The Cubs own Chicago. They just do, despite not winning a World Series in a hundred years.

This drives the South Siders crazy, of course, and gives the White Sox organization an inferiority complex. Just listen to White Sox general manager Ken Williams complain about the Cubs’ mystique:

“It is so different. You might as well build a border, a Great Wall of China on Madison, because we are so different. We might as well be in two different cities. The unfortunate thing for me is it’s a shame that a certain segment of Chicago refused to enjoy a baseball championship being brought to their city. The only thing I can say is, ‘Happy anniversary.’”

Ouch! That salvo prompted Chicago Sun-Times columnist Jay Mariotti to fire back:

“I’d like to think he’s just a pro wrestler at heart, a carnival barker having some fun, a prankster with no malice intended. But when the subject is the Cubs, Ken Williams never has been a good-times guy. He is genuinely bitter about the realities of Chicago baseball classism — Cubs as the blueblooded phenomenon with the national identity and charming shrine, White Sox as the other team that no hotel concierge ever recommends.”

MYSTERIES OF THE UNIVERSE

Questions to ponder while wondering if the Blues will finally locate a power-play quarterback in this draft:

• Won’t it be weird to go to Scottrade Center this season and not see Jamal Mayers?
• Did the Mark Mulder comeback train derail in Memphis Thursday night? Will he have to go back to the drawing board and invent another arm slot?
• Will ditching the “Pacman” moniker really turn around Adam Jones’ life? Shouldn’t he be more concerned about his famously bad judgment?

PLAYING FOR KEEPS

The Feds really, really want to nail Barry Bonds on perjury charges. That will be no easy feat, which is why investigators want to get Bonds’ trainer, Greg Anderson, to roll on him.

To do that, the Internal Revenue Service is targeting Anderson’s wife Nicole Gestas. Perhaps a grand jury investigation of her, focused on tax-related issues, could convince Anderson to turn.

This is just starting to get interesting . . .

THE PERILS OF GAMBLING

Bromoblog (via Deadspin) tells us that Red Sock Kevin Millar lost a NBA bet with teammate Jason Varitek. This explains why he came to bat while Vanilla Ice’s “Ice Ice Baby” blared on the stadium sound system, to the horror of many.

QUIPS ‘R US

Here is what some of America’s leading sports pundits have been writing:

Gwen Knapp, San Francisco Chronicle: “Tiger Woods is an idiot. A mesmerizing, peerless, incandescent idiot. If he’d used his head at all, he would never have entered the U.S. Open last week with a double stress fracture and a torn ligament in his left leg. Woods marched 21 miles over the longest layout in Open history, playing five rounds and 24 hours of spellbinding golf, repeatedly wincing before he could plant a ritual smooch on the side of the coveted trophy Monday afternoon. Then, two days later, he had to kiss the rest of his season goodbye.”

Steve Rosenbloom, ChicagoSports.com: “A woman accused of fighting with strippers and hitting a security guard with a champagne bottle in the Pacman Jones melee in Las Vegas has turned up dead in New York. Her friends and family think she was thrown off an apartment building. So, now we’re talking naked women, an NFL star, shots fired, a dead body, and a lot of money. So, yeah, the NFL Network has programming.”

T.J. Simers, Los Angeles Times, on the Lakers: “Two teams go for the title, and one of them has to lose, but that doesn’t mean getting pulverized and exposed as big softies — the Lakers laying down like whipped dogs.”

Bill Simmons, ESPN.com, raving about Celtics star Paul Pierce: “Ever look at yourself in one of those circular makeup mirrors that women use, the ones that light up and magnify your face so you can see every crevice, whitehead, scratch and scar? That’s what the NBA playoffs do. It’s the circular makeup mirror for basketball players, a big enough stage that we can see every crevice, scratch and scar in their games. And for the most part, that’s what you see in the playoffs, especially in the Finals — you see everything that’s wrong with each player. Sometimes, this works in reverse and the player rises to the occasion and makes you think, ‘Wow, I didn’t realize he was that good,’ or ‘Wow, I’ve never seen him play like this!’ That has been Pierce in the 2008 Finals.”

Dave Barry, Miami Herald: “The Big Tuna is Bill Parcells, who got his nickname from the fact that he breathes through gills and can weigh up to 1,400 pounds. . . . He runs the team from a secret underground bunker furnished entirely with game-worn jockstraps. He is very hard-nosed. He makes Don Shula look like Barry Manilow.”

Jerry Greene, Orlando Sentinel, on Phil Mickelson’s U.S. Open flop: “Phil is Callaway’s top endorser but Callawaygolf.com uses its front page to tell us what’s in Rocco Mediate’s bag after his ‘gutsy, runner-up finish.’ Besides, we all know what wasn’t in Phil’s bag — neither a driver nor a clue.”

Dwight Perry, Seattle Times: “Bengals receiver Chad Johnson, after backing off his trade demands, underwent minor ankle surgery but is expected to be ready for training camp. Apparently he bit a ligament trying to get his foot out of his mouth.”

MEGAPHONE

“It’s going to be tough, but I’m just happy to know that we’re invited to the party. When you’re invited, you dance with a hot chick. You can pull a beautiful one or you can pull one that’s not as good looking. You can either go in the first round and get knocked out or you can go to the championship.”

Kobe Bryant, on the state of the Lakers.