The White Sox are never full on Ozzie Guillen’s watch. Recently he delivered another profanity-laced tirade, to the delight of reporters eager to use the word “bleep” in their stories.

Then came news of the team’s blow-up doll incident. It seems some of the fellas, eager to break their hitting slump, brought some plastic companions into the clubhouse to warm up the White Sox bats.

You really don’t want to know how.

“I’m not going to make the players apologize,” Guillen told the Chicago Sun-Times. “I don’t think that was a big deal. It’s our house. I don’t think we did anything wrong and I don’t think we did anything to make people upset. We did something to have fun and stay loose.”

The prank not only failed to warm up the bats, but it also offended some folks. The Party Doll Defense League won’t be happy about this, not one bit.

“Those dolls don’t work . . . Hopefully we come up with something better. We don’t need dolls, we need hits.’’ Guillen said. “Everyone in the clubhouse, 100 percent of the people in the clubhouse, they are 18 years old and that’s a private thing. If the players do it in the dugout so everyone in the public could see it, or did it in the hotel lobby . . . we did it in the clubhouse. A lot of worse things happen in the clubhouse. I don’t really know why people are making it a big deal. If people got their feelings hurt because of that . . . they don’t really know much about baseball.”

MYSTERIES OF THE UNIVERSE

Questions to ponder while poor Chris Duncan tries to pull himself together in left field:

• Will we see Anthony Reyes back in St. Louis any time soon?
• Is Mark Mulder really throwing better than those ugly numbers at Memphis indicate?
• Now that Roger Clemens has issued a vague, half-hearted apology, will anybody get off his back?

TACKLING AN UGLY RUMOR

The Chicago Sun-Times shared this transcript of Miami Heat star Dwyane Wade chatting about his friendship with TV personality Star Jones with the guys at TNT’s “Inside the NBA”. Here is how it went:

Wade: ”Star is an unbelievable woman. We have a great, great relationship. As friends. We’re friends, just like a lot of celebrities. We are friends.”

Kenny Smith: ”Are y’all close friends?”

Wade: ”We’re good friends.”

Smith: ”Are you the kind of friends that drink out of one cup with two straws? Those kind of friends?”

Wade: ”We are friends. That’s all.”

Charles Barkley: ”Good friends?”

Wade, smiling: ”Naw, Chuck.”

Barkley: ”I like Star. She’s a cougar.”

Smith: ”What’s a cougar?”

Barkley: ”Preying on a young Dwyane Wade.”

QUIPS ‘R US

Here is what some of America’s leading sports pundits have been writing:

Greg Cote, Miami Herald: “Let’s play Who Had A Worse Week. Was it Clemens with the revelation he had an affair with a 15-year-old country singer? Brazilian soccer star Ronaldo, for his involvement with cross-dressing prostitutes? Or former gold-medal sprinter Tim Montgomery, who was charged with trying to sell more than 100 grams of heroin?”

Scott Ostler, San Francisco Chronicle: “If Roger Clemens and his wife break up, I bet I know who gets all the Mindy McCready CDs.”

Elliott Harris, Chicago Sun-Times: “Rick Carlisle to coach the Dallas Mavericks? You can’t say the NBA isn’t eco-friendly. Not with recycling like that.”

David Whitley, Orlando Sentinel, on the Magic-Pistons match-up: “They have a history with Detroit, which is sort of like saying Jimmy Hoffa has a history with car trunks. The difference is, we know where the Magic are buried.”

Mike Lupica, New York Daily News: “There’s so much finger-pointing going on in Phoenix about who really wanted Shaq, they’ll be blaming the trade on Sen. McCain next.”

Gene Wojciechowski, ESPN.com: “(Kevin) Garnett and the Celtics could do without another come-to-Jesus series like the one they just had against the Hawks. The Hawks were supposed to be the playoff equivalent of collar dandruff — just brush them away with a flick of the hand — but it didn’t work out that way.”

Dan Daly, Washington Times: “News item: The Buffalo Bills will rake in $78 million over the next five seasons to play eight games in Toronto. Comment: If they win six of them, I’m told, they’ll be eligible for the 2012 CFL playoffs.”

MEGAPHONE

“I mean, I don’t know what we should do in order to make people excited or believe. In 2006, we had a good year, a great year. Last year was a bad year, and we never denied it. People are panicking. Did we play a real bad week? Yes, we did, we stunk. But it wasn’t too long ago that we were, ‘The biggest surprise in baseball. Wow, look at the White Sox.’”

White Sox manager Ozzie Guillen.