Sad news from the Chicago Tribune:

It served more as a giver than a taker, and now that orange Gatorade dispenser in the Cubs’ dugout will be retired before it could be beaten into submission.

“It was tough while it lasted,” Reed Johnson said. “We’re only two months into the season, and it’s been through a lot already.

“And it was still spitting out juice.”

But Sunday was its final day. When the Cubs return from their road trip June 12, the old water dispenser will be in that coveted spot next to the steps leading into the clubhouse tunnel.

Why? Both Ryan Dempster and Carlo Zambrano have beaten the spiffy dispenser in fits of rage. So now it is hobbling off into retirement.

“It would have been more entertaining [to keep it], that’s for sure,” Dempster told the Tribune. “I’m going to miss it. It’s part of our team. I gave it a big hug.”

MYSTERIES OF THE UNIVERSE

Questions to ponder while the Cardinals scour the major leagues for another third baseman:

• When you flail away helplessly against Mike Lincoln on a Monday night at Busch Stadium, is that the ultimate cry for help?
• How will our old friend Jacques Martin handle the pressure of coaching in Montreal?
• It’s great to see Dave Checketts show an interest in buying the Rams, but shouldn’t he make sure the Blues have ample long-range capital first?
• Did anybody really think the NHL would suspend Penguins superstar Evgeni Malkin for instigating a last-minute fight?
• When will these new SEC coaches learn the NCAA rulebook?
• Then again, given the lunatic nature of SEC fans, how can coaches NOT push the envelope? Do these people just grow up crazy about football?
• When the NHL playoffs end, will Versus switch its focus to cheese rolling?

PILING ON LEBRON JAMES

It’s no fun getting knocked out of the playoffs.

CHEATING OR COMPETING?

Sports Illustrated asked Danica Patrick if she would use performance-enhancing drugs IF she would get away with it and IF it would help her win the Indy 500.

“Well, then it’s not cheating, is it? If nobody finds out?” she said.

That was a refreshingly honest answer. Then she elaborated.

“Yeah, it would be like finding a gray area,” she said. “In motorsports, we work in the gray areas a lot. You’re trying to find where the holes are in the rule book.”

Of course, the anti-doping community roundly criticized Patrick for her candor – forcing her to slam her PR vehicle into reverse.

“It was a bad joke,” she told USA Today. “There is a lot of sensitivity in our culture about (performance-enhancing drugs). With all the baseball stuff, I’ve followed it and this is a real problem. It’s a shame kids think they have to do this to get ahead. It’s very dangerous.”

QUIPS ‘R US

Here is what some of America’s leading sports pundits have been writing:

Greg Cote, Miami Herald: “Disgraced former Yankee and now locally living Jim Leyritz, awaiting trial on charges of DUI vehicular manslaughter, was going to be an honoree at the minor-league Newark (N.J.) Bears’ ‘Legends Sunday’ promotion this weekend before the Bears caved to protests. Two possibilities here: Either the guy in Newark in charge of ‘Legends Sunday’ doesn’t keep up with current events, or O.J. Simpson was busy.”

Scott Ostler, San Francisco Chronicle: “Jose Canseco, ever since he took that flyball off the noggin, just hasn’t been right. In his latest adventure, Canseco was knocked out in a mixed martial arts match, in 77 seconds. He had longer home run trots.”

Jay Mariotti, Fanhouse, on the Derrick Rose academic scandal: “The fallout is wicked in multiple directions. It impacts our perception of Rose, whose potential Hall of Fame career now is marred by the indelible smudge of academic fraud. It casts aspersions on the already suspicious doings of former Memphis coach John Calipari, who may become known as the first coach ever to vacate two Final Four appearances and who knew of the in-house and NCAA investigations for 2 1/2 months when he bolted for Kentucky in April. It makes me wonder why Kentucky, a program scarred by scandal in the past, was so quick to hire Calipari while claiming to have known about the probe and apparently sneaking it past some of the school’s trustees. And how many high schools are participating in altering the grades of athletes?”

Bill Simmons, ESPN.com: “The NBA’s failure to develop a new generation of decent referees might be its single biggest misfire of the past 20 years. You can’t tell me that someone in their mid-50s or older has the same eyesight and reaction time as people 20-30 years younger. I can’t think of another profession that works quite this way: No accountability, no repercussions, nothing. Whenever they make a crucial mistake — such as all three refs missing J.R. Smith’s jump ball violation that helped decide Game 2 last week — the league invariably pulls its Frank Drebin routine and stands in front of a burning warehouse with fireworks exploding.”

MEGAPHONE

“I’m here to compete, based on who I’ve been my whole life, I’ve never lost.”

New 49ers cornerback Dre’ Bly.

ELSEWHERE ON STLTODAY

Hockey Guy talked about the success of the Red Wings, the reassignment of Stars GM Brett Hull and other stuff.

The Blues could learn a lot from the success of the Red Wings, by the way.

How can St. Louis keep the Rams? By rebuilding its once-bustling economy.

Monday’s live chat brought much hand-wringing about the looming Rams sale and the ongoing Cardinals slump.

Yes, John Mozeliak is ready to make a deal to help the Cards offense.