'The River,' 8-10 tonight on ABC
Two and a half stars
Make no mistake. "The River" is out to scare you. The cameras shake and tremble. Every time something can jump out at you, it will.
You won't be surprised to hear that "The River" was created by Oren Peli, writer-director of "Paranormal Activity." As in those movies, we're asked to believe this "really happened," that the footage we're seeing was somehow recorded under the most dire circumstances.
In this case, the dire circumstances are these:
Dr. Emmet Cole (Bruce Greenwood), a scientist and explorer who for 22 years starred in a TV series called "The Undiscovered Country," disappeared, deep in the Amazon. After six months, even his family gave up on him, but now his location beacon has gone off.
Cole's wife, Tess (Leslie Hope), insists on heading off to find him. She ropes in their son, Lincoln (Joe Anderson), a whiny, stringy-haired brat with a volatile temper and a heart of gold (he's a budding doctor, and we get to see him putting a bandage on a child). His potential love interest is Lena Landry (Eloise Mumford), daughter of a cameraman who disappeared with Cole.
So the rescue mission is on, and the TV crew goes along, on the clock, with their cameras constantly rolling. Pulling their strings is producer Clark (Paul Blackthorne), who's turning the search into a reality show.
As the search team finds the beacon, and then Cole's ship, the Magus, it turns out that his catch phrase -- "There is magic out there" -- didn't just mean the magic of nature. Cole was deeply caught up in the mysteries of the Amazon, determined to learn all about tribal lore, omens, superstitions and Things we can't possibly Understand.
I'm not the biggest fan of the horror genre, although I love "The Walking Dead" and "American Horror Story." But after watching both the hours that air tonight (the first of them twice), I find "The River" to be a slow slog through a ridiculous plot, with unappealing characters (except for Hope) and tired camera tricks. Even the exotic setting is wasted as scenes alternate between hand-held camera footage and what looks like security-cam tapes. The series is also heavily subtitled, if that bothers you.
There are real scares, and you'll certainly jump in your seat. On the other hand, who knows if such a dense plot will ever be sorted out?
Trying to decide? Let me give you just a few lines:
* "It doesn't want us to leave. It has tasted blood. It wants more."
* "It's killed half the crew.... What is this place? It's trying to kill us."
* "Physics breaks down and reality gets so much ... bigger. I have to see it."
* "I'm going to trap it. It wants blood."
* "No! We need it! It can tell us...."
If "The River" still sounds appealing, enjoy. But don't blame me if you find yourself up some creek or other without a paddle.
