Other than the intrepid Tony La Russa, no big league manager has shown much interest in deploying Barry Bonds this season.

Other than the Tampa Bay Rays, no franchise has seriously considered signing the free agent slugger.

So players association czar Donald Fehr may be ready to call “shenanigans” on Major League Baseball.

Has Bonds been blackballed? Is he the victim of collusion?

Or are teams passing on him or legitimate reasons — including his inability to play in the outfield, his egotistical, team-killing personality and his ongoing legal trouble?

“He’s in playing shape right now. He just hasn’t hit off live pitching,” Bonds’ agent, Jeff Borris, told the Associated Press. “I’ve had conversations with Barry. It would probably take him about two weeks to get ready.”

Yeah, well, unless his lose about 30 pounds in two weeks – and shed his attitude AND resolve his legal issues AND came clean about his training methods – nothing will come open for him.

MYSTERIES OF THE UNIVERSE

Questions to ponder while the Missouri Valley Conference flexes its muscles in the NIT:

• How will Rams fans get any work done today while awaiting word of Brandon Chillar’s decision?
• Now that the Blues have actually won a game, will people get off Andy Murray’s back?
• Has even Amaury Marti passed poor Juan Gonzalez on the Cards depth chart?

LETTERMAN’S LIST

CBS funnyman David Letterman offered his “Top Ten Signs Your College Basketball Team Won’t Make the NCAA Tournament.” They included:

• When team makes a basket, everybody hugs and squeals, ‘Yipee!”
• Players look like the fat guy from “Lost.”
• Coach keeps pronouncing NCAA “NICKAHHHHH.”
• Before hitting the court, team eats lovely meal of fettuccine alfredo.
• They spend timeouts discussing who will win “American Idol.”
• Team let shot clock expire because they enjoy the buzz.
• School’s mascot is a giant asthma inhaler.
• Players regularly leave the game early to beat traffic.
• Point guard is leading the league in hernias.
• They score less than Eliot Spitzer.

QUIPS ‘R US

Here is what some of America’s leading sports pundits have been writing:

Chris Foster, Los Angeles Times: “Coppin State beat Morgan State. Morgan State beat American University. American beat Maryland. Maryland beat North Carolina. So why isn’t Coppin State the top-seeded team in the tournament?”

Steve Rosenbloom, ChicagoSports.com: “Davidson, by the way, is the early favorite to be this year’s George Mason. And would you look at that script: an opening-round game against Gonzaga, which was George Mason before George Mason, then a likely second-round match against Georgetown, a bully that has been known to get upset big. If you really connect the dots, Davidson is in the same bracket as Bill Self’s team. Live the dream, you Davidson Whateveryournickname, live it big.”

Greg Cote, Miami Herald: “A letter handwritten by Hank Aaron in 1951 sold at auction for $24,150. I’m thinking that unless the letter came in an envelope stuffed with about $24,000 cash, somebody overpaid.”

Jay Mariotti, Chicago Sun-Times: “He’s one of those blue “I Believe” wristbands. He’s the shriek in Ron Santo’s voice, the quiver in the soul of every diehard, the ongoing template of hope in Cubdom. We’re talking about Kerry Lee Wood, of course, and later this week, in news that will delight a cult that clings to him like a string of rosary beads, Lou Piniella is expected to anoint him as the team’s closer. Do I love the story line? Absolutely, like a 16-ounce beer in the bleachers. But do I trust the story line? Oh, about as much as Aramis Ramirez with a fighting rooster or Eliot Spitzer with free time on his hands.”

Norman Chad, syndicated columnist: “Golf is one of four sports — along with bowling, billiards and poker* — in which some of the “athletes” occasionally can play better under the influence of alcohol. (*Technically, poker is not a sport, but it is a pursuit that best personifies our once-great nation. For poker is about risk/reward, and America was built on risk, baby! On the other hand, I’m tired of poker players walking around like they split the atom when all they did was outplay some sucker from Poughkeepsie post-flop.)”

Dan Daly, Washington Times: “The Connecticut women’s basketball program might be in trouble with the NCAA because it arranged for a private tour of ESPN in ‘05 for one of its recruits, Maya Moore. Possible penalties, I’m told, include: (1) probation; (2) loss of scholarships, and (3) Moore serving, for a period of no less than a year, as Dana Jacobson’s designated driver.”

Scott Ostler, San Francisco Chronicle: “I’m no expert, but with Barry Zito, I believe the problem is his release point. He needs to release the ball 10 feet closer to the plate.”

Steve Simmons, ESPN.com: “Sports movies fill a void created by the real sports world. So many times we are disappointed by a game, a player, a team, a playoffs. But with rewatchably good sports movies, we’re always in control. Louden Swain is always going to pin Shute. The Good Nazi will always stand up after Pelé nails that bicycle kick. Carl Spackler’s “Cinderella story” will always be funny. Roy Hobbs’ final homer will always shatter the lights. And (Kevin) Costner’s wimpy brother will always beat the Cannibal by one second as Costner cheers him on with a porn mustache.”

MEGAPHONE

“I’d like to say I played as hard as he did but I couldn’t. I couldn’t put my effort up against him. I don’t know how many people in the league could. He’s a special talent, a special player.”

Former Sixers center Todd MacCulloch, on former teammate Allen Iverson.