If former Buccaneers coach Jon Gruden gets a NFL job next year, expect him to make a run at Florida quarterback Tim Tebow.

In an interview with the Orlando Sentinel, he offered this take on the Giant Gator:

“He’s like Brandon Jacobs playing quarterback. He’s 250 pounds. He’s the strongest human being who’s ever played the position. Ever. He will kick the living [expletive] out of a defensive lineman. He’ll fight anybody. He is rare. Tebow is the kind of guy who could revolutionize the game. He’s the ‘wildcat’ who can throw. Most of the teams that have the wildcat back there, it’s Ronnie Brown, it’s Jerious Norwood, it’s whoever you want to say it is. This guy here is 250 pounds of concrete cyanide, man. And he can throw. He throws well enough at any level to play quarterback.”

That’s great for the spread offense in college, but what about the pro game?

“He can play quarterback in the NFL. When he was a high school senior, they played Armwood in the state championship game. I have tape. He has an 80-yard touchdown run that put them in the lead. When it flipped around, and Armwood had the ball, what position do you think Tebow was playing? He was playing nose guard — and he disrupted about 10 plays. This guy is totally different. He’s got Rich Gannon, Drew Brees, that kind of makeup as a team guy. What he said after the Ole Miss game, I said, ‘That’s my favorite football player I’ve ever seen in my whole life.’ I said, ‘I want Florida to win every game that kid plays from now on.’”

One can imagine “Chuckie” dancing to this song late at night in his home office:

While Gruden takes the year off and studies up on collegiate offensive innovation, Raheem Morris is coaching the Buccaneers in his place. And he has no spot for veteran quarterback Jeff Garcia – something the Rams management team must consider.

HAVING FUN WITH A-ROD

CBS funnyman David Letterman offered his “Top Ten Messages Left On Alex Rodriguez’s Answering Machine.”

This is a pretty funny list, definitely worth a peek.

ONE-UPPING KURT WARNER

America loves it when athletes come back from the professional grave to win big. So America will love Stump, a 10-year-old Sussex spaniel that won best on show at the Westminster Kennel Club show at Madison Square Garden.

This dog retired from competition in 2004 and survived a near-fatal illness before making his unlikely comeback. In human years, he is nearly 70 years old.

Handler Scott Sommer decided to give the dog one last shot at glory.

“He hasn’t slowed down a bit,” Sommer told the Associated Press. “I thought it would be fun.”

Against all odds, the dog won.

“Can you believe that?” gushed New York Yankees president Randy Levine, a regular at Westminster events.

Stump will retire for good now because because performing at dog shows can really take its toll.

MYSTERIES OF THE UNIVERSE

Questions to ponder while wondering if Mizzou can keep rolling toward a nice NCAA seed:

• Will Manny Legace give Adam Kennedy a call to commiserate?
• How could the Blues’ defense fold up like a card table Tuesday night at Scottrade Center?
• Does this team want to spend the rest of eternity in 15th place?

QUIPS ‘R US

Here is what some of America’s leading sports pundits have been writing:

Scott Ostler, San Francisco Chronicle: “Among the revelations in the new book about the Yankees, co-authored by Joe Torre: Madonna and A-Rod fought when she asked him if they could adopt Derek Jeter . . . A-Rod wanted the team to switch to horizontal pinstripes, to make his chest look broader . . . Pitchers relieving David Wells frequently complained that he had eaten the resin bag.”

Greg Cote, Miami Herald: “Coach Lane Kiffin, fired by the Raiders and now at Tennessee, didn’t take long to embarrass the Vols — he was rebuked by the Southeastern Conference for erroneously calling Florida coach Urban Meyer a cheater. The worst part? It makes Al Davis look like less of an idiot.”

Dan Daly, Washington Times: “Here’s hoping Michael Phelps turns out to be a One-Hit Wonder. Still, the fallout from his inhalations has been substantial. USA Swimming has suspended him for three months for conduct unbecoming a 14-time gold medalist, and Kellogg is dropping its endorsement deal with him. It’s the biggest scandal for the cereal maker since Tony the Tiger tested positive for human growth hormone.”

Elliott Harris, Chicago Sun-Times: “Soccer star David Beckham wants to leave the Los Angeles Galaxy to play for AC Milan in Italy on a permanent basis. So much for Becks and wife Victoria taking America by storm. More like a burst of hot air.”

Steve Rosenbloom, Chicago Tribune.com: “Fessing up was about the only way that A-Rod could handle things. This was his best shot at forgiveness. This was the move to look human. Problem was, his over-orchestrated performance in February came off about as well as so many of his underwhelming Octobers. So, now what? Here’s what: Whatever boos you heard when Barry Bonds came to bat with that oversized head will be worse when A-Rod comes to bat in every visiting park. Exponentially worse.”

CRUSHING THE CARDINALS

The unrest in Cardinal Nation is growing. Before spring training even started, the team lost half its infield. Troy Glaus belatedly opted for shoulder surgery that will cost him the first month of the season.

And John Mozeliak finally got around to jettisoning Kennedy, per Tony La Russa’s insistence. Suddenly Joe Thurston and Skip Schumaker are fighting for the second-base gig while fans wonder why the team let Aaron Miles walk

The analysts at Baseball Prospectus fueled the fire by projecting an 80-82 finish for the Cards and third place in the NL Central. Ouch!

MEGAPHONE

“I remember when Mike Holmgren left Green Bay, they were killing him. I remember when Bill Walsh left, what Joe (Montana) said about him. So this happens. When you’re the head coach, you coach 53 people, and their wives and their girlfriends and their families and all those people. So I’m not going to worry about it. Yeah, I’m disappointed that I’m a ’scumbag’ and that I couldn’t get along with the quarterback (when) I live my life through the quarterback.”

Gruden, on getting crushed by Simeon Rice and some other players after the Buccaneers fired him.

ELSEWHERE ON STLTODAY

Your cyber-correspondent pondered the big-picture impact of Missouri’s victory over Kansas Monday night. And Hockey Guy weighed in after Tuesday night’s dreary Blues game.