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Dear Abby: Man struggles after close friend's passing

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Dear Abby I’m a gay man. A friend of more than 20 years, “Marci,” passed away eight months ago after battling cancer for four years. Just a month after the funeral, her wife, “Julia,” started dating. She was engaged four months later and married “Leslie” seven months after that. When they started dating, Leslie was still legally married. My husband and I are godfathers to the one child Marci and Julia had.

I don’t trust Leslie. I think she took advantage of a person who was grieving.

I have pretty much removed myself from the situation. My husband still goes out with them and seems to have no issue with it. It has caused problems between us at times. He doesn’t understand my feelings, and I can’t understand how he can support them. Can you help me cope with this? — Still Mourning Marci

Dear Mourning • It might help your husband be more sympathetic to your feelings if you explain you’re still in deep mourning over the loss of a beloved friend, and it affects you physically when you see Julia and Leslie together. He is able to “support them” because, even though their relationship may seem premature, he recognizes they have continued on with their lives.

A way to cope with your pain would be to make a conscious effort to forgive them for their haste AND KEEP FOREMOST IN YOUR MIND THAT YOU PROMISED MARCI YOU WOULD BE A GODPARENT TO HER CHILD. The most effective way for that to happen would be to be present in her child’s life in a way that doesn’t always involve the parents.

Dear Abby • I have a co-worker — and great friend — who washes her hair maybe once a week and uses dry shampoo in between. (One day, I thought she had gray roots because the dry shampoo was so thick.) I know many people do this, but her hair is excessively oily, and it looks unsightly and unprofessional when she comes to work. It has reached the point that several co-workers (and even an ex-boyfriend of hers) have asked me why she doesn’t wash her hair more often because it looks so dirty.

I feel embarrassed for her, but I don’t know how to bring it up and suggest that maybe shampooing more often would be better. Do I say something to her? — Friend Who Cares in Missouri

Dear Friend • Good friends take care of each other and watch each other’s backs. If the situation were reversed, wouldn’t you want to hear it from someone you know cares about you?

Dear Abby is written by Abigail Van Buren, also known as Jeanne Phillips, and was founded by her mother, Pauline Phillips. Contact Dear Abby at or P.O. Box 69440, Los Angeles, CA 90069.


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