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Neman: The last time I saw Paris (Hilton)

Neman: The last time I saw Paris (Hilton)

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'Cooking With Paris'

Paris Hilton shops for groceries in "Cooking with Paris."

When you're a star, they let you do it. You can do anything.

Case in point: Paris Hilton, who is famous because she filmed herself having sex and the film was seen by half the people on the internet. I haven't seen it, because I have standards, but I do have a copy of the CD she recorded.

I paid 50 cents for it. A music-critic friend contends I overpaid by 49 cents.

Hilton's most recent corporate enabler is Netflix, which is now showing six episodes of a new cooking show, "Cooking With Paris."

Only one thing keeps this cooking show from being remotely watchable: her personality. OK, it's really two things: her personality and the fact that she absolutely, positively, cannot cook.

When you're a star, they let you do it. You can do anything.

I am not kidding when I say she cannot cook. I am not exaggerating.

She literally does not know what a blender looks like (she thinks it might be a stand mixer). She does not know what tongs are — and she calls them "a tong." She asks a grocer, "What do chives look like?" and "What do you do with them?"

A lot of people don't know what chives are, but they aren't socialite-turned-reality TV stars with their own cooking shows.

I forced myself to watch two episodes, which I'm pretty sure is one episode more than anyone else has seen. The third episode features St. Louis favorite Nikki Glaser as a guest star, but I just couldn't do it. I'm sorry, Nikki.

The show mostly features a lot of posing and self-conscious efforts to look seductive. Hilton also wears one ridiculously expensive outfit after another, which is probably supposed to be funny because she shops and cooks in them.

Inevitably, she spills food on her couture. In the second episode, I can't tell if the spill is deliberate or not. It kind of looks intentional.

In each episode, she cooks with a guest star. The first episode has fellow reality star Kim Kardashian in it. Kardashian is also famous because she filmed herself having sex and the film was seen by half the people on the internet. I haven't seen it, because I have self-respect.

Kardashian does not possess any more of a personality than Hilton does, and she seems equally fond of pointless posing. But she knows a little something about cooking, even if it is only a very little something.

Together, the two struggle and bumble and fumble their way through making breakfast: French toast dipped in cereal, some utterly appalling blue marshmallow thing with the top torched like a creme brulée and a whipped and baked frittata that actually looks pretty good.

In the second episode, of the two that I've seen, the guest star is rapper Saweetie, who is not entirely incapable in a kitchen, unless you count the burned salsa.

Saweetie and Hilton broil tomatoes and peppers to make salsa, and then forget about them. Someone off camera tells them to check the oven (smoke pours out of it) and then to turn on the vent fan (to suck up all the smoke).

I suppose the show is helpful to anyone who needs validation by feeling superior to someone who cooks on TV, even if that person is just Paris Hilton. 

And in a series of superimposed titles, the show's producers make frequent fun of Hilton's even more frequent mistakes, so at least someone is trying to be funny.

Hilton is an executive producer. But I'm not entirely certain she is in on the joke.

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Aisha Sultan writes: Like most teenagers, I was not a naturally early riser. But I didn’t mind waking up before sunrise because it was “time to make the doughnuts.” (Cue the Dunkin’ commercial for fellow Gen Xers.)

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