Terrell Owens' first task with his new team was learning to spell Cincinnati. He struggled with that while tweeting about his signing with the Bengals.
His followers had to correct him.
“Okayyyyyy I got it now, 2 n's & 1 t! CINCINNATI!! LOL!” he tweeted.
The rest of the orientation seemed to go quite well. Fellow Bengals newcomer Antonio Bryant yielded his No. 81 to T.O. without incident.
“I'm a realist,” Bryant told reporters. “I said, 'Hey, man, I'm not going to make no big spectacle about it. You've got a bigger legacy and a number than I do. I've been on several teams like you, but I've changed my number several times. You've had the same number.
“I don't need your money. All I want you to do is take care of one of my little league programs in Miami. Send them a small donation and we'll go from there.”
Done and done. Wearing No. 81, Owens was a happy man during his first practice session with the Bengals.
“I think this team is special,” he said. “I really feel that there is something around the corner for this team. With me being here, (it) has really created a buzz. I think the guys feel the energy.”
Buzz is one word for it. Quarterback Carson Palmer had another.
“It's a circus,” Palmer said. “Him and Chad, them being them. It's funny. I was laughing.”
Get back to us after about Week 10 and see if everybody is still yukking it up.
CBSSports.com columnist Gregg Doyel wondered what sort of spectacle we’ll see this year:
“Maybe Terrell Owens and Chad Ochocinco will get along, maybe they won't. Maybe like the kindred spirits they say they are, they'll lead the Cincinnati Bengals to the Super Bowl -- or maybe, like the self-centered scorpions they really are, they'll stab each other in the back and leave behind a 6-10 husk of a 2010 season.
“Maybe none of that is the point. The point is, how can a fan of the Bengals be a fan of the Bengals? How do you still do it? How?
“Go down the list of the biggest idiots in the NFL, criminal and non-criminal division. In recent years, that list would have to include Pacman Jones (now a Bengal), Tank Johnson (Bengal), Cedric Benson (Bengal) and Matt Jones (Bengal). That's the criminal division. The idiot list would also include Terrell Owens (now a Bengal), Chad Ochocinco (Bengal) and Antonio Bryant (Bengal). That's the non-criminal division. Biggest character risk in the 2010 NFL Draft? Probably Carlos Dunlap, the Florida defensive end who was arrested on DUI charges five days before the SEC title game. Who drafted him in April? You know who drafted him. The Bengals drafted him.
“This, Cincinnati, is your team. These, Bengals fans, are your players.”
THE TROUBLE WITH J.D. DREW
At the opposite end of the animation spectrum is former Cardinals outfielder J.D. Drew, who quietly plies his trade for the Red Sox.
ESPN.com columnist Bill Simmons marveled at his stoicism:
“On Tuesday night in Anaheim, with a teetering Red Sox season threatening to crumble, J.D. Drew saved Boston fans from another episode of ‘Papelbon, P.U.’ by walloping a timely double. The ball bounced off the right-field wall toward Bobby Abreu, who reacted to the carom like a ghost was clubbing him from behind with a two-by-four. Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh! (Didn't we create the DH position for guys like Abreu? I'm almost positive we did.) Two runs scored, Boston's eighth-inning lead expanded to three and when the TV crew cut to the obligatory shot of Drew pumping his fist at second base ...
“Oh, wait . . . I forgot. J.D. Drew never does things like that.
“He stood there impassively, handsome as always, looking the same way he always does, like the guy whose at-bat music should be Lady Gaga's 'Poker Face.' If NESN launched a game show called "Guess What J.D. Just Did?" in which contestants guessed based off his expressions -- did Drew just hit a game-saving double, take a called third strike, hit into a double play, win the lottery or find out he was going to jail? -- nobody would ever win. Really, he's the perfect player for the post-2007 Red Sox regime: someone who plays hard, looks good statistically, does everything either "pretty well" or better and leaves you cold. He used to have me screaming obscenities every time he took a called third strike in a big moment. Now I get him. There are no big moments for Drew. He approaches every game, every inning and every at-bat exactly the same. Expecting him to own that Anaheim moment just wasn't realistic.”
MYSTERIES OF THE UNIVERSE
Questions to ponder while waiting for somebody besides Jon Jay to take charge for the Cardinals:
Can Phillies fans forgive their team for trading Cliff Lee now that Roy Oswalt is coming to town? Or are they still frustrated by the mindless shuffling of players?
What kind of lunatic wears a LeBron James Heat jersey to baseball game in Cleveland?
Did this guy have a death wish?
Why does ESPN feel it has to tip-toe around the LeBron James camp? Was that part of the deal to get that horrific prime-time special?
Isn't it a bit soon for the Stephen Strasburg bandwagon to clear out?
On the other hand, are Nationals fans ready to rally around Miss Iowa?
Do you get the idea that Texas A&M objects to the University of Texas running the Big 12 (Minus Two) Conference?
THE OSWALT DOMINO FALLS
Here is what some of our favorite scribes wrote about that:
Jeff Passan, Yahoo! Sports: “The Philadelphia Phillies are like starlets obsessed with plastic surgery. They tweak here, tinker there and hope to hell they don’t turn out like Heidi Montag. They underwent their third major procedure in the past six months Thursday. While the acquisition of Roy Oswalt is mere liposuction to the perfect nose job (getting Roy Halladay) and botched facelift (shipping out Cliff Lee for peanuts), it personifies an organization that runs itself in a most unconventional fashion.”
Jayson Stark, ESPN.com: “One thing we know about the Phillies is: They sure can corner the market on ‘Roys.’ Apparently, Roy Hobbs, Roy Smalley, Brandon Roy and Siegfried & Roy were all unavailable this week. So instead, the Phillies traded for Roy Oswalt on Thursday. And now they'd love to assume that just pairing him with Roy Halladay will be enough to restart the engines on their October Express. But will it? Not everyone is so sure.”
Jeff Schultz, Atlanta Journal-Constitution: “The acquisition of Oswalt doesn’t guarantee Philly will overtake the Braves in the National League East. But it’s a significant and aggressive move by a three-time defending division champion, one that should mandate a response by Braves’ management. General manager Frank Wren said the other day he was uncertain if the team needed to make a move before Saturday’s non-waiver traded deadline, but can there be any doubt now?”
MEGAPHONE
“Toronto is different. For one, it's a different country. If you don't know you're in a different country when you land then something is wrong with your senses. That's not to say that Toronto is not a great metropolitan city. It is a fantastic city. Different is not bad. I'm different. That doesn't make me bad.”
Former Raptors forward Chris Bosh, on life in the Great White North.
ELSEWHERE ON STLTODAY.COM
The D.J. King trade was good for the Blues and good for D.J.
