Sorry; I’m not live from the Red Carpet. But Ryan Seacrest is, and Giuliana DiPandi (on E!), and Joey Fatone and Lisa Rinna (on the TV Guide Channel). My only challenge is to click around and catch the good arrivals. Speaking of which: Seacrest just pulled out the “Star Tracker” to point to Angela Kinsey from “The Office.” “Wait till the big movie stars arrive,” he apologized. (Ooh, sorry.) This year’s question, on both channels, is “who would you most like to meet?” Nobody has yet said Jesus, Abraham Lincoln or Gandhi.

For the last few years, coverage of awards show pre-shows has included tons of bells and whistles and razzmatazz, keeping the coverage lively even when nobody “big” has yet arrived. The TV Guide Channel and E! spiit the screen into four or five or six shots (who do they think they are, “24″?) to show arrivals and interviews and crowd shots all at the same time. Unfortunately, they often don’t ID the pictures, and isnT it insulting to the person being interviewed to be squeezed down to a tiny box so they can show somebody more important? And it’s hard to see the clothes (which after all is the point) when they jump around so much — and that puts too much focus on the inane interviews.

“Such an honor to meet you in the flesh,” Lisa Rinna tells Tom Brokaw. “You’re very handsome.”

“You’ve been naked several times on ‘True Blood,’” Giuliana Rancic tells Stephen Moyer. “Did you have that in your contract?” Then she grabs him to show him an exercise for his backside. Careful; he’s a vampire, isn’t he?

“Are you going to be sitting down tonight and having a few drinks?” Joey Fatone asks Tracy Morgan, who’s had very public problems with substance abuse. “I haven’t had a drink in a year!” Tracy snaps in mock (maybe) indignation.

And the persistent questions about Heath Ledger seem excessive as Red Carpet chatter. “I completely understand everyone wanting to ask about him,” Maggie Gyllenhall tells Ryan Seacrest. “It’s hard, though, in this kind of situation, with lights and everybody screaming, to talk about a friend who died.”

“I can’t even remember the nominees, to be honest,” Hayden Panettiere says when Seacrest asks her who’ll win in the category she’s presenting, best actor in a drama. She thinks “It should be somebody from my show (’Heroes’), but that’s not happening.” Seacrest gives her the bum’s rush to bring in the Jonas Brothers (et tu, Ryan?) and then shoves them off (to tween screams in living rooms everywhere) in favor of Miley Cyrus.

You know who’s really big, though. Seacrest left his platform to chase Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie. “Brad? Brad? Angelia?” He had to go to break while tracking them down. Meanwhile, Giuliana volunteers to Ed Helms and John Krakowski from “The Office” that she reads three books a month but resolved to read more. And when Ryan returns — he’s failed. Failed! They were really rushing to get in, he explains.

Ten minutes till the ceremony starts and I just realized I failed to watch any of the “official” pre-show on NBC. So I switch over and they’re in commercial. A long, long series of commercials. Seriously: 5 minutes of commercials. Now they’re back and Salma Hayek can’t hear Nancy O’Dell’s questions. She should just answer something random.Too late; more commercials.

Back to cable, where things are winding down. “You’re very soft-spoken,” Joey Fatone tells America Ferrera. “I’m sorry,” she responds.

So the preshow is over. A few people, including Heidi Klum and Seal and Tom Hanks and Rita Wilson, are running late. “People don’t understand how crazy it gets,” Fatone says. Rinna responds, “Well, I’m crazy anyway, so it’s no biggie for me.” She didn’t really say that, but she might have.

On to the ceremony….