Why are the Brewers struggling? Blame the starting pitching.

After all, that’s what outfielder Ryan Braun does. Cubs pitcher Ted Lilly out-pitched somebody named Mike Burns Sunday.

“Their starting pitching is a lot better than ours,” Braun told reporters after the Brewers succumbed 8-2. “They threw the ball a lot better than our starters did. They certainly swung the bats better than we did. Clearly they were the better team. It’s nice to get the one win but they clearly outplayed us and outperformed us all series.”

Braun begged management to fix the problem. Where is C.C. Sabathia when the Brewers really need him?

“No matter who is in there, we have to find a way to throw the ball better for us to have success,” Braun said. “I think when you’re constantly behind in games, it’s not easy and it’s not fun. Their starting pitcher was clearly better than ours this series.”

MICHAEL VICK + JIM HASLETT = UFL Title?

Former Rams coach Jim Haslett doesn’t shy away from challenges. That is why his Orlando team in the fledgling UFL acquired the rights to ex-con Michael Vick.

NFL commissioner Roger Goodell is likely to suspend Vick for the coming NFL season. So the UFL, scheduled to play Thursday nights this fall, is throwing down the welcome mat for him.

So says The Associated Press.

“I don’t know if the NFL will suspend Vick,” said Dennis Green, coach of the San Francisco team and the chairman of the UFL’s competition committee. “What he did was very wrong, and he paid his debt to society. He was a model inmate, otherwise he never would have made it out from prison early.

“Now he has to show he loves the game and is a responsible citizen. You can’t show you love the game if you’re not able to play the game. So if Michael Vick were to say, ‘I will play for not a lot of money,’ well, hello. We’re here.

“If he is not allowed back into the NFL and he wants to show he is a model citizen and he loves the game, there is not a better situation for him.”

The potential for promotional nights and mascot tie-ins are endless with Vick. America is all about turning negatives into a positive, so Tipsheet is eager to see this play out.

MYSTERIES OF THE UNIVERSE

Questions to ponder while wondering how the Cardinals scored 10 times Sunday without a single Albert Pujols RBI:

• Will Chris Carpenter become the next pitcher to win the Cy Young Award after failing to make the All-Star Game?
• On the other hand, it is possible to win a Cy Young Award with such a cheesy mustache?
• Why, again, did Colby Rasmus play only part-time during the first half of the season? Which of the other outfielders is having a better season?
• Was Shaquille O’Neal sending his new boss a message by using this visual prop during his introductory news conference?
• Could these guys lead the Pirates out of last place some day?
• What is more patriotic than a hot dog eating contest?
• Are there some special skills that even the best scouts overlook before the NFL Draft?

TIGER WOODS WELCOMES YOUNG FANS

The world’s best golfer is also a savvy marketer. As host of the AT&T National, held at the Congressional Country Club in Bethesda, Md., he wanted kids under 12 to get in free.

Why?

“We don’t want to have what happened at Yankee Stadium,” Woods said Friday, according to ESPN.com. “Tickets are so overpriced that you can’t bring the family. We want to have everyone come out and enjoy being in a family atmosphere, walk around, have a good time and not have it cost an arm and a leg.”

Good host that he is, Tiger also made sure he put on a good show by winning the event. Nice.

QUIPS ‘R US

Here is what some of America’s leading sports pundits have been writing:

Scott Ostler, San Francisco 49ers: “It’s brilliant what the Lakers pulled off in essentially swapping Trevor Ariza for Ron Artest. But it’s not risk-free. Artest is a time bomb attached to about 12 alarm clocks. He and Kobe Bryant will get along beautifully - as long as they practice in separate gyms.”

Greg Cote, Miami Herald: “What a battle Saturday! Did you see it? A highly anticipated duel, full of high drama, with athleticism at its finest and major championship at stake. Serena Williams against Venus Williams for the Wimbledon women’s title? Well, that, too, I suppose. Now that you mention it. But I meant rival gastronomical legends Joey Chestnut against Takeru Kobayashi for the Nathan’s Hot Dog Eating Championship on Coney Island. I haven’t seen dogs disappear that fast since Michael Vick was burying the losers before he got busted.”

(Chestnut’s emergence as an elite eater is one of our favorite sports stories. Many have tried to climb that mountain . . . and many have failed.)

Greg Couch, FanHouse, on Serena’s Wimbledon title: “She is the best, biggest, strongest women’s player ever. But she’s too caught up in enjoying her celebrity, and doesn’t commit to the game unless she’s playing for the Big Kahuna. Put more into the majors, fine. But at least try the rest of the time. Imagine Serena in shape and committed. She would have everything that sells in women’s tennis: talent, looks, smarts and lots and lots of victories. Instead, she isn’t even ranked No. 1.”

Dwight Perry, Seattle Times: “Phoenix Mercury star Diana Taurasi was cited for drunken driving at 2:30 a.m. Thursday, just a few hours after being credited with 25 points and four blocks in a win over Seattle. On the bright side, WNBA spinmeisters say, the league is now just a steroid scandal, a dogfighting conviction and a maternity suit shy of hitting the big time.”

Mike Lupica, New York Daily News: “Compared to Manny Ramirez, (Alex) Rodriguez looks like the greatest truth teller of all time. The female fertility drug that Ramirez is accused of taking is what guys who have been using hardcore steroids take, but now he just wants to smile and shrug and just say that mistakes are made, that he just left his homework on the school bus. You know what else? Manny is already getting over with this. The ballpark in San Diego was full of cheering Dodgers fans on Friday night. The Dodgers have a great chance to win it all and Ramirez is supposed to help them do it and people don’t want to know what they don’t want to know. So he gets by with one of those Sports Apologies for Dummies.”

MEGAPHONE

“Steve was an absolute warrior as a player and brought that mind-set to the team. Whether he was hurt or not, he was going to give us everything he had. He was the toughest player that I ever played with . . .The thing I will always remember about him was whether it was a good or bad on the field, the whole team — both offense and defense — believed he would lead us to victory if we could just get the ball in his hands at the end of the game.”

Former Titans safety Blaine Bishop, on late Titans quarterback Steve McNair.

ELSEWHERE ON STLTODAY.COM

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