’re going to do this. How about that? You guys like that, right?’ So what have they told us? I don’t know what that means.”

Dale Earnhardt Jr., doubting that NASCAR really wants its drivers to bring out more personality in interviews this year.