I am Q.
I’ve been posing as a mild-mannered newspaper columnist, but I’m really the high-level U.S. government official previously known only by my code letter. I’m the one who has been working with President Donald Trump to counter the Deep State coup that threatens all patriotic Americans. You — my QAnon followers — have wondered about my true identity. Well, there it is.
Or is it? We must always question our own realities. Satanic pedophiles, cannibals, Democrats and other dark forces against America lurk everywhere.
I first appeared on conservative internet sites a few years ago. I explained that I was a Deep State double agent, using my “Q”-level government security clearance to help Trump root out the enemies of America. I began dropping clues to you, my fellow Trump loyalists, to reveal the plots against our nation.
As you know, we call these clues “breadcrumbs.” You, the QAnon faithful, gather up these crumbs to piece together the whole story. So we call you the “bakers” — combining my clue-crumbs to bake a Loaf of Truth.
(Of course, that’s not actually how baking works: You start with the loaf first, and then you can get crumbs. You don’t combine crumbs to make a loaf.)
(Or do you?)
It was I who showed you how Trump pretended to collude with Russia in 2016, so special counsel Robert Mueller could pretend to investigate Trump, as cover for actually helping Trump expose Deep State corruption. This is among the real, actual, not-making-this-up founding theories of our QAnon movement. When Trump lashes out at Mueller, as he sometimes still does, he’s really just continuing to protect Mueller’s cover.
Or is he?
Without us, who would’ve exposed the child-sex-ritual-sacrifice ring that Hillary Clinton and others were running out of a Washington, D.C., pizza parlor? “Pizzagate” was publicized online by early elements of what would become QAnon, and thank goodness! It was some of you, my followers — who are by definition also Trump’s followers — who prompted a man named Edgar Maddison Welch to storm into the pizza parlor with an AR-15-style rifle in December 2016 and shoot the place up to free the children.
As it turns out, all that this loyal patriot found in the pizza parlor was … pizza. The mainstream media, being the corrupt Deep State tool that it is, acted like this wasn’t suspicious. But I ask you: If you were a child-sex-ritual-sacrifice ring, trying to pass yourself off as an innocent pizza parlor, what would you make sure to have lying around?
Pizza, that’s what. I rest my case.
Sure, the FBI has tagged QAnon as a potential domestic terrorist threat. But Trump is with us. We know this because (again, not making this up) Q is the 17th letter of the alphabet, and Trump has publicly mentioned the number 17. You really think that’s a coincidence?
That’s why Trump supporters display “Q” signs and T-shirts at Trump rallies. Trump himself has retweeted the postings of QAnon followers more than 100 times.
Isn’t it comforting to know that the leader of the free world has embraced a movement that believes John F. Kennedy Jr., faked his own death and is living in Pittsburgh under the name Vincent Fusca? Or that Hillary Clinton has been secretly executed by lethal injection for crimes against America? (Her emails!) Or that North Korean dictator Kim Jong Un is actually a CIA asset? Which explains why he’s always so cooperative with Washington.
We’ve had some celebrity members of our QAnon family: Alex Jones, the radio host and Trump promoter who once bravely exposed a U.S. government child-slave colony on Mars. And that model of mental stability, Roseanne Barr, who has fervently if vaguely tweet-credited Trump for freeing “so many children held in bondage.” (That should more than make up for the ones he caged at the southern border, right?)
And now, we will likely soon have an actual member of Congress.
Republican Marjorie Taylor Greene finished strongly in this month’s U.S. House primary in Georgia and is expected to ultimately win the seat. She will be Congress’ first out-and-out QAnon — a totally stable patriot who has posted stuff about how Trump will “take this global cabal of Satan-worshipping pedophiles out.”
Top House Republicans are so proud of this that they’re speechless. As in, they won’t comment on it.
But this is the reason I’ve come out of the shadows: to congratulate the Republican Party. Thanks to their mute fealty to Trump’s base, Congress will soon be a safe haven for those of us who know that Salvadoran gang members killed Democratic staffer Seth Rich at the direction of the party, that German Chancellor Angela Merkel is the granddaughter of Hitler, and that pretty much every mass shooting that ever happens is faked. Good job, GOP!
Disclaimer: Of course, I’m not really Q. That’s just a device to illustrate the insanity of this movement. It’s purely satirical.