If you have David “Big Papi” Ortiz on your fantasy team, perhaps you got up early to watch the Red Sox and A’s play for real this morning in Japan.

If you didn’t, here is some of the color:

Against all odds, J.D. Drew missed the regular season opener because of a sore back. Big Sean Casey was also unavailable, due to what manager Terry Francona called “Southern League neck” – stiffness that minor leaguers often suffer after long bus rides.

“(It) should not be confused with the more modern ailment, ‘Atlantic League Neck’ (ie. after several HGH injections supplied by a trusted teammate, a player no longer appears to have a neck,” observed the blog Can’t Stop the Bleeding.

The Red Sox had a rocky start, as described here by ESPN.com’s Mike Philbrick: “If you drafted Daisuke Matsuzaka for your fantasy team, you probably don’t want to see his third pitch of the season (spoiler alert: it was a home run to Mark Ellis). Or the walk he followed it up with. Or how he managed to follow that by hitting Jack Cust in the foot. Or the wild pitch after that. Or the walk after that. Or the RBI groundout to Bobby Crosby, who Gary Thorne reminded everyone is hitting .228 for the past two years. A 32-pitch effort in the end. Welcome home, Daisuke.”

It was truly baffling to hear the ESPN crew rave about the genius of A’s general manager Billy Beane, who continues to assemble also-rans year after year after year. Imagine the attention he would get if his team ever wins a World Championship.

Back in Boston, bars were allowed to open at 5:30 a.m. to accommodate fans watching the game. For the safety of rush-hour commuters, the taverns were not allowed to sell beer until the game ended.

The A’s didn’t get a whole lot of media attention during this foray to Japan. “We’re delighted to be here,” A’s owner Lew Wolff told the San Francisco Chronicle. “It’s very hard to get tickets to Boston games. That’s one of the reasons we came out here.”

MYSTERIES OF THE UNIVERSE

Questions to ponder while long-suffering Knicks fans celebrate Donnie Walsh’s hiring:

• Can Tiger Woods regroup after his inexplicable non-victory? Or will he tumble into a John Daly-caliber tailspin?
• Did Tony La Russa see where the Chicago Tribune picked the Cards to finish 69-93 this season?
• Will the Rams see the real James Hall this season? Or will he continue to hobble around on bad wheels?

THAT’S JUST MEAN

Fark.com offered this baseball update: “Andy Pettitte still bothered by back spasms. Oddly not bothered by back stabbing.”

QUIPS ‘R US

Here is what some of America’s leading sports pundits have been writing:

Norman Chad, syndicated columnist: “When Tiger’s on the leader board, he’s the only golfer they show. It’s like a Jim Carrey movie — he’s in every scene. And who can blame them? Heck, I love Stewart Cink to death, but I don’t want to share my entire weekend with him. But Tiger? It reminds me of when Mike Tyson was in his prime — you couldn’t walk past a TV set, see Tyson in the ring and not stop to watch him.”

Steve Rosenbloom, Chicago Tribune, on the new Cubs closer: “(Kerry) Wood has never saved a game in the majors, maybe never in his career, maybe even including Little League. That’s a problem, and here’s why: Everyone who has ever closed will tell you there’s a big difference between pitching to Albert Pujols in the eighth and pitching to him in the ninth. See LaTroy Hawkins for details. There’s a reason guys get paid a lot more money for what they can do if they can do it in the ninth.”

Mike Bianchi, Orlando Sentinel: “Can you believe UFlorida basketball coach Billy Donovan has locked his young team out of its practice facility and told his players they haven’t earned the right to wear Gators gear? You’ve heard of a snit fit? Well, this is a NIT fit.”

Scott Ostler, San Francisco Chronicle: “German billiards champion Axel Buescher has been suspended after testing positive for an agent that masks a performance-enhancing drug. Officials became suspicious when Buescher broke a rack and four of the balls went yard.”

Mark Kriegel, FoxSports.com: “Seamheads love to say that hitting a baseball is the most difficult feat in sports. But how tough can it really be if Billy Crystal made contact? Personally, I would’ve thrown at him. Then again, give the guy his due: Crystal’s had a better spring than Carlos Delgado.”

Dwight Perry, Seattle Times: “Seats for ‘Joe Paterno, Communications and the Media’ — a new course offering at Penn State chronicling Paterno’s 59 years of coaching football there — figure to be snapped up quickly when upperclassmen start registering for fall classes next month. According to the class syllabus, students will be regaled on such Paterno topics as: How he once dealt with telegraph bloggers; how to order football uniforms from a 1964 Sears and Roebuck catalog; and the day the Wright brothers introduced JoePa to the double wing.”

MEGAPHONE

“I can’t force them to trade me . . . I’m just trying to let them know I’m not happy. We’re fooling ourselves not doing things we need to do to compete with the Indy’s, the Jacksonville’s, Dallas. How do you let Shaun Rogers get away? That helps your run defense. Our defense gives us a chance to win. I’m frustrated. I’m feeling like our fans felt 10 or 11 years before I got here and now we’re going backward . . . not forward. We finished 11-5, 8-8, 7-9 . . . what are we gonna be this season coming up?”

Unhappy Bengals receiver Chad Johnson, airing his complaints to ESPN.