The Cardinals’ magical season ended with a thud. But the glow of the first-place finish and the brilliance of the records set still remain with us.
In other words, now is the time to cash in. Get ready for Cards players to start selling.
Willie McGee sold chocolate chip cookies. Matt Carpenter sold salsa and cereal, though the cereal is best forgotten. Stan Musial sold prime rib at his Stan Musial and Biggie’s restaurant.
Even Lou Brock had a red pop called Brocca Pop and a small umbrella worn on the head called a Brockabrella.
What could the current crop of Cardinals sell?
We humbly offer a few ideas:
Albert Pujols — Home runs and RBIs. It’s not like he doesn’t have plenty to spare.
People are also reading…
Lars Nootbaar — Vowels.
Yadier Molina — How do you get to be the best catcher since Johnny Bench? It’s got to be the tattoos. Molina Press-On Tats would be a big seller, with temporary neck tattoos a likely item for deep discounts.
Ryan Helsley — For Cardinals fans who tend to drive too fast, a Ryan Helsley Speed Regulator will keep you from getting arrested by sounding an alarm whenever your car tops 100 mph.
Adam Wainwright — Fountain of Youth pills. Think of them as a vitamin supplement, like Geritol, but hipper.
Nolan Arenado — Industrial lubricant. It’s not the sexiest of products, but it’s appropriate because he’s so slick at third base.
Alec Burleson — The Alec Burleson Textbook Exchange would be a highly lucrative business for someone who was in college (Go Pirates!) just two years ago.
Tyler O’Neill — Anyone into body building or strength training would race to purchase an O’Neill Oh, No! Universal Gym. Because, seriously, dude: Have you seen him? The man can bench press 435 pounds.
Tommy Edman — The team leader in stolen bases could put his expertise to use by selling theft prevention devices.
Juan Yepez — Scrabble dictionaries (his last name alone is worth 19 points).
Jordan Hicks — The hard-throwing righthander serves a steady diet of heat and smoke, making him a natural to sell barbecue rub.
Steven Matz — You will walk into a room with extra cachet when you have first wiped your feet on Steven Door Matz.
Corey Dickerson — People who do a lot of traveling will crave a set of sturdy luggage from a man who has played for Colorado, Tampa Bay, Pittsburgh, Miami, Toronto and St. Louis — so far — and still gets timely hits (Dickerson-endorsed watches might also sell well).
Paul Goldschmidt — Who wouldn’t want a Paul Goldschmidt Mantlepiece Clearance Device? It’s suitable for making room for that MVP Award we all deserve.
The team as a whole — St. Louis Cardinals Pepper Grinders. Of course.