It’s not the Oscars. Not even the Golden Globes. And nobody’s forcing me to watch these red carpet shows preceding the SAG Awards. But even though I’m a little awards-show starved, I have some gripes, and some advice.

Stars, don’t chew gum when you arrive at an awards show. Maybe suck a Tic-tac, but don’t smack gum. Cameras are on you. It’s disgusting.

Arrivals, hang up your cell phone when you get out of the car. I know you’re SO important and SO popular that you have to talk at all times. You’re probably making a big deal, not just chatting with your BFF. But again, cameras are on you, and talking on the phone when you can’t really hear and are trying to get through a crowd causes you to grimace and squint and make funny faces. Even in your super-expensive outfits, you look silly. And this means you, too, America Ferrera.

Networks, networks, networks. Aren’t there people somewhere, coast to coast or possibly in foreign countries, who can conduct red carpet interviews without acting sounding like complete idiots? I know Ryan Seacrest called in sick on E! Past evidence, though, is that he would not have been much of an improvement over the dreaded Debbie Matenopoulos and Giuliana DePandi Rancic (newly wed to “Apprentice” Bill Rancic). Ladies, it’s not about you. Nobody needs to know what size Spanx you’re wearing. There’s no need to touch the nominees or ask them to expose their backsides. Lisa Rinna was only a smidge better on the TV Guide Channel.  I suppose the people who hired them told them to “have fun.” I have some advice for next time: Don’t have quite so much fun. And remember to tell us who you’re interviewing, who they’re with and — here’s a thought — why they’re there.