If the Rams can relocate their pulse – admittedly a huge “if” after their 38-3 loss at Philadelphia – they could win some games this season.

That’s because other NFC West teams stink too.

Consider the 49ers. “Mad Mike” Martz was supposed to revive their offense. He installed his Next New Thing, J.T. O’Sullivan, at quarterback. A 16-wheeler hauled his playbook from Detroit to San Francisco.

But the offense proved feckless during a 23-13 loss to the Cardinals at home. San Francisco Chronicle columnist Ray Ratto was unimpressed:

“An NFL team, even a troubled one like the 49ers, has no excuse for putting on such a TiVo-melting performance against a team as perpetually gruesome as Arizona. It speaks to the type of malaise that pep talks and video sessions and spirited practices don’t typically cure.”

The Seahawks absorbed a 34-10 beatdown in Buffalo. Jerry Brewer of the Seattle Times fills us in on Game 1 of the Mike Holmgren Farewell Tour:

“It’s bad enough the Seahawks shattered all their preseason euphoria in three dysfunctional hours. It’s bad enough their special teams played like grade-schoolers at recess, their offense needed pacifiers for the baby receivers, and their defense collapsed while trying to carry this game.

“It’s bad enough this team still can’t run well, or block consistently, or correct its road-game bugaboos. But add to those woes injuries that could severely stunt the Seahawks, and you reckon this was the kind of whuppin’ that could inspire empathy only from a UFC fighter.”

Hopefully these updates help get you through the day . . .

MYSTERIES OF THE UNIVERSE

Questions to ponder while the Rams enjoy an uplifting day of game video review:

• How do Rams fans feel about Kurt Warner’s second life as a Gridbird?
• With Tom Brady eradicated and Peyton Manning looking merely mortal, are fantasy football GMs scrambling to add Jake Delhomme today?
• Now that closer Chris Perez is back on track, can the Cards finally get on a roll?

TURN BACK THE CLOCK

Serena Williams felt giddy after dispatching Jelena Jankovic in the U.S. Open final: “I’m so excited I can’t even describe it,” she said. “I feel so young and I feel so energized.”

Great, Serena, but you’re only 26 years old. You’re plucking gray hairs from your eyebrows.

QUIPS ‘R US

Here is what some of America’s leading sports pundits have been writing:

Gene Wojciechowski, ESPN.com: “Here’s a scenario nobody expected 20 minutes or so into the first Sunday of the 2008 NFL season: The New York Jets, with a quarterback who turns 39 next month and was handed the team’s thigh-pad-thick playbook about five minutes ago, might now be the favorites to win the AFC East. And all because grey-haired Brett Favre jogged off the Dolphin Stadium field in one piece, while 1,459 miles away in Foxboro, Mass., Tom Brady limped off the Gillette Stadium turf with an injured left knee. Brady’s next date won’t be with Gisele, but presumably with the working end of a surgeon’s scalpel.”

Jerry Greene, Orlando Sentinel: “Odd feeling watching Favre after his first TD pass as a Jet. He went into the same running, leaping, stumbling, fist pumping routine that we’ve watched forever. All that was different was the shade of green.”

Dan Daly, Washington Times: “Now that Chad Johnson is done changing his last name to Ocho Cinco, maybe Tatum Bell, the culprit in the Case of the Stolen Samsonite, should change his last name to Bellhop.”

Dwight Perry, Seattle Times: “Warning to future employers: Bell comes with a lot of baggage — and not all of it his.”

Bob Molinaro, Norfolk Virginia-Pilot: “Most of us might need a Google search to turn up his name, but the obvious choice for American League Manager of the Year is old what’s-his-name — Joe Maddon — of the Tampa Bay Rays.”

Greg Cote, Miami Herald: “Fantasy football? Here is my definition of fantasy football: The Detroit Lions making the playoffs.”

TAKE BACK THOSE WORDS

Andy Rooney must feel bad about this now:

MEGAPHONE

“I’ll take an ugly win any day of the week.”

Notre Dame coach Charlie Weis.