Q) Our children expect a lot by way of holiday gifts. My husband always wants to please them. "It's only money," he says. I know we're spoiling them. What should I do?

A) First, get your husband on the same page as you. Start by asking what makes it so important to please them at any cost. There could be any number of reasons, and you need to have his reasons out in the open so that you – and he – can examine and deal with them.

Some parents spoil children because they don't want them to be angry or disappointed. Some parents like to give what their parents were unable to give them. Others feel guilt about something – like not spending enough time with a child – and use gifts to compensate.

Listen carefully to what he says. Ask what he thinks about the validity of his reasons before arguing against them yourself. Ask questions like these: Is what we spend excessive? How does it affect the children? Are you happy with the results?

After you've listened carefully, explain your concerns about the values you may be unwittingly communicating, as well as about the expense. You want to raise children with generosity of spirit, not children who expect an abundance of material things.

Propose a limit on gift-giving. Suggest ways that you can teach your children to value giving to others. Schedule community service. Arrange for them to earn money to donate to agencies that serve those in need. They can rake leaves, wrap packages, shovel snow or clean the garage to earn money to contribute to nonprofit agencies. Offer to match their gifts with ones of your own.

Explain to your children how things are going to change and why. Giving them less doesn't mean you love them any less. Work as a team explaining your values and expectations clearly.

Q) The pressure just keeps building. There's too much to do. My husband tries, but I end up being responsible for everything – gifts, guests, meals, everything. This year I really want it to be different. What can I do?

A) Start by cutting down your To-Do list to what's reasonable. Forget ideal. Forget heroic. To do this, you've got to set aside any guilt you might have over not doing everything you think is expected of you or not doing everything as well as you expect of yourself. That's got to come first. Sometimes enough is enough, and good enough is good enough. Make this your mantra. Repeat it often. Believe it. Talk to your husband about it.

Remind yourself that taking care of yourself must be a top priority. Your moods set the tone for the entire family. Your stress becomes their stress. So, for everyone's sake, your first priority needs to be taking care of yourself. Ask your husband to remind you of your commitment to yourself daily if not more often.

Only when you are convinced of this will you be ready to sort out your priorities. Start with Thanksgiving and make a list of all the tasks you have set for yourself. Identify those that are most stressful, and brainstorm about options. What can be eliminated completely? What can be scaled back or delegated? Don't just enlist your husband. Give him tasks, encouragement, reminders and thanks.

And finally, make sure you get plenty of exercise. There's nothing better than physical activity to take the edge off stress.

Dennis O'Brien, MA, LCSW, is an experienced educator and therapist who writes educational materials for the Washington University School of Medicine Department of Psychiatry.