David Ortiz’s Saturday news conference didn’t play to great reviews. Critics didn’t sense much contrition in comments like these:

“I definitely was a little bit careless back in those days when I was buying supplements and vitamins over the counter — legal supplements, legal vitamins over the counter — but I never buy steroids or use steroids. I never thought that buying supplements and vitamins, it was going to hurt anybody’s feelings.”

Here is how some of our favorite scribes responded to that:

Gordon Edes, Yahoo! Sports: “You’re just going to have to take Ortiz’s word for it, because he doesn’t have access to the information that could restore his good name, and well, if there was a bad batch of steroids or supplements he took along the way, he couldn’t possibly tell you which one because he doesn’t even know what he tested for, and besides he was buying the stuff over the counter in the Dominican and in this country, companies were sending him stuff and he didn’t study too many labels, the way you might expect a highly trained, multi-million dollar athlete to do.”

Jay Mariotti, FanHouse.com: “That lying little puppet, Pinocchio, has more credibility than MLB, the players union and the stars of the Steroids Era. How appalling that they take more than a week to make sure their stories are straight, then try to sugarcoat what continues to fester as the longest-running and most damaging scandal in American sports history. What we needed from Ortiz and the union were real answers. Instead, they gave us more spin and b.s. I’d like to believe the lovable, popular Big Papi when he says it’s all about vitamins and supplements, when he points out that he has tested negative 15 times the last five years, when he sits before reporters with that kind, sincere voice and doesn’t read from a prepared sheet of paper. But sorry, I simply can’t believe him or anybody else from the era, not when the vast majority of steroids-related smoke has erupted into raging fires.”

Ken Rosenthal, FoxSports.com: “If that’s all it was, fine. But if it later is revealed that Ortiz used the harder stuff in more methodical fashion, well, he will be just another inductee into the Hall of Liars.”

Howard Bryant, ESPN.com: “To date, only two active players — Jason Giambi and Alex Rodriguez – have admitted they used the real stuff, the good, hard-core stuff, the kind of drugs that build muscle and help you hit home runs. No misunderstandings, no tainted supplements, no question marks. The rest of the baseball world, even though it is clear the culture of PED use was/is rampant, still hides behind the wall.”

BUT REMEMBER THIS:

Most ballplayers use weight training to build up their bodies and improve their production. Training supplements are key to that process.

KNUCKLEHEAD CRIME OF WEEK

From The Associated Press:

Chicago Blackhawks forward Patrick Kane, the top overall pick in the 2007 NHL draft, was arrested early Sunday morning in Buffalo, N.Y., and charged with robbery and other counts following an altercation with a cab driver in his hometown.

The 20-year-old Kane and his cousin, James M. Kane, 21, were taken into police custody at about 5 a.m. ET after allegedly punching the driver and taking $15 in fare they had given him after he said he didn’t have 20 cents in change, a police report says. Police say the cousins apparently caught a cab from the city’s downtown nightclub district at about 4 a.m. Sunday.

They wanted 20 cents back? Really?

MYSTERIES OF THE UNIVERSE

Questions to ponder while Todd Wellemeyer prepares to rejoin the starting rotation after his short vacation:

• If the Pirates had to play the Cards today, what would Albert Pujols have done to them?
• Isn’t it nice to see Khalil Greene earning his playoff share with some clutch hitting?
• Will Cardinal Nation welcome Scott Rolen back home with a warm embrace?
• How were the Red Sox able to make such a favorable deal for Victor Martinez?
• With Donnie Avery down, is Billy Devaney feeling better about his Ronald Curry pick-up?

PAPER FOOTBALL LEAGUE: FIGHT TO THE DEATH

This gets pretty messy. You might want to wait until after breakfast.

Here is what some of America’s leading sports pundits have been writing:

Jim Caple, ESPN.com: “It must absolutely suck to be a Pirates fan. Red Sox and Yankees fans brag about what great and loyal fans they are. Well, I’d like to see how well they would support their team if it went 17 years without a winning season — that’s a record, by the way — and traded off all its best players every other season. Pittsburgh has the best ballpark in the majors, but it would be nice if it was worth going there for something other than the Primanti Bros. sandwiches, the Pierogi races and the skyline view.”

Mike Bianchi, Orlando Sentinel: “Miami Dolphins Stadium has been renamed after a beer and is now known as Land Shark Stadium. The way Tampa Bay’s quarterback situation looks for this season, I think the Bucs should also play in a venue named after an alcoholic beverage: Kamikaze Stadium.”

Scott Ostler, San Francisco Chronicle: “LenDale White, Titans’ running back, claims he lost 30 pounds simply by laying off Patron tequila. But now White isn’t sure whether he actually lost weight or suddenly was able to read the scale correctly.”

Dan Daly, Washington Times: “In San Diego, the Chargers fined Antonio Cromartie $2,500 for complaining on Twitter about the ‘nasty’ training camp food. Oh, great. The guy doesn’t like what he’s being fed, and now the team wants him to eat his words.”

MEGAPHONE

“If I see someone hit my player — and I know they hit him on purpose — it’s two guys going down. I don’t care if I get suspended, I rather have me suspended for two games than have my players on the DL for 30 days.”

Perpetually angry White Sox manager Ozzie Guillen.