Let’s hope Memphis guard Derrick Rose ate healthy at the breakfast buffet today. Let’s hope he ate a nice lunch, too, and left the hotel candy machine alone.

The Tigers are counting on him in the title game. And as Chicago Sun-Times columnist Jay Mariotti observed, a bad case of “Gummy Bearitis” shelved him Sunday.

“He eats Gummy Bears and Starburst for breakfast and Twizzlers and honey buns for dinner. That’s why his stomach hurts,” Memphis teammate Chris Douglas-Roberts told reporters. “We’ve told Derrick the whole year, `Stop eating so many Gummy Bears and Sour Straws.’

“But he can’t. Nobody eats Gummy Bears more than him.”

Tigers coach John Calipari confirmed the problem with Rose.

“The kid likes grilled cheese, pizza and candy,” Calipari told reporters. “It’s a great diet.”

MYSTERIES OF THE UNIVERSE

Questions to ponder while wondering if either Kansas or Memphis will ever apply their brakes tonight and work for a good shot in their half-court offense:

• Now that the Cards have proven they can hit left-handed pitching – supposedly their Achilles heel – will their offense take off?
• As bad as the Blues season became, what would they have done without Brad Boyes?
• Isn’t if fun watching Geno Auriemma lose a big game?

THE SILLINESS OF THE NCAA

Sex sells. The NCAA knows this, because it allows schools to bring provocatively dressed co-eds to the Big Dance and stage a nice floor show for all the leering men in the house.

But heaven forbid that a Hooters Girl appear in the Final Four tournament program. That company pulled its Page 4 ad featuring Dick Vitale because the NCAA didn’t want the hot-looking female in that photo.

“That would be like telling General Motors you can advertise but don’t show a picture of a car,” company spokesman Mike McNeil said in a statement.

THAT’S JUST MEAN

CBS funnyman David Lettterman fired this salvo: “Are you excited about March Madness? Here’s how it works: We go from 65 to 32, then to 16, and then to eight and — well, no, no, that’s — those are Hillary Clinton’s superdelegates.”

QUIPS ‘R US

Here is what some of America’s leading sports pundits have been writing:

Greg Cote, Miami Herald: “Retired quarterback Brett Favre’s agent denies a report Favre might change his mind and play again. Favre had no comment, overcome by emotion and weeping too uncontrollably to get any words out.”

Mike Lupica, New York Daily News: “Here’s sort of an interesting question: If Matt Walsh, who used to shoot video for the Patriots, didn’t shoot the Rams walk-through before that Patriots-Rams Super Bowl, how come Walsh wants immunity before he talks to Roger Goodell?”

Mike Bianchi, Orlando Sentinel: “The big news in Jose Canseco’s new book is that A-Rod tried to hit on Canseco’s hot wife. Wow, now there’s a revelation. I can hardly wait for book No. 3 where it is revealed that Derek Jeter borrowed Canseco’s pitching wedge and didn’t give it back.”

Bill Simmons, ESPN.com: “Can’t the media agree on a ban from this day forward — no more interviews with the ‘72 Dolphins for the rest of eternity? If you want to run a clip of one of them talking, just run one of the old interviews and time-stamp it. Let’s get rid of these guys once and for all. And while we’re here, can we all agree to give America a 10-year break from Mike Eruzione? Mikey, we love you, we appreciate everything you did … but if I hear you describe that winning goal one more time, I’m going to buy Jim Craig’s American flag on eBay and strangle myself with it. Take a breather and we’ll see you again in 2018.”

Norman Chad, syndicated columnist: “The NFL approves use of defensive helmet radios. (For the Lions, they’ll be useless without a GPS receiver.)”

MEGAPHONE

“We need to go home and play well. We’re a better ballclub than we showed here, and we know that. Including myself, we need to pick it up. Bottom line, we need to pick it up.”

Mets catcher Paul Lo Duca, after the Cards swept his Nationals.