The Detroit Red Wings are soaring in the Stanley Cup Finals. The Detroit Pistons are back in the NBA’s Final Four.

And the Detroit Tigers . . . well, they remain massive disappointments this season. Manager Jim Leyland is beside himself.

“I’m embarrassed. We all are,” Leyland told USA Today before his team took out some frustration on the Mariners. “I really can’t believe this is happening, to be honest with you.

“I’m not going to throw any players under the bus, but at the same tine, I’m not going to (josh) them either. You have to tell it like it is.

“And we have played horse (manure). I say we, not them, because I’m responsible.”

“We shouldn’t be getting shut out like this. How this club can be shut out as many times as it has is beyond me.”

Tigers coach Andy Van Slyke had all the answers as a sports talk radio host, so maybe he’ll come up with something useful now. Or maybe not.

MYSTERIES OF THE UNIVERSE

Questions to ponder while wondering if Waffle House Nation would embrace Helio Castroneves’ jump to NASCAR:

• Who could have possibly guessed Mark Mulder would suffer another setback in his shoulder rehab?
• After this season’s tank job, aren’t you glad the Heat didn’t get the first overall pick in the NBA Draft lottery?
• On the other hand, could they really go wrong with either Michael Beasley or Derrick Rose at No. 2?

SHE THROWS LIKE STEVE WALSH

Remember the noodle-armed Rams quarterback? Perhaps this clip of Maria Sharapova throwing a football (thanks to the web site Busted Coverage) will bring back memories.

QUIPS ‘R US

Here is what some of America’s leading sports pundits have been writing:

Bill Simmons, ESPN.com, on Kevin Garnett’s playoff struggles: “Now, Garnett isn’t the only NBA star who has struggled in big moments. Wilt was famous for it. The Mailman choked so many times I once wrote, ‘You know you’re watching ESPN Classic if it’s 2 a.m. and Karl Malone looks like he’s about to throw up.’ David Robinson was an extremely nice guy who played like one in big games. C-Webb passed the basketball like it was a hand grenade in the clutch. Clyde Drexler always seemed like he’d just downed too much caffeine.”

Jeff Schultz, Atlanta Journal-Constitution: “NFL owners are opting out of the Collective Bargaining Agreement early. Because CBAs can be convoluted, confusing and boring, let me bring this down a level everybody that can understand. Owners: Oink.”

Pete McEntegart, SI.com, after Barry Bonds got a 14-count perjury indictment: “Hey, say what you want about the guy, but he can still put up big numbers.”

Norman Chad, syndicated columnist: “The NBA playoffs . . . are two parts ‘Survivor’ and one part ‘The Sopranos.’ The games are intense, layered and sometimes violent. And, indeed, you expect great every time Kobe Bryant or LeBron James or Chris Paul steps onto the floor. In fact, I’ll take 40 days and 40 nights with Ernie Johnson any time over a Final Four weekend with Billy Packer. Heck, March Madness is more myth than magic. It’s the NBA playoffs that are full of shining moments, not the least of which is Charles Barkley’s fabulous dome.”

Jerry Greene, Orlando Sentinel: “I have no problem with the concept of interleague play — but the Royals vs. the Marlins is fundamentally wrong.”

Scott Ostler, San Francisco Chronicle: “In the latest USC scandal, somebody apparently got money and goodies under the table, and O.J. Mayo is the prime suspect. O.J. says it wasn’t him, and he vows to spend the rest of his life searching for the real freeloaders.”

Greg Cote, Miami Herald: “Disgraced Olympic gold medalist Tim Montgomery faces 46 months in jail in a check-fraud scheme. So who do you like for the first pick in your prison fantasy track draft, Montgomery or Marion Jones?”

Steve Rosenbloom, ChicagoSports.com: “Jon Lester beat cancer, won the World Series clincher, and now he throws a no-hitter. I was going to say we should close the polls because the voting for Story of the Year is over, but I have to admit that I still tear up over that college softball story where two players carried an opponent around the bases after the senior hit her first career home run and tore a ligament at first base.”

MEGAPHONE

“For right now, the next year or two, I’m not going to gamble. Just because I can afford to lose money doesn’t mean I should do it.”

Former NBA star Charles Barkley, after repaying a $400,000 casino debt.