Roger Clemens needs some love these days. The feds are zealously exploring perjury charges against him.

Agents have been poking around his business in Houston, exploring trails leading to a possible HGH supplier. The New York Times printed some of the ominous particulars and got this reaction from Clemens’ attorney, Rusty Hardin:

“You are on a witch hunt.”

Yeah, well, Roger brought that upon himself. But not everybody is raining on his parade. As Deadspin pointed out, the Huntsville Stars minor-league baseball team made him an enticing job offer.

Here is an excerpt from Stars general manager Buck Rogers’ open letter:

“We have already designed a new logo for the Huntsville Stars that now includes a rocket. Since everybody this side of Venus knows you as the ‘Rocket,’ we would like to offer you the position of our team’s official secondary mascot, ‘Rocket.’ As ‘Rocket,’ you will dress as an astronaut and simply interact with fans and assist in on-field promotions during our 70-game home schedule when the primary mascot, Homer the Polecat, is not available.

“We firmly believe that you would be a great addition to our organization and are willing to move forward in the negotiation process as soon as possible. Although the position isn’t the most lucrative in Minor League Baseball, we will guarantee that you’ll have the most fun of any team with which you’ve been employed. In addition to your $25 per game, you will receive meal vouchers redeemable at the concession stands for one hotdog and one soft drink each night, and a 15% employee discount at our team’s souvenir store, The Backstop Shop.”

MYSTERIES OF THE UNIVERSE

Questions to ponder while Sean Landeta finally gets on with the rest of his life:

• Is Rams Nation sleeping better now that Adam Goldberg is back in the fold?
• Are the Cards serious about bringing back Sidney Ponson? Does the team realize that his name was NOT in the Mitchell Report?
• Who could have guessed that the All-American Football League would fold before ever playing a game?

WHY WE LOVE JOHN DALY

During a 2 ½-hour rain delay in the PODS Championship, golfer John Daly repaired to the Hooters Owl Nest corporate hospitality tent. There, perhaps over salad and ice tea, he struck up an instant friendship with Tampa Bay Buccaneers coach Jon Gruden.

When the tourney resumed, Daly asked Gruden to caddy the rest of the round. The Associated Press wondered if the coach helped.

“Oh, yeah,” Daly said. “He fires you up.”

QUIPS ‘R US

Here is what some of America’s leading sports pundits have been writing:

Greg Cote, Miami Herald: “The commissioners of every major sport told a Congressional committee they would oppose a proposed national steroids law because they can rein in the problem themselves. Isn’t that like a man in a burning house with a pail of water telling the fire department, ‘no thanks?’”

Mark Kriegel, FoxSports.com: “I don’t mind ESPN shelling out big money for Bobby Knight. But I deeply regret he’ll never suffer the indignity of interviewing as great a lout as himself.”

Steve Rosenbloom, ChicagoSports.com: “Larry Hughes says the Bulls have to figure out some ‘go-to plays’ when the game’s on the line, and I’m thinking, you can write down all the go-to plays you want, but until you have a go-to players, it’s just toilet paper.”

Scott Ostler, San Francisco Chronicle: “Travis Buck describes to a local writer the first yoga class he and A’s teammate Dan Johnson attended during the offseason: ‘It was just me and Dan and a lot of old women.’ That’s so sweet! Those old women will really appreciate the mention.”

Jerry Greene, Orlando Sentinel: “There’s a rumor that LB Ray Lewis may sign with UFC. No offense, Ray, but those guys will kill you. Former WWE wrestler Brock Lesnar just had his UFC debut — and was tapping for mercy in 90 seconds.”

Bill Simmons, ESPN.com: “After watching three nationally televised Mavs games in the past week, I was amazed that every announcer and studio analyst raved about (Jason) Kidd and everything he “does” for a basketball team without ever mentioning his flaws. It’s like he was a Republican getting broken down on Fox News. We get it, he makes everyone better and runs the hell out of a fast break. But what about the fact that he can’t shoot? Or that he can’t guard any penetrating guard? Or that, when things slow down in the last four minutes of a game and everyone stops running, he’s just not as effective?”

Cote again: “The Indy Racing League and Champ Car circuits have merged, effectively consolidating two factions of too few fans into one disinterested group.”

MEGAPHONE

“We all believe, man. When you’ve got a roster full of guys that really believe in themselves, great chemistry among the team, and we go out and play extremely hard every night, I’m not surprised.”

Rockets star Tracy McGrady, on his team’s 17-game winning streak.