On one side, you have Dolphins defensive end Jason Taylor. He spent his offseason “Dancing With The Stars” and plotting his show business career.

(Taylor finished second to figure skater Kristi Yamaguchi, who married another figure skater, former Blues defenseman Bret Hedican.)

On the other side, there is old school Bill Parcells, Miami’s new executive vice president of football operations. He spent the offseason restoring order in this once-proud NFL franchise.

A standoff was inevitable. And the victor of the standoff – Parcells – was easy to predict.

At a Wednesday news conference, Dolphins coach Tony Sparano told reporters that Taylor was, essentially, dead to him. He is what Sparano said:

“Here’s what I know: What I know is that Jason Taylor — and I’m glad we’ve gotten the information; that’s important — I know that Jason is not going to be at any OTAs [organized team activities]. I know that Jason is not going to be at any minicamps, and I know that right now, that Jason is not going to be at training camp.

“That being said, we need to discuss the current players on our team right now that have been busting their butt for nine weeks here.”

So that’s that. Taylor is out – despite what he has been writing in his ESPN The Magazine blog.

“Yes, there’s a new defense to learn,” Taylor wrote. “But we’ve had a lot of coaches the last five years, and I’ve learned all those defenses. We’ll make it work, trust me. We’re not reinventing the wheel here.”

Somehow Taylor has to end up in Dallas to join the Terrell Owens/Pacman Jones circus. That would be cool.

MYSTERIES OF THE UNIVERSE

Questions to ponder while the Padres recover from Albert Pujols’ vicious assault on their roster:

• Has one player ever taken out a team’s starting pitcher and starting catcher in the same inning? Does Stats Inc. have a category for that?
• Can Ryan Ludwick really keep like this? And can the Cards really keep Joe Mather down on the farm if he continues HIS torrid pace this summer?
• What sort of, um, defensive tactics tactics will Bruce Bowen devise to slow Kobe Bryant?

QUIPS ‘R US

Here is what some of America’s leading sports pundits have been writing:

Gene Wojciechowski, ESPN.com, on the site of the 2012 Super Bowl: “Indianapolis? You mean, the Indianapolis in Indiana? The place where the low was 26 degrees with a trace of snow on Super Bowl Sunday this year? I don’t get it. Playing in a Super Bowl is supposed to be a reward, not a reason to visit your local North Face outlet. And attending a Super Bowl as a fan is supposed to be the experience of a lifetime, a chance to break out multiple bottles of SPF 30. The only things you’ll break out in Indy are space heaters. “

Jeff Schultz, Atlanta Journal-Constitution: “Andruw Jones reportedly has torn cartilage in his right knee. His personal trainer has suggested he start cramming the cheeseburgers in his left cheek instead of his right, in hopes of shifting the weight and alleviate the pressure.”

Scott Ostler, San Francisco Chronicle: “A guy named George Hood set a world record for riding a stationary bike, peddling eight straight days and the equivalent of 2,016 miles. But he still finished 20 feet behind the rack of dumbbells on the far wall.”

Dwight Perry, Seattle Times: “This just in: Hillary Clinton refuses to concede the Hornets are out of the NBA playoffs.”

Dan Daly, Washington Times: “Did you hear Ken Griffey Jr. paid off a debt to teammate Josh Fogg by filling his locker with 15,000 pennies? Griffey originally planned to pay Fogg in $1 bills, but the bank teller told him, ‘Pacman Jones has ‘em all.’”

Chris Foster, Los Angeles Times: “Five of the six division leaders in major-league baseball — the Angels, Chicago White Sox, Boston Red Sox, Arizona Diamondbacks and Florida Marlins — have won World Series championships since 2000. And the sixth team? Well, the Chicago Cubs had a pretty good run at the turn of the century, as well. The 1900s started out just fine.”

Will Leitch, Deadspin.com: “At this point, the adage that ‘David Stern doesn’t want a Spurs-Pistons final’ has become so commonplace as to become tired. But if you live in a world that pretends that Nielsen boxes actually mean anything — because no one’s ever met anyone with a Nielsen box and you could track actual viewing patters using DVR and Tivo, but that would never happen because everyone pretends Nielsen knows what it’s talking about, because without them there is chaos — Stern has good reason to want to see the Spurs go home early. As FanIQ pointed out yesterday, the Spurs have played in three of the lowest rated series since 1982, and last year’s series — which had freaking LeBron in it — was the worst ever.”

MEGAPHONE

“People say, ‘Y’all make me laugh every night.’ That’s what’s important. This is basketball. We’re not going to save the world. When I go on the air, I want people to know I have fun. We got a great job. We get paid to watch sports.”

Charles Barkley, telling the Los Angeles Times about his life as a studio analyst.