Here is stunning news: Animated Cubs ace Carlos Zambrano admits he may have a caffeine problem.

The big fellow is contemplating changing his daily beverage intake to reduce his curious habit of cramping up in games.

“I have to stop drinking coffee and Red Bull,” he told the Chicago Sun-Times. “You have to put (healthier fluids) in your system and in your mind. For me, I like to drink coffee. But if I (can’t) drink coffee because this happens, I won’t drink it.”

Why does Zambrano need coffee? Sun-Times columnist Jay Mariotti wondered aloud about that:

“It doesn’t make much sense to guzzle caffeine and energy drinks when he’s already been equipped in life with a hyperactive motor. So concerned were the Cubs after he departed yet another game prematurely Monday with either a forearm or hand cramp . . . they shipped him to Northwestern Memorial Hospital for a series of blood and urine tests. They also plan on having Zambrano’s sweat analyzed by the Gatorade Sports Science Institute.”

So Zambrano drink more water to stay hydrated and eat more bananas to raise potassium levels. Tipsheet will keep you updated on his progress.

MYSTERIES OF THE UNIVERSE

Questions to ponder while wondering if Patriots turncoat Matt Walsh will talk to the NFL in our lifetime:

• Can Scott Linehan really pull off this new tough coach image he is trying to project? Or will the players continue tuning him out?
• Who could have possibly guessed that Pedro Martinez would end up on the disabled list?
• Who could have possibly guessed that Chris Henry would suffer another off-season legal scrape?
• Who could have possibly guessed it would rain all day today in St. Louis, putting another Cards game in danger?

QUIPS ‘R US

Here is what some of America’s leading sports pundits have been writing:

Steve Rosenbloom, ChicagoSports.com: “Moises Alou said he wouldn’t have caught the Bartman ball. Liar, liar, pants on fire. I mean, what are you doing, saying this now, five years later? And besides, Alou’s reaction at the time gave every indication he believed he could’ve caught the foul down the line in left. I don’t believe that Alou believes it. I do believe that Alou is trying to get the kid paroled from infamy, but sorry, that’s a life sentence.”

Mark Kriegel, FoxSports.com: “John Calipari likens his Memphis team’s style to ‘Princeton on Steroids.’ More like Princeton with priors.”

Mike Bianchi, Orlando Sentinel: “True story: An endocrinologist who examined female cyclist Tammy Thomas back in 2000 recently testified during her BALCO trial that Thomas’ voice had become so deep that it was man-like, and her beard had become so heavy, she had to start shaving. I guess you could say she was taking steroids like Barry Bonds but turned into Barry White.”

Dwight Perry, Seattle Times: “Tiger Woods, saying cameras clicking during his backswing have caused errant shots, recently vowed to ‘break the . . . neck’ of the next photographer who does it. So forget Butch Harmon. Looks like Tiger could use a good mood-swing coach.”

Michael Ventre, NBCSports.com, on David Beckham’s bid glamorize soccer in the U.S.: “Sorry, I won’t fall for that tired gag. It’s the sports equivalent of ‘Your shoelace is untied.’ The British star and his wife came to the U.S. with a big splash and a multimillion-dollar deal with the L.A. Galaxy. But when he wasn’t playing for England for some obscure cup, he was sitting in a whirlpool bath refusing comment. Beckham wasn’t a soccer player last season, he was a photo op. And one of those doctored Bigfoot photos to boot.”

Bill Simmons, ESPN.com, on Tyler Hansbrough’s high media profile: “For anyone who doesn’t think there’s a racial component to this, you’re crazy. Just look at David West of the Hornets — like Hansborough, he’s a self-made player and a staunch competitor who plays with an inordinate amount of passion, an undersized forward who routinely scores on bigger bodies, someone who extracted every ounce of his potential and made the most of it. Well, have you ever read a David West feature? Have you ever heard announcers raving about him to the point that you wondered if they were related to him? No and no. I just think it’s a little, um, peculiar. We’ll see if this changes during the NBA playoffs.”

MEGAPHONE

“You know what, maybe the fans needed to realize that this program doesn’t just operate — we don’t go into the gas station and fill the kids up with fuel and turn the key on.”

Arizona coach Lute Olson, noting how much the team missed him during his leave of absence.