Moviegoers will know in the first five minutes whether the new B-movie "Machete" is their cup of tea — or bucket of blood.

Its opening sequence features beheadings, impalings, dismemberments, nudity and the startling revelation of a well-hidden cell phone that can't be discussed in a family newspaper.

And if that's not enough, there's unshapely Steven Seagal as a dastardly villain.

All of this comes from the twisted mind of director Robert Rodriguez, in Quentin Tarantino mode with the instant "Mexploitation" classic "Machete." The film features a killer thrown-together cast from Don Johnson (billed as "Introducing Don Johnson") to Jessica Alba to Robert De Niro.

Later on, Lindsay Lohan is introduced as a druggie mess in her first scene, she has a threesome with her mother and she dons a nun's habit.

The plot, such as it is, revolves around our "hero" Machete (character actor Danny Trejo), a Mexican federale whose loved ones are killed by drug lord Torrez (Seagal). Years pass, and Machete works as a day laborer, called into duty to assassinate crooked Sen. McLaughlin (DeNiro), whose method of ending illegal immigration includes shooting Mexicans dead as they cross the border.

Machete shows up with his high-power rifle as scheduled but quickly learns he has been double-crossed and goes on the run.

Among those he encounters: shady businessman Booth (Jeff Fahey); Sartana (Jessica Alba), an immigration agent who comes to Machete's aid; and Luz (Michelle Rodriguez), a revolutionary fighter who looks great in leather. Machete's brother Padre (Cheech Marin) is in the mix, as well as a priest who is anything but holy.

It's all just an excuse to pile on violent set piece after violent set piece, staged with grotesque comic glee, often with Machete's namesake weapon.

"Machete" makes no apologies for its absurdities or silliness, making it an over-the-top thrill ride.