You know things aren't going well when an opponent's 1-5 record makes you an underdog. Such is life for the 0-7 Rams, who have lost 17 consecutive games over two seasons, who have won only five of their last 34, and who are redefining the term "futile franchise" for St. Louis.

If the hapless Horns don't turn the tide at Detroit, they will be halfway to matching the Lions' unprecedented 0-16 record of last season and eight games shy of Tampa Bay's NFL record 26-game losing streak.

Will this team be the NFL's "Biggest Loser?" Is it the worst team in the history of St. Louis sports?

Time will tell. Keep in mind, this town is no stranger to piteous performance. When it comes to such dubious distinction, St. Louis can throw down with three simple words: "Only the Browns."

Since misery loves company, perhaps now is an appropriate time to consider what kind of company the Rams are keeping. Restricting Mr. Peabody's WABAC machine to 75 years, here is a nostalgic look behind at our five other "Most Feeble Franchises."


The 1939 St. Louis Browns (43-111)

"First in shoes, first in booze and last in the American League," the Browns might be the quintessential quagmire of American sports, a team whose ineffectual history became culturally significant. Selecting a "worst" season for the Browns is like selecting a worst moment for John Daly, there are so many to choose from.

The team played 52 major league seasons here (1902-1953), sharing a ballpark with the Cardinals for 33 of those years. During that half-century-plus of AL ball, the Browns lost 100 or more games eight times, finished last 11 times, next to last 12 times and in the second division 41 times.

Out of money and out of gimmicks, the team was sold and moved to Baltimore in 1954. To show it was nothing personal, the Brownies finished 54-100 in their final St. Louis season, and 54-100 in their first Baltimore season. You can't teach that.

From 1937-39, the team finished a combined 144-316, or 172 games under .500. During the same three-season segment, it went through five managers and drew a grand total of 362,697 customers. But if we must, we'll spotlight the 1939 club, which lost a franchise record 111 games, finishing 64.5 games out of first.

That team's pitching staff allowed 1,033 runs, 739 walks and owned a collective earned-run average of 6.01. Fifty-seven years would pass before another staff — the 1996 Detroit Tigers — cracked the 6.00 ERA barrier.

That said, the '39 Browns roster did include a future star in rookie Johnny Berardino. The second baseman eventually turned to acting and became known as Dr. Steve Hardy on General Hospital, successfully transitioning from a season devoid of drama to television daytime drama.


The 1978 Cardinals (69-93)

If you want to go way back, there have been worse teams record-wise in franchise history. But this club had the worst winning percentage (.426) since the 1919 Cardinals finished 54-83 for a .394 mark. That's a 59-year gap, and that's a winner!

Besides, the '78 Cardinals have to be among the most perplexing squads in franchise history, when you consider seven of eight regulars — Keith Hernandez, Garry Templeton, Ken Reitz, George Hendrick, Lou Brock, Jerry Morales and Ted Simmons — had All-Star Games experience in their careers.

Moreover, the starting rotation included two Cy Young Award winners in John Denny (1983 NL) and Pete Vuckovich (1982 AL), a 20-game winner and two-time no-hit pitcher in Bob Forsch, and another hurler (Silvio Martinez) who was good enough to win 15 games the following season,

But the Cardinals never cooked. Nearing the end of his Hall of Fame career, a 39-year-old Brock batted .221 with 17 steals and just 31 runs. Acquired in a trade to succeed Brock, Morales was a bust with a .239 average and just four homers.

Hernandez would bat .344 and share an MVP Award the following season, but he simmered at .255 in the Summer of '78. Even the switch-hitting Simmons, seven times a .300 hitter, settled for .280 and a team best 80 RBIs. The Cardinals had the fewest walks (420), the lowest on-base percentage (.303) and the fewest sacrifice bunts in the NL.

Most importantly, the Class of '78 never found a bullpen. Acquired from Kansas City in exchange for Al Hrabosky, Cape Girardeau, Mo., native Mark Littell had just 11 saves and the group was last in the league with 22 saves overall. The team was 16-32 in one-run games.

Embattled skipper Vern Rapp was fired after just 17 games, replaced by interim Jack Kroll, succeeded by former MVP Ken Boyer. It didn't matter, as the club finished 21 games out of first and eighth among the 12 NL teams in attendance (1,278,215). Among those to outdraw the Cardinals was the Montreal Expos, if you can fathom that.


The 1978-79 St. Louis Blues (18-50-12)

Like their 1978 Cardinals counterparts, this team doesn't look that bad on the surface. It featured three players with 30-or-more goals, including Brian Sutter (41), Bernie Federko (31) and Garry Unger (30), while Wayne Babych chipped in 27 more.

But there was more than one piece of the puzzle missing, as coach Barclay Plager's squad thought "finishing your checks" was something you did at the breakfast table. The game was more offensive 30 years ago, but the negligent Note was outscored by nearly 100 goals (348-249) while allowing the most goals in the league. By comparison, last season's Blues team allowed 233 biscuits.

The Blues gave up five or more goals in 34 games, lost by three goals or more 27 times and won one of their last 13. The team's plus-minus ratings looked more like arctic weather patterns. Unger finished at a mind-numbing minus-44, and not a single name on the roster wound up on the plus side of the ledger.

Fair to say goaltending was not a strong suit, as Phil Myre and "Steady" Eddie Staniowski shared billing and the blame, each playing in 39 games. That said, a defense corps that leaned on Larry Giroux and Bob Stewart for heavy minutes was not among the most accomplished. The team's top blueliner, carding a minus-42, was Barry Gibbs.

And now it's all right ... it's OK,

We can look the other way,

We can try to understand,

How you got beat once again.

Sorry, that's Barry Gibbs, not Barry Gibb.


The 1975-76 Spirits of St. Louis (35-49)

Where have you gone Eugene Kennedy, our nation turns its lonely eyes to you, "Goo, Goo, Goo."

Technically, the 1961-62 NBA St. Louis Hawks (29-51) had a poorer basketball record, but that team, which played in the NBA Finals, had complications beyond its control. But any discussion of sports pathos in St. Louis must include the Spirits.

With names like "Fly" Williams, Steve "Snapper" Jones, "Movin Marvin" Barnes and the aforementioned "Goo" Kennedy, the American Basketball Association came and went quickly, lasting only two seasons. But if the team lacked longevity, it was rich in lunacy and lackluster basketball.

The freest Spirit of them all was Barnes, who once bolted the team and was found playing pool in Dayton, Ohio, when he was supposed to be playing the New York Nets. The 1974-75 Spirits actually won fewer games (32), but that team provided excitement by upsetting Julius Erving and the defending champion Nets in the playoffs. The Spirits had finished 26 games behind the Nets and lost all 11 regular season games between the two.

The magic did not carry over, however, which is what made the '75-'76 season especially disappointing. Despite additions like M.L. Carr, Don Chaney, Ron Boone, Moses Malone and Caldwell Jones, the dysfunctional 1975-76 Spirits finished 25 games out of first and four games out of a playoff berth. By season's end, they were playing to crowds of 400 in the 18,000-seat Checkerdome.

The most enduring piece of the Spirits story might be the media associated with the team. Nationally renowned broadcaster Bob Costas was the radio play-by-play man, while Hall of Fame baseball writer Rick Hummel covered the beat for this paper.

Costas fondly recalls a return trip from Louisville during the team's first season. As players and others sat waiting at the airport, Barnes looked over Costas' shoulder to read the trip itinerary, which listed a TWA flight to depart Louisville at 8 a.m. and arrive in St. Louis at 7:57 a.m.

Oblivious to the change in time zones, a startled Barnes declared to Costas, "I don't know about you, but I ain't boarding no time machine."


The 1986 Football Cardinals (4-11-1)

Poor Gene Stallings. After 14 successful years as an assistant with Dallas, he accepted Bill Bidwill's offer to be head coach in St. Louis. He tried for four seasons, endured the move to Arizona and compiled a 23-34-1 record before finding football happiness at Alabama.

As mentioned, our current NFL franchise has surpassed anything the previous entry did when it comes to atrocity. But Stallings' first Big Red team — and St. Louis' second to last — gave the Rams something to shoot at, finishing last in the NFL in offense (453 points) and 21st among 28 teams in defense.

The team's performance before it ever took the field in 1986 is worth noting, as well. The Cardinals selected fifth overall in the April NFL draft. With player personnel guru George Boone calling the shots, they nabbed linebacker Anthony Bell with their first pick, placekicker John Lee with the second pick, center Gene Chilton third, defensive back Carl Carter fourth and defensive end Jeff Tupper fifth.

With a "war room" like that, who needs enemies?

As always the "Little Smear" had bright spots. Stump Mitchell rushed for 800 yards and a 4.6 average. J.T. Smith caught 80 passes. Vai Sikahema returned two punts for touchdowns in a victory over Tampa Bay, including a 71-yard job. On defense, Al Baker had 10.5 sacks — matching the number Anthony Bell would have in his entire NFL career.

Quarterback Neil Lomax completed 57 percent of his passes, but had a modest 13 TD tosses and a modest average of 5.5 yards per completion. After nearly taking the Cardinals to the playoffs in 1984, Lomax was sliding, and injuries to receivers Roy Green and Pat Tilly didn't help.

At one point, Stallings turned to "Slingin'" Cliff Stoudt for inspiration. But Stoudt was to the interception (20 career starts, 43 career interceptions) what Claude Monet was to Impressionism. After two games, Lomax was reinstated.

The defense featured "game breakers" like Niko Noga, Charlie Baker, Cedric Mack, David Galloway, Lionel Washington and Bob Clasby. Between the overrated Lee and Eric Schubert, the kicking game was disastrous, converting 11 of 24 field-goal attempts. A .458 average is mighty fine if you're batting cleanup, not so good if you're placing kicks. In Week 14, Schubert missed a 37-yard attempt in overtime that saddled the team with a 10-10 tie at Philadelphia. .

Two of the four wins came against Tampa Bay, which finished 2-14. Toss in the Cardinals' 2-3 preseason record — bolstered by yet another win over Tampa Bay — and these '86ers were 6-14-1 overall.

Looking back, you could say it was almost Rams-like.