Good morning, ladies and gentleman of the Missouri General Assembly. It is my pleasure — and an honor — to introduce Gov. Jay Nixon, who intends to give a second State of the State address. Last week's address was for public consumption. This morning's is the real deal. Please give a Show-Me welcome to Gov. Jeremiah "Jay" Nixon!

(Muted applause. Sen. Jason Crowell makes flatulence sounds into his microphone.)

"Good morning. Or maybe it's not so good. Let's be honest. You can't count on the weather in this state. This time of year, we might go through three seasons a day, and none of them are summer. Yet we're supposed to compete with places that are warm and sunny all year?

"But that's what we're trying to do. Our economic development team is working with our marketing team to identify our strengths and build on them.

"Our number one strength? We have the lowest cigarette tax in the country!"

(Wild applause. Sen. Crowell makes siren sounds into his microphone.)

"By the way, the smoking lamp is lit. Smoke 'em if you got 'em!"

(More applause and siren sounds.)

"Our economic development team is working to identify companies with CEOs who smoke. Once those companies are identified, we'll be contacting the CEOs. We'll point out that a heavy smoker can save hundreds of dollars a year in our state.

"Our marketing team is working with our friends in Washington ..."

(Boos, hisses and flatulence sounds.)

"No, no. Hear me out. Our marketing people are trying to get permission to place a Missouri logo next to the warning labels on packs of cigarettes. Right after 'Smoking can cause lung cancer and emphysema,' we'll have our logo!"

(Applause, siren sounds.)

"As part of that same campaign, we're thinking of dropping the 'Show Me' slogan in favor of 'Cheap Smokes.' That has a ring, doesn't it? 'Missouri, the Cheap Smokes state.' "

(Applause, siren sounds.)

"Maybe we'll make the Dirt Cheap Bird our state mascot. I'm sure some of the do-gooders will criticize me, but what part of 'Cheap, Cheap, Fun, Fun' don't they get?"

(Applause, siren sounds, some chanting, "Cheap, Cheap, Fun, Fun.")

"Our tourism people will also be targeting smokers. We'll soon unveil an entire campaign aimed at getting smokers to vacation in Missouri.

"In that same vein, we're going to try to grow our state by getting smokers to move here. But we'll be looking for a certain kind of smoker — a healthy smoker.

"That's because we're cutting Medicaid again!"

(Wild applause, siren sounds.)

"I don't know about you, but I'm sick of people expecting the taxpayers to provide their health insurance."

(Uneasy mumbling, half-hearted flatulence sounds.)

"Present company excluded, that is!"

(Wild applause, siren sounds.)

"Speaking of cuts, I'd like to talk about higher education. If you follow higher education in this state, you already know that Mizzou has joined the Southeastern Conference. We're in the SEC!"

(Deafening applause, siren sounds. As the applause finally dies down, a few legislators start singing "Dixie.")

"I want to be perfectly clear about this. We face some financial challenges, but I have assured Coach Gary Pinkel that the football budget will not be cut. It will be raised! Significantly!"

(Wild applause, siren sounds.)

"The same goes for Coach Frank Haith and his basketball team! And isn't Coach Haith doing a fantastic job!"

(Applause and siren sounds.)

"Of course, less vital parts of the university will face severe cuts. Academics, for instance. In these difficult times, we can no longer afford to throw money at math and science and engineering.

"And journalism. Does anybody think we really need more journalists?"

(Boos, hisses, very strong flatulence sounds.)

"I'd like to mention a book I read recently ..."

(Boos, hisses, flatulence sounds.)

"No. Please. Hear me out. I didn't read the book itself, but I read the title. The title was, 'All I Really Need to Know I Learned in Kindergarten.' I thought to myself, 'If this man is so smart that he can write books, and he admits that everything he needed to know he learned in kindergarten, why are we spending so much money on post-kindergarten education?'

"Maybe that is something to look at in next year's budget. For now, though, I just want to say thanks for the great job you're doing. You are the reason the state of the state is strong."

(Wild applause, siren sounds.)