New parents are often given lots of advice to help prepare them for the arrival of their child. Some of it is great. Most of it is unsolicited, unneeded and sometimes downright dangerous.

"Thank you, Uncle Larry, for that advice, but I really don't think a tired baby just needs a shot of Jack Daniels to go to sleep. Here, take your bottle back."

Whether it's octogenarians giving you recipes for homemade colic cures (throw it away if it starts with, "I think this main ingredient is illegal now but...") or first-year nursing students trying to contradict your pediatrician ("I don't care if he's got 30 years' experience, I just got a B+ in Clinical Microbiology. If I say she has consumption, she has consumption!") there is always plenty of advice to take with a smile and then completely ignore.

And here's some more.

I put this forth for all first-time fathers so they know what to expect: All fathers alone with their child are moments away from killing them. People have no qualms about walking up and telling a father alone with his child exactly what he is doing wrong. Sometimes you aren't even sure what you are "doing wrong," although they may just mean child rearing in general. It gets to the point that you want to wipe the smug little look off their face as they try to redress your child or insinuate your child is sick or malnourished because he's skinny (He nurses, Lady! He's not a chunky, formula-fed kid. He's a perfectly healthy 6-month old! And now at 5 years old, most people think he's 7). I think these same "do gooders" would think twice before doing the same to a mom. But with a man, it's OK. How do you deal with this crazy person? I would tell you how I did it, but my lawyers have asked me to not comment until all litigation has been settled.

How much do children cost? Every cent you make: This little gem I got from my father-in-law. If you have one child and are wondering if you can afford another, the answer just may be "Yes." That second (or third or fifth) child will not put you in the poor house; the first one already took care of it. And the same goes for your time (this is the part I added to my in-law's advice): One child takes up just as much time as three or four — all of it.

Your well-organized home isn't anymore: Your home has a place for everything and everything in it's place. Well, it will until your own Bits start to loco-mote: down from the shelves comes books, CDs (if you still have those archaic mementos from a bygone era; we have nearly 1,000) will be spread throughout the house and little knickknacks had better be up on the highest shelf in the house or they will be broken and/or eaten the second you turn your back (choking hazards taste awesome, any kid will tell you).

You have no idea how much ketchup a small child can eat. No, really, you have no idea.

There you go, more advice to add to the great mounds of advice every new parent gets. Oh, just one more thing: no matter what current parents may say to future parents, we have no idea what we are doing. Every parent is different, and every child is different. Everyone just wings it and hopes for the best. Good luck and make sure to stock on ketchup the next time you're at the store.