Sadly, Tipsheet does not get HBO at the home office. So we missed former Mizzou star Chase Coffman getting a rough ride in Bengals training camp on the “Hard Knocks” show.

As the Dayton Daily News notes, Coffman was featured getting  “Gomer Pyle-type treatment for his share of rookie mistakes.”

In this case, the role Sergeant Carter was played by Bengals tight ends coach Jon Hayes, the former Chief. (You can find video evidence of this abuse on You Tube, but it includes a bit of NSFW language.)

Cincinnati needs the third-round pick to contribute immediately because Reggie Kelley (Achilles tendon tear) and Ben Utecht (concussion) are sidelined. Coffman’s challenge is moving from a wide out position in Mizzou’s spread offense to a true tight end role, lined up next to a tackle.

In college, he had to block in space. In the NFL, he must line up nose-to-nose against a defensive end or linebacker and block for real.

Learning to do this has been a process.

“It’s too bad that those guys went down with injuries,” Coffman told the Daily News. “You hate to see that but at the same time you have to be prepared to step up and fill the spot. For me, it’s an opportunity to get more and more reps. Being in there has helped me progress and gives me an opportunity to start doing things a lot quicker than I expected. Now I just have to step up and make plays.

“I’ve been waiting for this opportunity all my life and now it is here. I’m ready to step into this role and to perform the way I know how. I know I still have a long way to go, but I am prepared to make that next step and perform.”

Well, we’ll see what happens. Cincinnati hasn’t had a whole lot go right since the Sam Wyche Era, so fans are understandably skeptical.

DEATH OF THE SMALL BEARS

Life just keeps getting worse for the Cubs. In their latest misadventure, Carlos Zambrano came off the disabled list to suffer a 15-6 loss to the woeful Nationals.

Chicago is 8-14 this month. They are nine games behind the Cards and sinking fast.

“We’ve had a rough August,” manager Lou Piniella told the Chicago Tribune. “What can I say?”

We dunno . . . maybe, “Come on guys, play better”?

“There are days you can’t buy a hit, and days you can’t get an out,” Cubs outfielder Milton Bradley told the Tribune. “There’s been a lot more of those days the last month on both sides — the offense and pitching. That’s baseball.”

No, that’s Cubs baseball.

MYSTERIES OF THE UNIVERSE

Questions to ponder while wondering how Wandy Rodriguez cast magical spell on Cardinals hitters:

• Will former Nebraska running backs Lawrence Phillips and Thunder Collins become prison pen pals?
• This clip answers the question, “How could you make MLS more popular in this country?” What’’s not to like about flying drop kicks?
• Will the Brett Favre Goat from yesterday’s Tipsheet find a happy home?

DRUG CHEAT OF WEEK

From the New Orleans Times-Picayune:

As expected, New Orleans Saints kicker Garrett Hartley has been suspended without pay for the first four games of the regular season for violating the NFL’s policy on performance enhancing substances, league officials announced moments ago. Hartley, 23, has admitted to using a banned stimulus called Adderall to keep him alert during a late night drive from Dallas to New Orleans during the spring.

NFL fans are resting easier knowing this scofflaw has been busted.

QUIPS ‘R US

Here is what some of America’s leading sports pundits have been writing:

Steve Rosenbloom, Chicago Tribune.com: “Cheer all you want about a new Cubs owner, but listen, the worst thing about a Cubs fan owning the team is that he might be so used to the ‘Lovable Loser’ tripe and the coddling environment that he might not know how to execute a simple plan: Boot, meet butt. Yeah, the Ricketts family made millions by making everybody accountable at Ameritrade. But that was the dad’s doing. The kid might just be a Cubs jock-sniffer with the most money.”

Greg Cote, Miami Herald: “Good lord but does any owner in any professional sport love celebrity and like to align himself with it more than the Dolphins’ Stephen Ross? At least Ross’ shenanigans and the football side have been kept separate. Well, I mean other than plans for Serena and Venus (Williams) both to quarterback one series for the Dolphins at Tampa Bay Thursday night.”

Greg Couch, FanHouse: “Women’s golf keeps waiting for The Big Moment and . . .  Hello? Are you still there? Did I lose you already, with those first two words? Women’s golf? Well, picture this: Michelle Wie playing great, smiling, laughing, waving an American flag, out of her shell. A packed house, a record crowd, with fans chanting and singing to the players, and an electric finish. It all happened Sunday, as the U.S. team beat the European team 16-12 to retain the Solheim Cup. It was everything women’s golf could ask for, could pray for. But it was not The Big Moment. That’s too much to ask. No singular moment can create a spark here.”

Mark Kriegel, FoxSports.com: “Most amazing stat of the season: 39,151. Despite a spectacularly disappointing campaign and an ongoing depression, that’s the Mets’ average home attendance. In other words, at Citi Field prices, the Wilpons are doing to their fans what Bernie Madoff did to them.”

Dan Bickley, Arizona Republic: “Heads up, LeBron James. Your new teammate doesn’t really care about you. He doesn’t really care about the good folk of Cleveland, most of whom are starving for a championship and too blinded by stardust to see what’s coming. Beware. Shaquille O’Neal is no longer Superman. He’s a guy riding on someone else’s cape, stealing someone else’s idea, taking someone else’s credit. Along the way, he’s playing the country for a bunch of fools.”

Gregg Easterbrook, ESPN.com: “Who had the third-ranked offense in the NFL last season? Not plodding Houston! Yes, the Texans. Statistically, the Houston offense was red-hot: 37 touchdowns, almost 3,000 yards gained between Andre Johnson and Steve Slaton, 6 yards per play, good stats everywhere you look. So how come the team finished just 8-8? They are the Houston Texans, that’s why! The NFL’s least interesting team. The Texans are so unexciting that even a statistically impressive season was monotonous.”

Mike Bianchi, Orlando Sentinel: “Need a ticket for the season opener between Florida State and Miami in Tallahassee? No problem. Plenty of good sections available. Sadly, there are reportedly thousands of unsold seats for this rivalry game that used to be a sure sellout for  both schools. And, please, don’t try to hang this on disloyal, fair weather fans.This isn’t on the fans for not supporting their teams; it’s on the schools for not supporting their fans.”

MEGAPHONE

“There are probably some more obvious positions where guys are further along than others. This is a ground zero start here, and we’re trying to get everybody on the same page and thinking the right way and thinking team first and individual second. We’ll see how that plays out.”

New Chiefs coach Todd Haley, telling the Kansas City Star that nobody on his team has won a roster spot yet.