Here it is, my live, minute by minute account of the “Idol” finale. Didn’t watch? I guarantee you’ll feel as if you were there — torture, tedium and all.

***

Mmm, cheesy. A lot of the production gimmicks this season on “Idol” have felt as if they were cooked up by a middle-age dork, including Tuesday night’s extended, painful boxing metaphor. But the “what does it look like…?” opening for the finale, with the Davids in all white — as if dead, or spouses in a same-sex wedding — is just silly.

Ryan Seacrest touts “our incredible vote,” adding, “97 and a half million votes came in. You didn’t just break the record for the show, you smashed it by over 23 million.” (I’m thinking that’s because there were more phone lines this time. But whatever.) Now, to an important bit of info. “One David received 56 percent of the vote. The other David, 44 percent.”  That is not close. What does it say about which one won? Did the tween turnout favor David A.? Or did the judges’ slams on David C. Tuesday night bring out the vote for him?

***

Ah, more cheese. As much as Simon likes to rant against performances that remind him of bad karaoke, Las Vegas lounge acts and wedding/cruise ship bands, what is the production number — by the final 12, all in white, right down to the go-go boots — but a number from a theme park variety show, or something you’d see on a bargain-price cruise ship? Whew; finally over.

After the commercial, the Davids sing, alone and together. They sound flat to me. I take the opportunity to browse and learn that the song is apparently “Hero,” by Nickleback. Now, if anybody wondered how the 1-minute announcement of the winner would take up two hours, Fox inserts a long, long, long plug for the movie “Love Guru.” Didn’t want to see it before; really don’t want to see it now.

Syesha sings, joined by Seal. I recognize him immediately, of course, because he’s Mr. Heidi Klum. Nice. Then, after a break, Jason Castro gets to reprise ”Hallelulah.” (My favorite performance of his from the season, but I’m inclined to like all versions of this Leonard Cohen song.) It occurs to me that this must be what the “Idol” tour is like, without having to actually, well, attend. And with the blessed ability to fast forward.

***

The “two stars of the stage tonight” have changed clothes again. I think this black look is the best for both of them. Oh, sweet — they both get Ford Escape hybrids. I know this is a Ford plug, but still — sweet.

I’m really finding these production numbers annoying, Donna Summer or not. Luckily, I’m way behind by now, so I can speed ahead. (OK, I’ll pause for Michael Johns. You went too soon, Michael.)

Not sure why Jimmy Kimmel is here; he’s on another network. But he adds a very welcome bit of acid to the evening with a monologue celebrating “the culmination of 19 weeks of karaoke singing.” Paula, he says,  ”sees the positive in performances no one else sees. In fact, sometimes she sees performances no one else sees.” And he wonders what Simon’s parents, “Rosemary and Satan Cowell,” must think about his rude comments. Kimmel’s funniest bit sets Simon’s rudest remarks to music. At this point, Jimmy Kimmel is my new American idol.

***

The final six men introduce Bryan Adams. The producers were keeping the guest lineup secret, but they have a good turnout, minus (so far) all the rumored performers. But we still have 72 minutes to go, and I wonder how all the tweenyboppers are enjoying the, er, more mature acts.

David Cook sings with ZZ Top; that should be fun for him. At least I hope it is. He has often seemed very melancholy about the whole “Idol” experience. In fact, when he gave a little smile earlier tonight, I wasn’t sure I’d ever seen it before.

After Graham Nash, with an extraneous Brooke White, we get some boy band, cute kids, not sure who they are — no, SERIOUSLY, it’s the Jonas Brothers. The mosh pit comes alive. The high-pitched shrieks are deafening.

Bad auditioners recapped, return. Not listening. Not. Listening. FF, FF, FF. Jordin Sparks sings. I’d actually forgotten she’s the current American Idol. Ben Stiller, Jack Black and Robert Downey Jr. as “Pips” with Gladys Knight. Bizarre. But give it to Jack Black; he always has a good time, wherever and whenever.

Speaking of bizarre, Carrie Underwood (I thought it was Paris Hilton at first) has on an off-white tuxedo jacket and, er, nothing else? And her wrists are connected across the back by one of those sheer scarves people used to loop over the top of draperies. She looks very pretty nonetheless.

***

One last performance by the Top 12. FF, FF, FF. Then, as rumored, George Michael. I wonder how many of those out front know who George Michael is. In big aviator sunglasses, he seems creepy, and his song (kicking off his first American tour in 17 years, Ryan tell us) is way too over the top for me, although it seems to have moved Paula to tears.  Wonder what she’s hearing.

All righty then, it’s 8:53. After the next set of commercials, they’d better announce the winner or the whole bloated thing is going to run over again and cut off the crucial part for people who recorded it. Now it’s 8:57, and Ryan says, “We are live with the results.” But first, final thoughts from the judges. EEK! I hadn’t really noticed Randy in the ringmaster suit until now. What possessed him? Simon admits that after watching Tuesday night’s final performances again, “It wasn’t quite so clear-cut as we called it.”  He apologizes to David C. for verging on being disrespectful. And “for the first time ever, I don’t really care who wins.”

The envelope, please.

And the winner, by 12 million votes, is David Cook!

Cheers. And if you recorded it, your tape/DVR cuts off now. You don’t see the cheering crowds in Kansas City, or David C. looking serious, applauding David A. and then starting to cry. (Is that Camryn Manheim in the audience, cheering her lungs out?) He says thank you. His family joins him on stage.

As he sings the winning song from the competition, the final 12 gather around to congratulate him. Confetti falls. In the audience, his brother mouths to the camera, “That’s my brother!” A very touching moment — unless you’re an Archie fan. In that case, sorry.