Dear St. Louis County Council,
I was on Facebook the other day reading about how Democratic presidential candidate Joe Biden, who is totally a socialist, by the way, was responsible for killing Seal Team 6, and also created COVID-19 in a Chinese lab, when I noticed that some of the groups I belong to were asking people to send you letters about how County Executive Sam Page is a total authoritarian fascist for not letting our kids play football and forcing us to wear masks during an international pandemic.
I can’t remember quite which group it was. It might have been Rockwood Parents Who Want Our Children In School Five Days A Week Even If It Kills Grandma, or maybe it was Republicans Who Still Think COVID-19 Is A Hoax, but one of them had a note from somebody who knows somebody who knows Councilman Tim Fitch, and they said that Fitch and Councilman Mark Harder wanted us to bombard the council’s Zoom meeting with letters about how the council should be able to stop Page from stopping us from living our lives however the hell we want to, pandemic be damned.
That sounded to me like a good idea. In fact, in another of my Facebook groups: Republican Men Who Are Totally Against Women Making Choices About Their Bodies But Won’t Wear A Mask Because Nobody Tells Me What To Do With My Body, had just been talking about that very thing. Who is Sam Page, or Lisa Clancy (I think she’s a socialist, too), to tell us what to do with our bodies? That’s totally fascism, which is wrong, unless, of course, it’s President Donald Trump exercising powers he doesn’t actually have to keep Muslims and Mexicans out of the country.
But I digress.
Anyway, please add my voice to the others demanding that Fitch and Harder, who are Republicans, after all, get their way and that the county executive and his public health director no longer have the power to do any of the things they want to keep us from infecting the people around us. I mean, sure, so there have been 56 deaths by veterans in rural Missouri veterans homes recently in areas of the state where unlike St. Louis County there are no fascist mask-mandates, but isn’t that what the veterans fought for, the freedom to die because the rest of us have the freedom to do stupid stuff?
Speaking of stupid stuff, I also heard that Page was asking the council to accept a grant from some Chicago outfit called the Center for Tech and Civic Life to help pay for election safety because of COVID-19. Sounds like a front organization run by that liberal socialist George Soros to … um, wait a minute … my wife just told me that she looked it up and the organization is funded by Mark Zuckerberg, the guy who lets us lie and promote conspiracy theories on Facebook. Apparently, a bunch of Republicans in St. Charles and Lincoln counties decided it was OK for them to take his money.
So, scratch that. I’m good with taking the election money. I must have been fooled by the vote against it by a Democrat, Rita Days. Probably some sneaky attempt by Page and Clancy to make conservatives turn against the idea.
Anyway, I expect you’re going to be getting a lot of letters just like mine. I heard that in past meetings the Democrats tried to shut off the time to hear from citizens. Can you imagine that happening in America? So I don’t care how many letters you get, 2,000 or more, you better read them all, or our Facebook groups are going to get very upset.
Speaking of which, I’m late for a weekly chat in my Facebook group Republicans Who Totally Want Josh Hawley To Run For President Because He’s Totally Not An Elitist Even Though He Went to Stanford And Yale. Oh, darn. My wife just whispered to me again. It turns out that Senator Hawley is mad at Facebook because they won’t share the latest conspiracy theory about Biden. Maybe I’ll just go spend some time on Twitter. Wait, Hawley’s mad at them, too?
Well, shoot. I guess I’ll just start another letter to the county council. By the time they’re done reading this batch, I’m sure Mr. Fitch or Mr. Harder will let me know what I’m supposed to be mad about next.
West County Republican Dude Who Spends A Bit Too Much Time on Facebook
Tony Messenger • 314-340-8518 @tonymess on Twitter email@example.com
From City Hall to the Capitol, metro columnist Tony Messenger shines light on what public officials are doing, tells stories of the disaffected, and brings voice to the issues that matter.