Can anybody blame Pirates fans for getting a bit impatient?

As their team fell behind the Cubs 7-0 in Pittsburgh’s home opener Monday, they chanted “Let’s go Pens” to keep their minds on hockey.

The Pirates rallied gamely, forced extra innings . . . and then lost in the 12th, when reliever Evan Meek (his real name!) spit up the game. The 10-8 loss was the Pirates’ 13th failure in their last 15 home openers.

The game was an absolute mess, as Pittsburgh Post-Gazette columnist Gene Collier observed:

“Which is more difficult, stringing together 16 consecutive losing seasons, or playing baseball for an entire century without winning a World Series? The Pirates and Cubs could come to an understanding of these things separately this summer, but the comparison of their twin albatrosses got virtually no discussion on the North Side yesterday, mostly because the entire afternoon (four hours and 47 minutes of it, technically) got swallowed by approximate baseball.

“The Cubs, who won it in 12 innings, made three errors, issued eight walks and generally looked like something other than the clear favorite to win the National League Central. The Pirates, who did the 37,491 assembled the courtesy of rubbing out a 7-0 Cubs lead, made two errors, issued 11 walks and skunked up a ninth inning that would have beaten Chicago in regulation.”

So the National League Central is still the National League Central, despite all the good preseason publicity.

MYSTERIES OF THE UNIVERSE

Questions to ponder while wondering if young Kyle McClellan will be able to shrug off Monday night’s hit and move on:

• Just how popular is Mario Chalmers in Lawrence right now? Will it be a while before he waits in another line or springs for his own cheeseburger?
• Will Bill Self accept the Most Outrageous Contract Ever and jump to Oklahoma State? Or can he say no to T. Boone Pickens and tens of millions of dollars?
• Given the nature of this season, did Blues executives really believe they would luck out and get the first overall draft pick?
• Did Memphis go back to their gym to practice their free-throw shooting Tuesday?

TOUGH TALK FROM AN OLD FAT GUY

Shaquille O’Neal insists he will be a factor for Phoenix come playoff time. The Orlando Sentinel brought this quote to our attention:

“I can’t do some of the things I once did. I can’t get the numbers I did. Every 36-year-old goes through the same thing. But remember, I’m still the baddest 36-year-old guy out there, and that’s going to be enough.”

QUIPS ‘R US

Here is what some of America’s leading sports pundits have been writing:

Greg Cote, Miami Herald: “David Beckham got his first goal for the Los Angeles Galaxy as Major League Soccer opened its 13th season. Quick: Name another player in the league. I dare you!”

Steve Rosenbloom, ChicagoSports.com: “The only good thing about Bill Self’s Kansas team surviving a near-choke of a 28-point lead is that everybody can just shut up about Tyler Hansbrough. I mean, have you ever heard so much claptrap about a guy who’s ‘relentless,’ a guy who ‘never stops?’ Look, effort should be a given; execution is the difference, so shut up already about a guy who didn’t get it done and who’ll be lucky to be Eric Montross by the time this is all over.”

Mike Lupica, New York Daily News: “When I heard there was going to be a screwball comedy about pro football, I just assumed it was about the Jets.”

Elliott Harris, Chicago Sun-Times: “Ken Wiliams is upset by Jose Canseco’s claim that the White Sox general manager and the team knew of steroid use in their clubhouse in 2001. On the bright side, no Canseco reports of any Sox trying to hit on his wife.”

Mike Bianchi, Orlando Sentinel: “Did you see where the Southeastern Conference is celebrating its 75th anniversary? I’m not sure, but I think the NCAA Committee on Infractions plans to pay tribute to the occasion by launching a commemorative letter of inquiry.”

Bill Simmons, ESPN.com, on not loving college basketball: “Of all the guys we watched in the tournament this year, maybe eight of them could step into an NBA rotation right away, and only two of them (Derrick Rose and Michael Beasley) could start for a decent team. Personally, I’d rather watch basketball played passionately at the highest possible level; the NBA hasn’t been this good since the watershed 1992-93 season and the competitiveness of its games has just been absolutely remarkable. I remember the days when maybe 10 regular-season games per year would stand out; now we’re getting four or five a week, and that’s not even an exaggeration.”

Jeff Schultz, Atlanta Journal-Constitution, on injury-prone Braves hurler Mike Hampton: “If you’re Hampton, what’s keeping you from throwing in the towel? I mean, except maybe the fear of a torn rotator cuff.”

MEGAPHONE

“Tiger’s untouchable, apparently, a protected species. If you take aim, you will be prosecuted. He is on a pedestal, unfortunately. You can’t even talk about him.”

Golfer Rory Sabbatini, talking to the Sunday Times of London about Tiger Woods.