Dear Annie — Seven years ago, my mother had a stroke. She recovered quite well physically, but has never been the same mentally. My aunts wanted to put her in a nursing home, but my sister and I decided to assume responsibility for her. The plan was that Mom would spend six months with me and six months with my sister.

Somehow, my sister's turn never came, and seven years later, my mother still lives with me. The entire time she's been here, family members have never visited, but they will often drive to my sister's home — three miles away — to visit Mom when she is there. They send invitations to family events addressed to my mother at my house and to my sister at hers, but exclude me.

I am totally burnt out with the medical appointments, medications, meals and arrangements that are involved in being a caregiver. I know there are support groups, and I've taken advantage of respite care. The most my sister will do is help out with one doctor's appointment and then withdraw, claiming she can't do anymore.

I am resentful of the respect my sister gets from the family when they invite her to functions along with my mother, but don't include me. How do I change my situation?

You need to be more assertive about your needs. It's possible your relatives think you need a break and this is why they invite Mom alone, so tell them this is not acceptable. Then say you are hurt and insulted when you are excluded from family gatherings. You also have allowed your sister to avoid her obligations. Set up a schedule so she knows when she is responsible for taking Mom to an appointment, and if she refuses, ask her to contribute financially so you can hire someone to do the things she is unwilling to do.



Dear Annie — I am 17 years old. The problem is my mom. She does not like my girlfriend, "Taylor." She says Taylor is too young and immature. Taylor is 15 and very sweet and kind. She's never done anything to make my mom dislike her.

Mom still likes my ex-girlfriend. She has said, "I can't find anything to like in Taylor." But that's because she doesn't want to. Her attitude really hurts me.

As much as we don't care for your mother's dismissive attitude, we have to agree that Taylor is a little young for you right now. Seventeen-year-old boys can get into a great deal of trouble with 15-year-old girls, and you would be wise to wait until she is 16. Other than that, however, your mother may have developed an attachment to your old girlfriend and is reluctant to let her go. Give it time.



Annie's Mailbox is written by Kathy Mitchell and Marcy Sugar, longtime editors of the Ann Landers column. E-mail your questions to anniesmailbox@comcast.net, or write to: Annie's Mailbox, P.O. Box 118190, Chicago, Ill.