Patriots coach Bill Belichick is struggling to put Spygate to rest. Even the gang at “South Park” is picking on him.

If you like that show – or if you just don’t like Belichick – then you’ll love Cartman’s riff on cheating in a recent episode.

The animated character cited Belichick as a cheater worth emulating: “He’s won three Super Bowls. How? He cheated. He even got caught cheating and nobody cared. Bill Belichick proved in America, it’s OK to cheat, as long as you cheat your way to the top.

“If you cheat and fail, you’re a cheater. If you cheat and succeed, you’re savvy.”

Later, Cartman again cited the Patriots coach while preaching perseverance: “Just before the last Super Bowl, Bill Belichick gathered his football players and said let’s win this one for real… Just this one time. Let’s not cheat. You know what happened? They lost.

“Even if you feel all eyes are upon you, you cannot give up on cheating or else you can lose the biggest game of your lives.”

Thanks to Deadspin for bringing this life lesson to our attention.

MYSTERIES OF THE UNIVERSE

Questions to ponder while Tiger Woods plays catch-up at Augusta, again:

• How good would the Cards be this season if they could actually build some big innings at the plate?
• So what was Plan B for the Oklahoma State basketball program?
• Are the Dolphins really leaning toward selecting Jake Long first overall? Or are their early negotiations with the Michigan tackle just a smokescreen?

RON, DON’T LOOK

Athletes should never read Internet message boards to see what fans think of them. There are a LOT of angry people out there.

So Sacramento Kings officials had to wince when forward Ron Artest had this revelation for the Sacramento Bee: What he sees on message boards will help decide whether to opt out of his contact this summer and become a free agent.

“If I’m going to be in Sacramento, I want to know what the community is thinking about me,” he told the newspaper. “[After] that last game, it was ‘Ron Artest don’t pass the ball,’ and one guy said he didn’t want me in Sacramento, I was like, ‘Wow.’”

QUIPS ‘R US

Here is what some of America’s leading sports pundits have been writing:

Greg Cote, Miami Herald: “Dwyane Wade and other inactive Heat players manned telephones to elicit season-ticket sales during Wednesday’s home loss to New Orleans. Is that what they mean by the Heat phoning it in this season?”

Bill Simmons, ESPN.com: “For all intents and purposes, (Barry) Bonds‘ career has vanished into thin air. His home ballpark has had three different names (Pac Bell, SBC and AT&T), but it was mostly considered the House That Barry Built. This season, though, all traces of his dirigible-size head have been erased. Forget about a statue, inside or outside the stadium; there isn’t a plaque, a banner or even a picture. It’s like Bonds never happened. Once upon a time in San Francisco, Barry was up there with the Golden Gate Bridge, Alcatraz, the Dead and the Mitchell Brothers. Now, the Giants do everything short of banning their fans from wearing No. 25 jerseys.”

Steve Rosenbloom, ChicagoSports.com: “Whoa, the Pirates are sticking up their fans for $7.50 for a 16-ounce beer, which works out to about 50 cents a year for the 15 straight years the Pirates have posted losing records.”

Frank Fitzpatrick, Philadelphia Inquirer, on Our Town’s Ryan Howard: “He’s lunging overanxiously at the ball again, displaying more impatience than Larry Bowa at the ballet. Suggestion: Relax, you’re making $10 million.”

Dwight Perry, Seattle Times: “Braves minor-leaguer Jordan Schafer has been suspended for 50 games by the baseball commissioner’s office after he tested positive for human growth hormone. Suspicions were reportedly aroused when he shattered the dugout bench while practicing the tomahawk chop.”

MEGAPHONE

“He has been a role model, to be honest. I was born within (12) days of Tiger, and I was still working in the pro shop when he was out playing golf. It just gave me a massive buzz to go out and start practicing harder and harder 10 years ago, and it’s nice to be playing golf in the same arena as him right now because you have to test yourself. Everyone out here is being tested.”

Golfer Ian Poulter, on the Tiger Woods Era of golf.