Dear Abby • My son "Clay" has been married for seven years. There are times I like to discuss things of a personal nature with him having to do with our family, and I have asked him not to mention our talks with his wife.

The problem is whatever he tells her, she repeats to her family. I do not want our personal problems to be known by everyone.

My other son has no trouble keeping our talks just between us, but Clay says he and his wife have "no secrets" from each other. Is it OK to ask a married son not to divulge things to a spouse that have nothing to do with her? — Confidentially in St. Louis

Dear Confidentially • It's OK to ask; it's also OK to say no. When Clay married his wife, she became part of your family. Now that you know your son keeps no secrets from his wife, and that she leaks like a sieve, the better part of wisdom would be to stop confiding in him. Don't you think?

Dear Abby • I was surprised and dismayed by your advice to "Hubby in Purr- gatory." Apparently, "Hubby" has grown annoyed with his wife's preoccupation with her two cats.

Whatever blocks to closeness have been created for this couple are not likely to be removed by his demanding affection and threatening infidelity — even in jest. (Re: your comment, "He may adopt a 'kitten' of his own.") People turn to excessive engagement with animals because animals provide warmth in easy, reliable ways. Spouses would often do well to watch what animals give and offer the same things — especially uncritical pleasure. At the least, you could have suggested "Hubby" open a dialogue with his wife about why she chooses the cats' company and what he can do to be equally appealing. — Julie In Richmond, Va., Clinical Psychologist

Dear Julie • I'm sorry you were dismayed. If you read "Hubby's" letter again you will see that he tried "opening a dialogue" with his wife and got nowhere. She has infantilized the cats, which she calls her "babies," to assuage her anxiety after her sons moved out.

What I was trying to convey was that when a spouse (of either sex, by the way) feels ignored, unappreciated, unloved or unimportant, it is not uncommon for him or her to seek validation elsewhere.

Write Dear Abby at www.DearAbby.com or P.O. Box 69440, Los Angeles, Calif. 90069.