In spring training, veteran ballplayers have lots of time of their hands. Their daily routine starts to drag.

Pranks can help spice things up. The Chicago Tribune brought us the tale of Cubs strength coach Tim Buss and his 1995 Nissan Sentra.

On Tuesday, players told Buss to check out his car. It was a mess. As ESPN.com noted, “the windows were smashed, the doors tied closed, the trunk peeled up and the roof punctured.”

The criminals left their calling cards: bats and balls.

“I figured [Jon] Lieber, [Kerry] Wood immediately, [Ryan] Dempster . . . ” he told the Tribune. “Then I realized it was every pitcher we have.”

That’s funny stuff, but how was Buss going to explain this to his wife? After all, the Sentra was really her car.

“It’s a shame,” Buss said after assessing the damage, according to the Tribune. “What kind of person would do something like that? It really just shocks me. I’m sure she’ll understand.”

After Buss had suffered enough, Dempster directed Buss back to the parking lot. There, Cubs players gave him the keys to a Nissan Xterra SUV.

The Tribune tells us that Buss misted up while receiving the gift. “They’re great guys,” he said.

MYSTERIES OF THE UNIVERSE

Questions to ponder while wondering how many Americans will take a really long lunch today:

• With good-hitting middle infielder Juan Uribe on waivers, should the Cards take a look?
• Who could have possibly guessed that Kerry Wood would get during spring training?
• Is Brandon Chillar really a $5.4 million linebacker? Based on what?
• Why, exactly, does the College Basketball Invitational exist?

SAD, BUT TRUE

NBC funnyman Jay Leno had this take on March Madness: “A Chicago consulting firm said that March Madness is going to cost U.S. businesses $1.7 billion in lost productivity. In fact, so many people are watching basketball at work, they don’t even have time to look at porn.”

THAT’S JUST MEAN

Over at Sports by Brooks, Randy Moss got a rough ride for getting his own commemorative envelope in West Virginia. The blog could only imagine what Moss might say at the unveiling ceremony:

“Neither snow nor rain nor heat nor gloom of night stays these couriers from the swift completion of their appointed rounds . . . unless Kerry Collins is the postmaster or I’m feeling kinda down that day or if the letters are over the middle of the field.”

QUIPS ‘R US

Here is what America’s leading sports pundits have been writing:

Chris Foster, Los Angeles Times: “UCLA versus Mississippi Valley State. Both reek of tradition. The Wooden Award, named for the former Bruins coach, goes to college basketball’s best player. The Alphonso Ford Top Scorer Trophy, named for a former Mississippi Valley State player, goes to the leading scorer in the Euroleague.”

Mark Kriegel, FoxSports.com: “Can’t wait to see Stanford-Cornell in the first round of the tournament. Heard they’re going to have a dynamite science fair at halftime.”

Greg Couch, Chicago Sun-Times: “Did you watch the Big Ten tournament? This conference is absolutely awful, meaning Big Ten teams haven’t played top opponents all year. No Big Ten teams get past the second round.”

Bill Simmons, ESPN.com: “I’m going with UCLA over Tennessee in the title game. If you have that as your final as well, set your pool on fire right now because that’s the most fun you’ll have with it. I’m never right about anything. Then again, even Kwame Brown grabs a rebound every once in a while. You never know.”

Jerry Greene, Orlando Sentinel: “A recent medical study suggests not only does HGH not improve strength but it might worsen athletic performance. That’s pure irony right there, folks.”

Norman Chad, syndicated columnist, after hearing Prince Fielder has gone vegetarian: “I hate to be a tool for the beef industry, but the next National League MVP is not going to be eating wheat gluten burgers. Fielder hit 50 homers last season on a steady diet of steaks and tri-tip; I believe he’ll hit 28 homers this season on a steady diet of sprouts and tofu.”

Dan Daly, Washington Times: “Turning to football, Giants receiver David Tyree is coming out with a book in September. It’s tentatively titled “You, Too, Can Write A Book If You Catch A Pass Late In The Super Bowl By Improbably Pinning The Ball Against Your Helmet.”

Greg Cote, Miami Herald: “Japanese manufacturer Toyota won its first Sprint Cup race since joining NASCAR last year. Which explains all of those Confederate flags flying at half mast.”

Mike Bianchi, Orlando Sentinel: ‘Did you see where Mary Ann from Gilligan’s Island was caught with marijuana in her car a few days ago? Coming soon: The Professor is arrested for making HGH out of coconut shells and bamboo husks.”

MEGAPHONE

“We want to show them that we belong in this tournament. We worked hard to have this tournament, and we want to take full advantage of that. We’re going to prepare for Georgetown and go into this game thinking that we’re going to win. That’s how we’re going to approach it.”

UMBC point guard Jay Greene.